The Bachelor is Back!

I missed the first few minutes--Dan has filled me in. Apparently, Brad has commitment issues because his dad abandoned him once...for eight weeks. Hmm...Does that count? Try not meeting your dad until you're 23. We're also getting to meet all of the freakish women desperate for husbands. Emily is the cutest so far. One girl is a vampire and she even has the sharp teeth. For real. A few are divorced and exploiting their children on TV. A few other have dead people in their lives--dads, husbands, cats. One girl works at a mauseleum and hopes she can bury Brad in it. She actually said that. Uh-oh. Emily might be a Christian. She believes her husband died in a plane crash so that she can meet the bachelor.

A few things about Brad. He likes to work out. He likes to walk around with his shirt off. The two things may be related. He also has a giant tattoo on his back--I think it's the letter "P?" Not sure. He has a slightly Southern accent, even though he's from Baltimore. He is also a sweater. And he only shaves his face like once every three days. He likes to have that permanent five o'clock shadow that drives the ladies wild.

Oh, dear, they have brought back the two reject women. Deanna and that other one. He needs a kerchief for his sweat. He tells them that they both look beautiful. Equally beautiful. Exactly the same level of beautiful each. He keeps calling them "you guys." The one girl thinks he can do it. Deanna still thinks he's an ass.

And now, here come the thirty forgettable girls, already drinking champagne. We've seen the slap 40 times. Chantall does it. Brad loves that she hit him the face. I think he's crying. Kimberly can barely walk in these heels. Brad just said, Big butt. She should've had her roots done right before the show. He will see all of them inside. Ali gives him a slope shouldered hug, oh, wait, two hugs. "I'll see you inside" times 1,000. Ashley should've had someone do her hair as well--it's in this kind of terribly messy side ponytail. She's from North Carolina and I think she just grabbed his butt. Meghan looks kind of like a man. She's wearing horrible, giant red shoes. They keep hugging and hugging and hugging and wearing bad clothes. Marissa. Almost ethnic. She's selling herself. "Are you comfortable being with someone whose whole life revolves around sports?" Great. Another Ashley. She's a hugger. UGH. This is awful. If you have all this time to prepare a first line, how come they can't come up with something at least a little bit interesting? Madison, the vampire with the teehth. Come on! He says he likes her mysterious demeanor. Do you mean you like her vampire teeth. What's her face, Melissa, leaps into his arms. All of this is awkard. She definitely has an eating disorder. Renee is from Chicago and talks like a little girl. Cristy doesn't know how to spell her name. She is ALL teeth. Jackie runs into his arms. They all have big, perfect teeth or vampire teeth. She asks him to pinkie swear that he won't break her heart. Another stupid first line. Sarah asks him to go down on his knees. She forces him to propose. Nice rack, though.

Next limo of bimbos. This show makes me not a feminist. Lauren is pretty. She seems calm. Lisa P. is totally drunk. and can't stop pulling at her dress. Shawntel has a made up name. She's wearing an empire waist dress. She's kind of adorable and is joking about falling down. OH, GOD, someone is gesturing from inside of the car. She's way too tall. Britnee. Do none of these girls know how to spell? Stacey, the bartender from Boston. She doesn't know who he is. He likes that. Jill looks so sweet and happy and she says that she's ready to get married. Desperation oozing from her pores. Another pair of terrible red shoes. She's from Tampa and she wears ruby red slippers because there's no place like home. Huh? She kisses him on the lips because her grandmother told her about kissing frogs. J is just one letter. It's her birthday. Oh, no, again another girl who kicks her legs in the air because she's a Rockette. She asks him how his high kicks are. Is that an euphemism for something. She dances off the stage. Sarah wants to tell him a random fact about herself. She can't snap her fingers!!!!! Good one. Emily is adorable too, but she looks kind of fake. Too much blond hair and perfect teeth. She's very excited that it's him. Britt has hair like a mermaid. She is also wearing terrible red shoes. Michelle may have a sense of humor. I can't tell. How many more are there, for the love of God. Oh, okay, we're done. Brad tells Chris that he feels very undeserving, but he truly believes that one of those guys inside might turn out to be his future ex-wife.
I don't know if I can continue to do this, you guys. Can't make a video because Dan isn't here and I don't think I'm up for doing one on my own. It's just not the same. Plus, I simply don't have enough hair to imitate even one of these women. All of them are white, skinny, and have long, jangled locks.

