But Call Me Betsy

I must apologize because I don't really know how to use the scanner on Dan's computer and so these old photos are really photos of photos; hence the crappy quality.  I guess they were all taken some time close to when I graduated from Florida State; so, like 1992? 1993? Decades ago now. Anyway, after graduation, I moved back to Clearwater and lived with my older boyfriend in an apartment complex off of a major highway. I also worked as a hostess at TGIFriday's and was a member of a children's theater group through Ruth Eckerd Hall, the performing arts center in the area. I didn't have any illusions that this would lead to fame. After just one or two shows in an elementary school cafeteria (smelled like spoiled milk) or gymnasium (smelled like sweaty feet), it was clear that I wasn't on the path to being discovered by like a visiting movie producer who would whisk me away to become Hollywood's darling.  But it was still fun, for the most part, and the kids w...

We try to finish jigsaw puzzles even when they are 1,500 pieces that all look exactly the same. We play cards, like War and Crazy Eights. We feed the frog Bob, on Wednesdays and Sundays and we worry each time we open the aquarium top, that he will be dead. He never is. He has never been dead for the last three years. Shirley the frog did not survive. We lock the doors and leave the light on for each other and get only slightly irritated when one person forgets to shut the door all the way. We make the bed together in the mornings with the bed cover and pillows from West Elm--our whole bedroom is from the catalog because we also don't do comparison shopping or go to Raymour and Flannigan. We whistle while we're playing Minecraft and then when we're asked to stop, we apologize and we do stop for about ten seconds and then we forget and start again. We are ten. We are also in our forties. We don't clean as much as we should, though we love the Dirt Devil bought by one of...

It's become a bit of a habit for us to watch Dr. Phil , especially on the nights when we don't have Luke, and sometimes when we do have Luke and he's absorbed in Minecraft on the computer. When he's playing Minecraft, we could be watching The Exorcist Does Dallas and he wouldn't notice or care. I have liked Dr. Phil since he had four minutes on Oprah Winfrey's show twenty-five years ago. First, I admire his commitment to his moustache. That thing has stayed with him for more than two decades. Second, I like that he tries to get people to face up to their own culpability rather than being victims. Third, his show pretends to be a little more thoughtful than Jerry Springer, but it's really not. Fourth, he always offers the guests help, even when they clearly have no interest in taking it, and he always says things like, You're not a bad guy, you just have anger management problems. Dr. Phil as a much younger man, before the moustache addiction. La...

Juan Pablo reminds us that he's a dad. He loves his daughter and she is bilingual. Chris reminds the girls that they've come a long way (two weeks) and they still have a long way to go (four more weeks). He lets them know they're going to the home of Daniel Boone or somewhere. Oh, Seoul, South Korea. Half of them think that's in West LA. Omigod, they only have one hour to pack! How is that hard? Do they have to do it blindfolded? JP has again the exact same amount of facial scruff as the week before. He's in Seoul South Korea to find his wife. He starts talking to a woman on the street corner and gives her a rose. If only. Seoul looks a lot like Times Square. The girls never stop screaming and jumping up and down. One of blonds wants to get to know him better since he's so attractive. She said that. She's upset that she's on a group date with five other annoying girls.  Group date--what sport will they be playing today to show off his muscul...

I noticed the other day that a lot of my repeating internal thoughts have to do with "what-ifs" and they're never happy scenarios. Like, I don't think, What if I get a phone call today from someone wanting to offer me $500,000 to write a book? Or, What if I they discover a new kind of frosting that tastes just like regular frosting but eating it on a graham cracker actually helps you lose weight?! No, all if my what-ifs center around disaster. Yesterday, for example, I was standing outside on the patio in the snow and it occurred to me that an icicle could melt and stab me in the face. To be more specific, I was looking up a the dripping icicles on twenty feet above me on the eaves and I thought, What if one pelts down right now and gets me in the eye? I didn't play that out because I got distracted, but if I'd had more time, I'm certain I would've contemplated what kind of life I might have with an eye patch. Would I still be considered pretty? Coul...

Have you ever seen this? It's a real time cop/detective/cultural  show where they try to solve a case in 48 hours, and often, they succeed, though never really in 2 days. It's compelling to watch the detectives try to figure out some random act of violence (usually a murder) and go to the door of a house and question the mom, and then find the kid playing basketball in the park, and throw him on the ground, all while being video-taped. My favorite part is the interviews with the suspect--but it's also the most disturbing scene because it's where the people who don't know any better should ask for a lawyer and NOT TALK until the lawyer arrives. Instead, they often confess, but in this way that absolves them of doing anything more than defending themselves. It's always a case of self-defense, even when the person they've killed is an 85 year old blind grandma in a wheelchair. "She was going for something in her handbag and I thought I saw a gun and so...

