Altered States

Don't be mad, Mom, but I had seizures all day yesterday, perhaps b/c I haven't taken my Lamictal in like twenty months. A day of seizures only happens every once in awhile and the problem is that the seizures are interesting, so it's hard to be really proactive in finding ways to make them stop. Imagine that you could have this very intense de ja vu every hour or so; so intense that it feels like you might possibly be able to grasp the truth of existence in the thirty seconds or so where you're having a seizure. That's what it's like--it's like I'm on the verge of knowing the Truth about, I don't know, the meaning of life, or the reasons for child abuse or the possibility of believing in God. It's an altered state and one that feels so familiar now (since I've been having seizures for about ten years) that it's hard to give up. The downfall is that it impares my memory and makes me feel really tired and there's also a frustrating aspect to it---when they start to fade (they get less frequent and intense after about 12 hours), I experience a lessened sensation or else I think it's going to happen and it doesn't, so I pause and it's like thinking you're going to sneeze but then not sneezing.
Perhaps it is time to consider a full frontal lobotomy.


Ben said…
sounds like chasing the white tiger