The Final Rosetta Stone

Both men are completely in love with Deeyawna and yet she’s still in love with Graham Cracker. She will most certainly pick Jason or else run off with the host, Chris Harrison. Jason stands in the doorway naked, showing us his chest and his ab muscles and photos of his son. See, he’s weird. He’s also super tan. He reminds me of someone—can’t think of who…Maybe every guy I ever dated in high school who I thought was really sweet but who made me instantly sleepy. We will have to deal with recap after recap—that’s the first ninety seven minutes of the show and then the last three minutes will stretch out into

Now Jesse is being coached and told not to say “dawg” right away. His hair drives me insane—it flips up at the end like a little boy in a commercial for oatmeal. “I’m so into you, that I just am like so radically charged right now, so much so that I’m not even thinking about taking a crap or snowboarding or nothing right now—wait, hold, I might have to—no, it passed. High five, D!”

For some bizarro reason, she’s bringing both of the men home at the same time. She has the giantist framed collage of photos that I’ve ever seen; like at least 500 photos crammed into one frame the size of a roadside billboard. She’s describing the two men to the family and the way she’s describing them makes them both sound like total losers. Well, Jason has been divorced and he still breast feeds his children…And Jesse is a 26 year old snowboard with long hair who is totally opposite from me.

Jason arrives first with a basket of goodies like Little Red Riding Hood and flowers. He could’ve shaved before he showed up. How many dogs do they have? About sixteen. The sister Chrissy is so ready to take over for Deeyawna if she gives up Jason. She just kissed him on the mouth with tongue. Now she’s taking him outside to explain how hard it is to be the less cuter sister and how she “don’t want to see my sister get her heart broke again” (they’re from Georgia). Why don’t someone fix up her hairs or somethin’? She is on national TV. Now Jason will talk to Deeyawna’s dad to explain how he is in love with his daughter. Dad can’t stop staring at Jason’s hair line—is he losing his hair? Jason has asked the dad if it’s okay if he can ask Deeyawna to marry him. Dad says, “Well, hell, boy, you’re the first person who has ever asked me that.” They’re having a staring contest and may either kiss or punch each other in the jaw. Oh, hug. Aw, he’s cute. He just said, I can’t keep my hands off of you (to Deeyawna, not the dad). Dad tells Deeyawna that Jason is a gem of a guy. Oh, dear, dad’s falling for him too. I can’t wait to see how disappointed they’re going to be in Jesse.

Okay, here comes Jesse…What will he be wearing? A caftan? Oh, well, at least he brought something in a crumpled red tissue paper and he looks like he just rolled out of bed. Chrissy hugs him too. Well, at least he got his hair cut. He says, “I have long hair usually. I snow board a lot.” Huh? And luckily, he’s wearing the gigantic watch. He’s trying to explain snowboarding and how it’s a great time…And uh, he really likes the snow…And how he wants to wake up in the snow…And uh…Chrissy says that she saw it more with Jason than with Jesse. Dad asks Jesse what he will do after the butterflies leave, will he be ready for a real commitment? Jesse says, Uh, I like snowboarding and I like butterflies in the snow and when the two…Um…GET ME OUT OF HERE! He drives off in a huge Jeep. Jesse screwed up because he didn’t seem to be enough in love with Deeyawna and he didn’t ask for her hand in marriage as though we are back in the days of chivalry. Well, it is the South.

Deeyawna keeps trying to pretend that she might like Jesse, but we know the truth.

Now the two guys have to come back and meet the rest of her family. This is so boring. I don’t care about the family. Deeyawna’s jaya (grandma?) has decided she will pick the guy for her granddaughter. .Jesse shows up wearing the same outfit that he had on the day before. Why does everyone in the family keep saying how they’re going to grill the guys? Why is that effective? Jesse and Jason hug hello. This is so stupid. Jason is doing okay, but Jesse looks like he wants to die. She’s holding hands with both of them. This is so dumb. Jason is totally dissing Jesse by saying that he’s not as “rad” as Jesse. Oh, God, Jesse is teaching grandma and grandma how to give “knucks.” There is no way that he’s going to get picked. Not when the other guy is asking the grandparents what the secret is to having a happy marriage.

The sisters feel sorry for Jesse and are telling him that he needs to rock it out. Jesse is now making his move and asking the dad if it’s okay if he can ask her to marry him. Good move, Jesse. Jesse’s telling some long convoluted story about his own dad gave him the stamp of approval, he keeps saying, It would mean the world to me. He has said that same phrase like 400 times. He just gave dad knucks!! This is ghastly. When will this meal end? Oh, great, now they’re making the guys take shots. Jesse says how much it sucks to have to share the girl, “It’s like sharing a cupcake. .I want the whole thing.” Gross, Deeyawna’s hugging both of them. Jesse gives grandma knucks again. TERRIBLE! Please, make this part be over. Please! I just talked to Julie and she’s so nervous that this whole thing is a ploy so that we will be shocked when she chooses Jesse. I told her that she has to name her baby after whomever Deeyawna picks.

Now we have to watch Jeremy come back so that Deeyawna can explain to him why she didn’t pick him. Another stupid twist. He walks in and says, “I have to talk to you. I have to talk to you.” They’re holding hands. He says, “I feel like you’re making a big mistake letting me go. You have made me have feelings and I haven’t ever had these feelings before because I am only part human and the rest is mechanical.” She’s sobbing and dripping snot on his hands. She’s telling him that it’s not in her heart right now to be with him because she feels something more for the two other guys. And also, she doesn’t like him all that much, to be honest. Yes, yes, get on with it. He kisses her on the cheek and now she must walk him out. This is ridiculous. They must have just needed to kill more time. Now he’s lying on the driveway, crying. He will become a serial killer now. He won’t leave the property. The cops are showing up to drag him off while he yells, Stella!

