What to Look for When Buying a House

- August 17, 2009

After having looked at about 40+ houses in South Philly over the last 3 weeks, I consider myself an expert in the realm. You might be amazed at the similarities they share.

The ones that are "modernized" have the same, same characteristics:

1. New, cheap faux hardwood floors (Home Depot: $2 a square yd.)
2. That big round fat sink in the bathroom (Home Depot: $45)
3. Recessed lighting (HD: $3)
4. A huge chandelier (see previous pics from house on Jackson St. HD: $24.99 or $45 for two)

The grandma type houses have:

1. A lingering mothball/spaghetti sauce smell
2. Handlebars affixed to the sides of the bathtub
3. Paneling
4. Wall-to-wall carpeting in all of the rooms
5. A pencil sharpener attached to the basement steps
6. 1 to 2 adult potty chairs
7. Jesus' in surprising places

In the shitty, still occupied houses you will find:

1. A broken beer glass on the back patio
2. Neglected pets
3.Mattresses on the floor
4. Tons of music posters to cover up dirt stains
5. Burnt candles
6. A guitar with dust on it
7. General overall filth

And then they are the houses I like which have:

1. Hardwood floors in all of the rooms (most especially if it's not the super cheap kind).
2. Some original details from the olden days like maybe a chair rail or glass doorknobs or a keyhole or built-in cabinets.
3. Three bedrooms, preferably
4. Washer/dryer and a dishwasher would be nice
5. A clean backyard with a privacy fence wherein the neighbors aren't growing twenty foot high weed trees (seen in 2 places) or there's not a dead rat skeleton in the back alley (seen in 1 place).

I hope, hope, hope this one I saw on Friday is the one I get (even though it doesn't have a dishwasher). I'll know more by the end of the week. Y'all are invited to my first dinner party.