Monday, July 28, 2014

The Big Finale or No One is Getting Married Just Yet (My Guess) at the End of this Amazing Journey

We already know that there will be a shocking ending to the show which could mean a few things:

1. Andi decides not to pick either the poet or the former baseball player and to go on Bachelorette in Paradise and roll the dice again.
2. Andi picks Nick and he turns her down, telling her that he just got a call from NBC for his own sitcom.
3 She chooses Josh and Josh throws her a curve ball by letting her down easy.
4. Someone dies unexpectedly, like Nick's non-existent maternal grandmother and there is no resolution.
5. Andi realizes that she is in love with Juan Pablo and sprints off with him to go on a Hawaiian cruise.
6. Andi picks Josh, but Josh doesn't pick her.

My guess is that she picks Nick and he tells her to go fly a kite, but in a way that rhymes.

Hometown date #1 with Nick 

Nick sucks up to the family by bringing very gender-specific gifts such as flowers for mom and a big bottle of booze for dad, whose name is Hy, short for?? Hythere? Hylo? Hyfive? Nick wears a pair of long underwear unbuttoned to his navel. He proclaims how much he loves their daughter and mom starts to cry because maybe she's gotten into the booze stash meant for Hybrow.
This is the other part of the show I despise. The guy asking the dad if he can wed his daughter and the father negotiating the number of asses he will bring to the wedding. Dad hesitates about giving his permission for Nick to carry Andi off into the marriage hut and rape her on their honeymoon, but hell, yes, why not?

Hometown date #2 with Josh
Josh shows up in a nicer dress shirt, also unbuttoned a little too far. His gender specific gifts are flowers and cigars. Dad observes that Josh is sweating like a pig. Andi's mom finds him to be boisterous and obnoxious. Sister Alli with her Hercules tattoo on her shoulder wants to know if he's as much of a player as he seems. The sisters seem to be the exact same age, but they don't look  all that much alike. Josh talks a little too fast and is appearing a bit like a used car salesman. He may be coked up. He literally without a doubt knows that he wants to probably spend the rest of his life with Andi. Hy and Josh are wearing the exact same outfit----blue shirts and white shorts. It's a battle of the chest hair. I missed the scene due to spending too much time Googling "handsome car salesman" (see photo to the left).

Final date with Josh on some island somewhere

Why does he keep saying "Mw-ah" when he kisses her? Why does he wear a tank top with a tiny pocket on the front of it? Who is driving this cruise ship or is it self-piloted? These two both have excellent dentists. He's a spanker. He may have celery between his perfect teeth. He's a total goofball and I find it ridiculous that she can even fake it this much. Dan observes that they look like brother and sister. This creeps him out no end. Andi wonders if this whole thing is too good to be true, and I can't understand what's so good about it. For the evening, Josh changes into red sweat pants. I wonder if they have stylists who help them decide what to wear? And make sure that they match and stuff. I feel like he might be a loud breather.

Josh says he knows everything about her and he has no questions. To his credit, he does ask her if she has any questions for him. "There will be ups and downs and peaks and valleys, and my love for you is not just a puppy dog phase. That's not how I feel. Me personally." He has brought her a note that he wrote for her in boyish penmanship. He gives her a baseball card with her name on it and his last name engraved over hers, not realizing that she would never want to take his  last name. Well, that's my assumption, but I might be very wrong. She seems to like it. Audible kissing. Is it so weird to kiss someone while they are filming you? It must be.

Ya'll, I may not be able to blog through the "after the final rose" ceremony. I need to put on my p.j.s at some point.

Final date with Nick in some other tropical place 


They are going off-roading and Nick will be driving with the camera planted on the dashboard mirror to capture their jiggling and mudding. "Andi makes me feel alive." I have never said that in my life, about anything. I don't know what that means--like, normally, he's dead inside? A black hole of despair?

They bring coconut milk and papayas to a remote part of the island with fake sand.  Nick says that he told her mom that he's loved Andi in ways he's never loved anyone before (insert weird sexual position here). Why does Nick suddenly feel like he's a phony and why am I questioning if he has hair plugs?

Later, they get to go to Nick's fantasy suite and do a big hit from a bong. Stop acting so bashful and tongue-tied, Nick. Andi seems to be re-evaluating him and not in a good way.  Nick may be about to screw it all up by talking so much about his previous relationships. Andi advises him to turn his brain off and just go with the flow, man. It can't be about to go too bad because piano music is playing softly in the background. Nick describes the most mundane life that they could share forever until someone has an affair. He gives her a necklace instead of a baseball card so that should tell her something.

Final Rose Ceremony


We all gasp as Andi shows up at Nick's bungalow ahead of the final marriage proposal. My guess is that she's going to go ahead and send him home prematurely and probably Josh too, so that they can avoid being embarrassed at the final rose ceremony. It really can't be anything else.

Blah, blah, blah as we are back in the studio, live, and the other cast members try to determine why Andi showed up at Nick's door. No one really wants to weigh in about what it all means, though clearly, it's not good news.

Back to the show. Nick is near panic and trying to suck air into his body like how a dying fish does when it's stranded on dry land.

Andi uses Nick's own words to break up with him, reminding him how he described that he didn't feel right the last time he got engaged. I think he might hit her. She says that the things she sees with him isn't ultimately what she thinks is best for the two of them. I cannot believe that she would be choosing the other guy who is a total airhead dude. Andi is worried that Nick is over-thinking it all and she feels that he thinks too much and that's not what she's looking for in a partner. She wants someone who won't think at all, and that's why she's picking Josh. And cuz he's more fun!!!

She's doing that thing again where she cries to get out of facing conflict. He wants to know if it's more about the two of them or more about the fact that she's in love with a dumb jock. I don't like her anymore. I will only like her if she also dumps Josh. She cannot end up with Josh, that is just ridiculous. The sweat factor alone should be a deal killer.

I hope he doesn't cry, please don't cry in the minivan in your checked Old MacDonald shirt. Dan says, Now at least he can go out to the bar and have sex with whoever he wants. Or maybe he will be the next bachelor? I don't know if he has the right charisma for this. Dan does not approve of the sappy music. Just so you know, he keeps up a running commentary throughout the show.

Josh shows up and gives Chris a chest bump. He wears a dapper handkerchief in his suit. Well, of course she will say yes, because there is no one left. I guess they are perfect for each other if she is as shallow as she now appears. She is wearing the final in a series of togas, the most specialist toga in the world, one with silver beads around the neck. "When I saw you in front of that mansion, you took my breath away." Ramble, ramble, "Andi, you are the answer to all of my prayers, you are a woman that I never thought existed in this world. That smile makes me feel like I can do anything in the world." 17 cliches in a row, this must be a world record. Who wrote this shit? It is shit. Is this script written by V.C. Andrew? Can she really marry her own brother?  Does he have a wad of chaw in his mouth right at this moment? She now rambles on with fewer cliches but no actual substance either. Andi says that she is madly in love with him and she wants to have his babies so bad. Dan says that they should be the King and Queen of the White United States. Loud kisses. This is the old bait and switch, people. They have a battle of I love you's and his face gets redder and redder. I think she picked him because he's the closest in physical proximity to her life in wherever she is from. Macon?

I do not think I can put myself through this ever, ever, ever again.

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