The Bachelor or How Can I Get the Most Air Time?

Here are some ways that the contestants on The Bachelor are able to be on the camera for more than half a second:

*Get really wasted on weak lime margarita’s and slur uninteresting obscenities into the Bachelor’s ear. Drawback: You will be kicked off in the same episode.

*Throw yourself on the ground and hope to sprang your ankle. Someone did this in episode two. All the other girls were like, That bitch is faking it! She was bragging earlier about how strong her ankles are!

*Ask the Bachelor to go with you into the hot tub and then tell him you’re a virgin. Same result as the first one, but you’ll at least be on TV long enough for your old high school boyfriend to see you and wonder how it is you are still pretending to be virgin.

*Tell the other girls that you are a real bitch and will stop at nothing.

*Sob about something stupid. Cry because you don’t have time to get ready because you were the one who fake-broke your ankle (this is a girl whose name is supposedly “Bevin.” What is that short for?) You should also cry on a group date and then make out with the guy with snot running down your face. BEVIN!

*Talk shit on the other girls behind their backs to the Bachelor. He’s not listening anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

*Fart. Why oh why won’t someone pass gas? That would be the best! I bet ABC would bleep it.

*Hold hands with another girl so that you’ll get a shot at being seen as a wild party lesbo girl.

*Pout during the craps game so that he’ll wonder if you’re upset with him about his hair.

I think he is quite drunk. He keeps throwing his arm awkwardly around each person who he sees. He just kissed this girl to keep her from talking. I also wish he would call one of the girls by the wrong name. They all have this very similar sleek, longhaired look and they are like five Stephanie’s. All of them are wearing earrings that are larger than their entire heads.

I wish they would do a Bachelor season where the guy is just this complete dick and the girls keep saying how they feel a connection with him as he hocks a logy onto the side-walk and yells, Hey, I can see one of your teats!

Oh, look, he’s carrying Bevin into the suite. He is definitely drunk. He just told her that he did really well on his seventh grade science project and that he wants to be in astronaut. Bevin is crawling on top of him. Most embarrassing of all, she said, I think it’s hella! I don’t know what that means, but it was horrible.

He just slurred, “You’re my sanctuary.” He does not know what the hell he’s saying. “I love cheese and bananas and your hair is like a golden nugget in the bottom of an elf’s shoe.” Falls asleep briefly. Jolts awake when glass of champagne sloshes liquid onto his hand. Rubs his mouth on the girl’s face. Whispers, “I may have rubella, but I’ll cure it by rubbing your patella with my novella. Holla!”

Now he is pushing the women down the hill, forcing them to ski. And now he’s skiing doggy style with someone and knocking people over. All the gals are talking shit on everyone while he stares off into space, not caring or listening. This woman is the cutest one. She is of indeterminate racial descent---might be Asian or an Eskimo or just a direct descendant of Winnie from The Wonder Years.

His mouth barely moves when he talks. He may actually be being controlled by a ventriloquist.

Everyone has a Southern accent even though none of them are from the South.

Tina from Los Angeles is utterly the most adorablest one next to Winne, but she doesn’t have a chance in the world. She’s too nice and cute and honest. You know it’s a kiss of death when the Bachelor stares into the camera with no affect and mumbles, I really had a fun time with Tina. She didn’t cry or anything…I’d like to introduce her to my brother.

The word “connection” has been used no fewer than 500 times.

The date with Amber:

Everyone hates Amber because, even aside from the fact that her name is Amber and everyone inherently despises anyone with the name Amber, this particular Amber won’t shut up about what she’s going to wear on her one-on-one date with Randy. Should I wear black pants and boots and a hat and gloves or just shoes and a scarf with a skirt and heels with fuzzy mittens? The girls sit around with hateful smiles on their tight shiny faces. The Bachelor comes in to pick up Amber wearing an Old Navy zipper up that looks like he’s had it since he was in the tenth grade. They sit cross legged on some cushions in front of a huge fire at this Inn and dip bread into a huge vat of yellow cheese. Randy asks Amber if she lied about kissing or not kissing and if she has a connection and if she has a feeling about him and if she’ll hold his hand. She says, Well, yes, of course I didn’t…Wait what exactly are you asking me? I don’t read lips! Then they get into the hot tub. They are making out in the most awkward fashion. Oh, he gave her a rose and she just almost set it on fire. Why doesn’t anyone have a sense of humor at all?

The blond girl just apologized for dissing on the other girls by saying, Sorry for my word vomit. She actually said that.

Somebody overstyled Bevin’s hair into a Farrah Fawcet hairdo and he just got his fingers stuck in it and then had to pretend he was pulling her forward to kiss him. The Word Vomit Girl just made up a lie that Tina told Rolanda that Amber had sex with Randy according to Lisa. Now he’s hugging Winnie and putting his face into her armpit (accidentally?).

Predictions during the commercial break. Who will be sent home:

*Stephanie with the huge face and boobs that could walk away and get another job at a tennis court and highly plucked eyebrows because she is too fake. I mean, he likes fake, but not TOO fake.

*A couple of the blonds who we haven’t seen much off.

*Tina from LA who is very nice and cute and who will not make for very good TV. Oh, and also if you look at her more closely, she has a weird overbite.

*Word Vomit because she’s so obviously a total idiot.

*That other blond with the huge face and wrinkles.

*The brown haired girl who looks like she was accidentally picked. She seems funny, but she’s too much of a party girl.

Who will stay:

*Bevin. Good work milking the fake spranged ankle.

*Winnie, but she will be kicked off next week.

*Amber because she gives good head and she’s got a rose to show for it.

Uh-oh. Welcome to another rose ceremony.

He’s mumbling something in a monotone about vital signs and stats and how he wishes his puppet master would let him get out more.

I was right about Winnie.

Who is Danielle? I was wrong about her. She will not make it through next week.

Bevin. Of course. Watch as she fakes a fainting spell and has to be revived with smelling salts. Her hair is flattened to her head.

I was wrong about Tina. She won’t make it through next week however.

Uh-oh. The final rose. It will be…Stephanie from Kansas! Who?

Goodbye to Fake Boobs, Word Vomit, the fun brown haired girl and few others. Now they are all hugging and Randy is worried that he’s going to be sucker punched by FB, who is a transplant coordinator, ironically.

Next week: They are going on a yacht and Bevin keeps making out with Randy. And he will be making them work on a playground and see if they hate children. Stay tuned for more crap.