Now comes the girls talking shit and falling in love immediately. He does have to give out the first impression rose. Inside. When he sees them. When he sees them inside. Brad hopes they give him a chance to prove that he's a new man. Who will get the most drunk, I wonder? Someone has to jump in the pool. Brad confesses how much of an asshole he knows he has been, and how much he has changed in three long years and he is for sure here for the right reasons. He gives them the chance to leave, if anyone wants to go. Of course they don't. They want to be on TV for as long as possible. I don't find him particularly attractive. He's too thin and scared looking. The women are all interrogating him. He's had three years of very intensive therapy and very intensive soul searching and feeling like a total jerk, like the total piece of crap he knows he is and my God, he just hates himself so much and knows he's not worthy of anything, not even oxygen. He is here to find a wife. They all have a right to doubt and everything, but he is overwhelmed and terrified and will hopefully start crying.

He finds Ashley S. to be both sweet and nice, because she tells him that she's there for him if he ever needs a friend or a safe haven. The manscaper has brought her kit with him so she can wax his five o'clock shadow. She snaps on a latex and puts the hot wax on him and then rips off his wrist hair. That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Brad says he doesn't want his package waxed ever. Jackie finds him to be sexy and she wants to sing for him. She's la-la-laing and singing, I came her today, all the way from LA to meet you. La-la-la! Please let this be over soon. Another girl asks if he can handle a girl with her size of behind. I hope she feels stupid. Another girl comes and steals him away five seconds later. they all feel stupid. They're all fighting over him and stealing him away again and again. Please don't steal him away again.

They are so scared about the first impression rose. Emily realizes she needs to come out of her shell. Please don't tell him about the dead husband. She's a coal miner's daughter and possibly again a Christian. He sees her as a Southern bell and this makes him sure that she's here for the right reasons. He asks Madison why it is that she has fangs. He asks her if she thinks this is a game or not. Does she really want to be there or not. Michelle wants to know what her deal is. She says that she's a woman, not a little girl. She tells him that he's been through a lot and she has a kid. He takes this well. He says he wants nothing more than a bunch of kids who aren't his. Okay, they have to move this along, because the final rose ceremony is coming up and there are only 24 minutes left. He is giving the rose to a genuinely sweet girl. It's one of the Ashley's--the one with the side ponytail. He likes that she said that no matter what, you would be here to be his friend. She is cute. And she will totally be his friend and give him oral sex, if that's what he wants. Does he know that she's a nanny? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Okay, finally, the rose ceremony and then we'll have to watch 10 minutes of previews from the upcoming episodes.

First rose: Michelle who is a real woman with a kid.
Second rose: Kimberly who should've had her roots done. She will absolutely accept it.
Third rose:Madison with the fangs. Seriously? She goes to bite his neck. She is a freak. They made him pick her.
Fourth rose: Emily who looks like one of the chicks from the Hefner mansion.
Fifth rose: Rachel. Can't remember anything about her at all.
6th rose: Kelti. Is that really her name. She's the Rockette and can't stop saying yeah and hopping around.
7th rose: Ashley H. Huh?
8th rose: Megan who kind of looks like a man.
9th rose: Lisa M. She is so excited too.
10th rose: The dramatic music is always in the background. Lyndsey. Also unmemorable.
11th rose: Alec. Dimples.
12th rose: Sarah P. That's me, she says.
13th rose:Some of the girls look sick. Like they will vomit if they don't get picked. Marissa of indeterminate ethnicity. She will also absolutely accept the rose.
14th rose: Mermaid hair.
15th rose: Stacey. She's kind of calm-ish.
16th rose: Chantall M. Is there more than one Chantall. I like her. She reminds me of Natalie Portman.
17th rose: Jackie who kept getting stolen away from stealing him away.
18th rose: Melissa. Who is she?
Last rose goes to...Chantal O. who slapped him.

The other girls are going to cry. Oh, well.

The girl who kissed him says she will have to kiss more frogs. They are wishing him luck. The one girl I liked in the gold dress is going home. That's too bad. She says it's his loss. Good for her. Britnee doesn't know why he didn't pick her. He doesn't even know how she mis-spells her name. This blond thinks that he didn't take her seriously enough. I bet she told herself she wasn't going to cry.

Coming up...More nonsense, more beach time, more shirts taken off. More driving in hot cars. More jump roping in a foreign country. More heartbreak. They are careful not to actually show any of the girls faces so we can't guess who goes and who stays. They are going to Africa and going to show tramp stamps. One of them gets a black eye. Yeah!

Comments

Arwen's Mommy said…
Hilarious!
Jazzie Casas said…
I'm a single dad of 2 age 2 and 5. I find your site so interesting and helpful. I hope I have much time each day to drop by and check your site for recent post. By the way thank you for sharing this.
julie said…
See? I told you if you'd write a good blog entry I'd reconsider. I'm hooked. I'll totally watch next week.

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