My New Boyfriend

His name is Paul Simms. He occassionally writes for the "Shouts and Murmurs" section of The New Yorker. No images of him to be found, but I picked up a NY magazine this weekend and read his faux campaign speech which you can read here. The best paragraph by far is the following (though it's funnier if you read the whole article):

What I’m really trying to talk about on this great occasion is women like your mother, whose decades-long struggle with morbid obesity has earned her much renown in the urban folklore of our great land. That’s right—your mother: a woman who is said to be so fat that, when she sat down on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday got bounced into the middle of next week. If I could, I would give her a medal, even though she would probably eat it, thinking there’s chocolate inside.

And here's another one he wrote that I love called "Four Short Crushes." I've been there. We belong together.