I forgot to write in my blog yesterday and I have totally been meaning to finally jump on the TBT (throwback Thursday meme  on Facebook. However, I don't have any of my photos handy anyway, so I can't show you how amazing I was in the 90s or how very very awkward my prepubescence years were--I had huge plastic glasses and a really bad bob haircut (think Little Lord Fauntleroy). I was also in the throes of making a political statement about hair spray and the ozone layer, so I had this super elaborate feathered cut that I could never keep in a style. Oh, and perms. I had a few terrible home perms. And then I used to do this thing when my hair was longer where I would braid it when it was wet and sleep with it like that so that in the morning, my hair would be wavy, like  a mermaid. Except it never quite worked out that way b/c I also got cuts like two times a year and so the ends were always dead and straw-like. So, I'd have this shimmery long waves ending in like singed hai...

Dan forced me to watch Captain Phillips on demand last night. That's one of the 500 movies Tom Hanks has starred in. By forced, I mean that he choose to watch it while I was present. I could've gone to read a book, but I decided to give it fifteen grudging minutes. In case you don't know, the story is about a present day sea captain taking boxes of supplies to Africa. Along the way, they have to go through the horn of Africa in a deserted area, and under the possible threat of Somalian pirates. And they get hijacked. I was resistant at first as I am to any movie that has a cast of 100 men and one female character.  It's not that I'm not interested in the story or don't think you can't tell a good story about a bunch of men doing manly things like sailing and saving lives, but it is ever thus. The majority of major motion pictures I watched growing up (and now) feature a white male protagonist (the hero) who must prove his masculinity (by doing things li...

That's the alternative title to Lionel Shriver's book, Big Brother --a book I mentioned reading in a previous post. I stuck it out to the end. The big finish, as it were. To recap, the book is about a woman who decides to try to help her very overweight brother lose the pounds. First, she let's him stay in her house for a couple of months after he's tossed out by his friend. At the end of the two months, he has told her that he has a gig in New York (he's a jazz musician) and so the visit seems finite. Close to the time he's supposed to leave, she discovers that he lied about the opportunity in Manhattan and actually has nowhere to go and will likely end up sleeping on a friend's house, jobless, homeless, and hopeless. From there, the next 100 plus pages are about the sister deciding to move in with him and go on a crash, all liquid diet. He's resistant at first, but then agrees, and together, after a year of struggle and one relapse, the pounds come...

Dan told me today that Juan Pablo is in trouble for making a homophobic remark. I hope it was just a joke, or a mistranslation or him thinking he was actually saying that straight people are perverts, which I find more often to be the case. In case I haven't said this before, two hours is too long for this show. At least half an hour is previews and replays, the other twenty minutes is scenic shots of whatever la-la land they're in. And now, it's looking like they are pretending to have the women bond--for example, the girl who looks like Jennifer Aniston if she had a broader face and this blond girl whose mother's dying wish be that she make it to the fourth episode of The Bachelor before being dismissed are pretending to care about each other. Is everyone on this show a hard core Christian? And by hard core Christian, I mean they wear crucifixes and talk about angels and God leading them and then always accept the fantasy suite card. Every shirt JP wears is ski...

Dan is such a good sport and pretends to be thrilled that Downton Abbey is on tonight. He also will watch an entire episode of Hoarders without complaining. Hardly. I mean, not much. I can't say that the same thing happens when he's watching soccer. I apologize in advance as I try to blog while this is one that I may not recall people's names. Our story opens with a figure on the green lawn approaching the quite beautiful mansion. Anna has circles under her eyes and is avoiding her husband. She's acting weird at the downstairs table. Omigod, the rapist is at the breakfast. Why? The married man who's trying to get into Lad Edith's britches has found favor with Lord Grantham. This show reminds me that I need to use cloth napkins more. Unfortunately, the rapist has an uncanny likeness to the Irish chauffeur. Lady Mary is flirting with that bland guy (Chisholm?). He cannot possibly be her love interest. I have money on the idea that Lady Mary could fall f...

In TV time, it's probably too late to speculate about the latest episode of Downton Abbey, but I'm sort of running low on ideas as it's 8:23 p.m. on a Friday night and I am tired and ready to just veg out. And yet, I continue to want to try to do a blog post a day, and so here we are. Do you know the scene I'm talking about? The one where Anna gets raped by the visiting butler/footman--and then tells the other maid not to mention it to anyone because she's worried that her husband will kill the guy?  It reads a bit like a preview for an episode of Dr. Phil . I can see Dr. Phil's mustache quivering in barely concealed rage as he asks the Mrs. Hughes why she didn't go to authorities and then swivels in his chair to ask Mr. Bates if he feels like it's right for Anna to be married to man who she's essentially afraid of? He would offer Bates a free month-long stay at an anger management camp run by his son, who also has a book that he needs to plug. B...

I'm halfway through a book by Lionel Shriver (a woman writer) called Big Brother. The gist of the story is about a woman who tells her brother he can come stay with her family. She hasn't actually seen him in a few years, and when she goes to pick him up at the airport, she's flabbergasted to realize that he has gained hundreds of pounds. He's hugely obese, almost unrecognizable. She brings him home, and conflict ensues as her type-A husband (a disciplined man who bikes for hours a day and only eats very healthy food) is beyond disgusted by the slovenliness of the brother--who does of course eat a lot, all of the bad food that the husband won't touch. While the story is about the huge size of the brother, and how it's hard not to see fatness as the embodiment of all that's bad (laziness, self-indulgence, lack of control), there's an interesting sub plot that circulates. For a living, the sister been very successful in producing these special dolls that...