Okay, now are the two dates with the two men and Jesse wears a green striped shirt and yellow cartoon pants. Make an effort, dude. They’re going up into a helicopter because they haven’t done that in two episodes. He does look like he probably smells really good though; don’t know why. She’s taking him to a secluded island so that they can hang out all day. He’s pretending that this is the best thing that ever happened to him. “We get off the plane, and it’s just like the two of us.” Except for the entire camera crew. At least he doesn’t press his thumb into her chin every time they kiss.

Oh, god, he’s wearing flip flops on their evening date. I know because he just kicked them off. He’s giving her a book of his thoughts, the exact same kind of book you give your sorority sister when she is inducted into Tri Delta. I’m not kidding. He’s written it all in blue Magic Marker. “Deeyawna, thanks so much for taking the time to be with me…You impressed my family and I fell in love…You are my soulmate…And I’m ready to settle down and spend the rest of my life with you and I love you and I want to love you for the rest of my life and the rest of your life and I love you so much, please pick me, dear God, please pick me because for the rest of my life, I want you to pick me and if you do, I will love you and so we will be together for the rest of our goddamn lives. Luv ya, J.” I’m hardly making any of this up.

Julie is flipping out because she thinks this is all a ploy and that they’re making Jesse seem so lame b/c she picks him in the end. I had to tell her that if she does pick Jesse, then she is a total bonehead and they deserve to be together.

On her date with Jason, they’re swimming with sharks. Both of them are freaked out. These are nurse sharks, dude. They’re not putting you in a tank with great whites. Nurse sharks eat plankton and they are very polite about it even. The even ask the planktons dad’s if they can have their permission to eat them first. Jason has a little surprise for her and it’s a game of...It’s a board game that he made—something about 8 Roses. Cute, it’s taking them both through their dates that they’ve had together. Now he’s just telling her that he loves her with all of his heart. Oh, dear, I’m starting to get convinced that Julie is right. He is too perfect. She won’t pick him.

Watch, they’re going to get the rings now. Jason will show up with a white gold gigantic diamond ring hand-crafted by her ancient jawya out of the bones of her dead mother and Jesse will show up with a ring he found in a box of Cracker Jacks. And she’ll pick Jesse. Here we go. Jason is picking out a ring that’s made by fertile Greek women and matches her exact personality and Jesse is doing eeny-meeny Minnie moe. He picks a cubic zirconian ring from Zales. Meanwhile, Deeyawna is doing her hair with a crimper. Jason has a hot body. Jesse wears a stupid hat and he’s writing his vows on piece of crumpled notebook paper. Why is he writing down the word “cheesecake?” Is he seriously going to propose to her with a word that rhymes with “cheesecake?”

Okay, well, I’ve been talking to Julie through this whole break up thing. She went ahead and sent Jason home. Why? Because he’s too perfect for her. He’s in shock in the limo. He even has his son in the trunk—his son was going to pop out and run toward her yelling, “Mommy!” He’s clutching the ring in a box. He says, “I was so ready to be in love. She wanted something that I can’t offer her. An alternative life. Or she thinks she wants it.” He’s being very measured about this whole thing. He says the only for sure thing he has is his boy. Little does he know that the ex-wife has run off with the little boy to Bora Bora. With Jeremy. Well, I officially wasted how many hours of my life? Julie said she has to go throw up now.

And how many times do we have to watch this stupid preview for I Survived Japanese Game Show or Wipe-out?
Well, now at least we’ll get to see what stupid vows he’s written on that piece of paper. He didn’t say anything about cheesecake. He didn’t even rhyme it with Deeyawna. They are both saying how they are each other’s soulmates. He does have cute sideburns. She says that she loves him. He says that he loves her too. I am sure that her dad is kicking himself right now for now getting rid of Jesse right away. Now comes the stupid soundtrack and the montage of photos of them doing dumb shit. I wonder how long they will stay together? Two weeks? Three? I guess he’s cute. What is wrong with me? He gave her knucks like fourteen thousand times. I had no idea they had so many dates. Oh, it’s really just two dates stretched out to look like 100. She says, “I cannot believe I’m going to marry the guy with the pink shoelaces!” Don’t worry. You won’t.

Comments

julie said…
i'm still sick to my stomach over this.

what about the content of jesse's love note?

here it is (word for word):

you make me smile inside and out
our family
years of whip creamy
cheesecake
your the one
Aimee said…
Yes, I meant to add this. Thank you. "Your" the one too!
Anonymous said…
Aimee:

your synopses make me guffaw silently and roaringly
your words
years of decadent
pumpkin loaf
its for real
Aimee said…
Thank you. I'm touched and moved.
Liz Webster said…
I can't believe you left out the part where Jesse almost barfs while picking out a ring for her. I thought for sure he was going to barf at the final rose ceremony! And what about that dress? She wore a tie dye mumu all she'd need is some fuzzy slippers and Jesse could have seen what she'd look like in five years when she's pregnant with their third kid. (Actually she wanted to have three BEFORE 30 and she is only 26!) Yikes.
All of this is a pretense to hide the fact that I thought they were really cute--especially in that snowboarding scene.

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