Okay, I'm Officially Sick of Being Upbeat in the Face of Adversity
For just a little while, my computer was dead due to a water spill facilitated by Ernesto. Then, it corrected itself. But later, Ernesto and Emma C. got into a fight and Ernesto jumped onto my keyboard and fucked something up so now my Windows won't stop cascading vertically. So, I am typing this while watching my letters unfold vertically. It's giving me a headache, but I cannot figure out how to fix it. Secondly, I sent what I thought was a witty, friendly and funny email to someone and he misread it completely and created more anxiety in my life, worrying that I would show up somewhere with a SWAT team at the ready. I feel like I keep making the same mistakes; I am continually a little too open even though the reaction I get is often this sort of skepticism. Maybe I am not meant to be a professional. Maybe I should take up a job as a mime or talk show host; no, I probably wouldn't do well as a talk show host either because I'd ask Tom Cruise why he didn't just come out of the closet already. I don't know where I fit. The things that my friends and family like most about me are the very same things that get me in trouble on a day to day basis, but I don't want to change who I am. I will never ever never be a type A personality and I'm tired of trying to appear as though I can achieve that. I want something really good to happen. I need for something really good to happen. I don't need anyone to give me a ton of money, but I would like it if my value as a human being could be confirmed in a concrete way. I hate that I still want the approval of people I don't respect. Does that ever end? I had a dream last night that I was back in my old neighborhood, living at my friend Wallis' house and I was waiting for her mom to come home and tell me what to do next, even though I knew that her mom wouldn't be able to help because she was a drunk. So, what does that mean that in my dreams, I have reverted back to being 12 years old? Please, please tell me that I have evolved a little more since then or am I truly that same insecure and frightened girl in Coke bottle glasses and home-ade dresses? Yes, I guess I am. Label this post as self-pitying. I am trying hard not to be that way and not to act like a victim. That's not who I want to be.