The Big Finale or No One is Getting Married Just Yet (My Guess) at the End of this Amazing Journey
1. Andi decides not to pick either the poet or the former baseball player and to go on Bachelorette in Paradise and roll the dice again.
2. Andi picks Nick and he turns her down, telling her that he just got a call from NBC for his own sitcom.
3 She chooses Josh and Josh throws her a curve ball by letting her down easy.
4. Someone dies unexpectedly, like Nick's non-existent maternal grandmother and there is no resolution.
5. Andi realizes that she is in love with Juan Pablo and sprints off with him to go on a Hawaiian cruise.
6. Andi picks Josh, but Josh doesn't pick her.
My guess is that she picks Nick and he tells her to go fly a kite, but in a way that rhymes.
Hometown date #1 with Nick
Nick sucks up to the family by bringing very gender-specific gifts such as flowers for mom and a big bottle of booze for dad, whose name is Hy, short for?? Hythere? Hylo? Hyfive? Nick wears a pair of long underwear unbuttoned to his navel. He proclaims how much he loves their daughter and mom starts to cry because maybe she's gotten into the booze stash meant for Hybrow.
Hometown date #2 with Josh
Final date with Josh on some island somewhere
Why does he keep saying "Mw-ah" when he kisses her? Why does he wear a tank top with a tiny pocket on the front of it? Who is driving this cruise ship or is it self-piloted? These two both have excellent dentists. He's a spanker. He may have celery between his perfect teeth. He's a total goofball and I find it ridiculous that she can even fake it this much. Dan observes that they look like brother and sister. This creeps him out no end. Andi wonders if this whole thing is too good to be true, and I can't understand what's so good about it. For the evening, Josh changes into red sweat pants. I wonder if they have stylists who help them decide what to wear? And make sure that they match and stuff. I feel like he might be a loud breather.
Josh says he knows everything about her and he has no questions. To his credit, he does ask her if she has any questions for him. "There will be ups and downs and peaks and valleys, and my love for you is not just a puppy dog phase. That's not how I feel. Me personally." He has brought her a note that he wrote for her in boyish penmanship. He gives her a baseball card with her name on it and his last name engraved over hers, not realizing that she would never want to take his last name. Well, that's my assumption, but I might be very wrong. She seems to like it. Audible kissing. Is it so weird to kiss someone while they are filming you? It must be.
Ya'll, I may not be able to blog through the "after the final rose" ceremony. I need to put on my p.j.s at some point.
Final date with Nick in some other tropical place
They bring coconut milk and papayas to a remote part of the island with fake sand. Nick says that he told her mom that he's loved Andi in ways he's never loved anyone before (insert weird sexual position here). Why does Nick suddenly feel like he's a phony and why am I questioning if he has hair plugs?
Later, they get to go to Nick's fantasy suite and do a big hit from a bong. Stop acting so bashful and tongue-tied, Nick. Andi seems to be re-evaluating him and not in a good way. Nick may be about to screw it all up by talking so much about his previous relationships. Andi advises him to turn his brain off and just go with the flow, man. It can't be about to go too bad because piano music is playing softly in the background. Nick describes the most mundane life that they could share forever until someone has an affair. He gives her a necklace instead of a baseball card so that should tell her something.
Final Rose Ceremony
Blah, blah, blah as we are back in the studio, live, and the other cast members try to determine why Andi showed up at Nick's door. No one really wants to weigh in about what it all means, though clearly, it's not good news.
Back to the show. Nick is near panic and trying to suck air into his body like how a dying fish does when it's stranded on dry land.
Andi uses Nick's own words to break up with him, reminding him how he described that he didn't feel right the last time he got engaged. I think he might hit her. She says that the things she sees with him isn't ultimately what she thinks is best for the two of them. I cannot believe that she would be choosing the other guy who is a total airhead dude. Andi is worried that Nick is over-thinking it all and she feels that he thinks too much and that's not what she's looking for in a partner. She wants someone who won't think at all, and that's why she's picking Josh. And cuz he's more fun!!!
She's doing that thing again where she cries to get out of facing conflict. He wants to know if it's more about the two of them or more about the fact that she's in love with a dumb jock. I don't like her anymore. I will only like her if she also dumps Josh. She cannot end up with Josh, that is just ridiculous. The sweat factor alone should be a deal killer.
I hope he doesn't cry, please don't cry in the minivan in your checked Old MacDonald shirt. Dan says, Now at least he can go out to the bar and have sex with whoever he wants. Or maybe he will be the next bachelor? I don't know if he has the right charisma for this. Dan does not approve of the sappy music. Just so you know, he keeps up a running commentary throughout the show.
I do not think I can put myself through this ever, ever, ever again.