I asked Luke what I should write about today and he said something about the New England Patriots, but I really stopped listening the second he said the word "sports" and so I'm not sure what his point was. I could mention that Dan just had an at-home phone interview for a job. I really hope he gets it. Please, please, for the love of God, let him get it. He was good on the phone. I tried not to eavesdrop, but it was difficult, especially since I was perched on his shoulder. I could tell they were having a casual conversation (which is good--he was relaxed; it all sounded natural and friendly), and that she was asking some of the standard questions for graphic designers like about his process, how he works with others and what he does when people want twenty changes to a logo. In this new-ish job (how long do I get to say that before it becomes an excuse?), I do a lot more interviewing for stories. These Q&A skills are rusty, though it's coming back to me. O...

That's the name of the governor's house in New Jersey, currently the home of Chris Christie. Similar to my distrust of people who have two first names instead of a first and last name--see "Juan Pablo"--I'm a little unsure about people whose last name seems to be an extension of their first name. Rob Robertson, Lee Leighly, Sam Sammerton, Kris Kristoferson, and Chris Christie. I won't weigh in on the whole BridgeWaterGate scandal because (1). I don't know enough about it to offer an informed opinion; (2). I'm a little biased because I still like that Christie hugged Obama after Hurricane Sandy even though I'm certain it was a calculated show of warmth because of his desire to run for president in 2016; and (3). I live in New Jersey now and I don't want him to come after me. But I do find it interesting that when I go into work in the mornings if I drive down Route 206 (which I have been doing most mornings after deciding that my peace of mi...

All I want to say right now is that if someone took me on a five-K run for my first date, I would kill him. This girl, the dental hygientist/dancer/teacher/actor is a good sport for wearing the Day-glo and pretending not to be totally disappointed that she has to keep twerking. Hands down, the other date was way better, though I would also hate a guy who forced me to go ice skating, as I tend to skate with my ankles turned in. I get it already, he's an athlete, so every single date is going to focus on some athletic event and there is no way we'll get through the season without seeing him on the soccer field. Also,  he will be making the women to jump over hurdles, sky-dive into a waterfall, climb the South American Great Wall of China, charm snakes. Note: first time I've seen the Bachelor give a piggy back ride. Dan and I were going to act that out, but I would totally crush him. Group date on the same set as Storage Wars. Of course the black girl is on this date. Lo...

I think I like Cameron Crowe's movies, generally, though the only one I can remember off the top of my head is Singles . I'll Google it in a second, hold on. But then again, I saw Singles in my twenties when the movie was total de ja vu for the dating scene, only with better clothing and hair (i.e. no one has better hair than Kyra Sedgwick's in any decade). I also get that movie confused with Reality Bites , and so can't really tell you for sure if Ethan Hawke was in that movie or Singles or both. Okay, I just checked IMDB and Crowe also did Almost Famous and Say Anything ("In Your Eyes," big boom box, John Cusack perpetually wearing a long raincoat, I've met guys who can quote all of Cusack's monologues in one breath). Last night, we rented We Bought a Zoo because when we have Luke, we watch kid friendly movies. This one was rated PG but they did use the s-word about three times and hell and damn. I know, because every time there was swearing, Luke g...

I started reading Life After Life by Kate but got sidetracked and didn't finish it before it was due. The premise of the book is about this girl who keeps dying over and over again, trying to get her life correct. At least, that's what I gathered from the fifty pages I read, where she died being born, and then lived barely, and then grew to be like four years old and then drowned in the ocean, and then came back to life again. Truthfully, the premise gave me some anxiety in reading, because I kept waiting for her next death. It made me think about near misses that I've had in my life--not many, maybe just one. But what about all of the brushes with Grim Reaper you don't even realize are happening, such as every time I drive to and from work and some jerk contemplates taking me out with his SUV. The one I know about is the time I was driving home late after a show I was in (it was actually one of those mystery dinner things where you mingle with the guests but are al...

Thursday at work, I got an email from Dan and it was a video that he and Luke made, using pictures of Ernesto on Dan's computer. I think Luke is concerned that I miss my cats, and so he wanted to do a little montage video to make me miss them less. Here it is.

Are much the same as Tuesdays and Mondays. I'm getting used to the drive, at least a little bit. I don't freak out on Route 1 and have become a little bit jerkier in my driving like everyone else on the road which I take as a sign of growing confidence and assimilation. I wish though that there was some kind of paint ball you could shoot at the cars who do that thing where instead of waiting a turn to get on the road, they speed up in the lane that's ending to the very front and cut in. That is what my world has shrunken to--thinking of ways to exact revenge on the people around me. One thing I like about New Jersey is that you never ever have to get out of your car to pump gas. I always feel like apologizing to the attendants or tipping them, especially on cold days when their fingers must be freezing. But I don't say sorry or tip, I just leave my window down the whole time in a show of solidarity, and to prove I'm not totally spoiled. Here are the other good...