Okay, I'm Officially Sick of Being Upbeat in the Face of Adversity

For just a little while, my computer was dead due to a water spill facilitated by Ernesto. Then, it corrected itself. But later, Ernesto and Emma C. got into a fight and Ernesto jumped onto my keyboard and fucked something up so now my Windows won't stop cascading vertically. So, I am typing this while watching my letters unfold vertically. It's giving me a headache, but I cannot figure out how to fix it. Secondly, I sent what I thought was a witty, friendly and funny email to someone and he misread it completely and created more anxiety in my life, worrying that I would show up somewhere with a SWAT team at the ready. I feel like I keep making the same mistakes; I am continually a little too open even though the reaction I get is often this sort of skepticism. Maybe I am not meant to be a professional. Maybe I should take up a job as a mime or talk show host; no, I probably wouldn't do well as a talk show host either because I'd ask Tom Cruise why he didn't just come out of the closet already. I don't know where I fit. The things that my friends and family like most about me are the very same things that get me in trouble on a day to day basis, but I don't want to change who I am. I will never ever never be a type A personality and I'm tired of trying to appear as though I can achieve that. I want something really good to happen. I need for something really good to happen. I don't need anyone to give me a ton of money, but I would like it if my value as a human being could be confirmed in a concrete way. I hate that I still want the approval of people I don't respect. Does that ever end? I had a dream last night that I was back in my old neighborhood, living at my friend Wallis' house and I was waiting for her mom to come home and tell me what to do next, even though I knew that her mom wouldn't be able to help because she was a drunk. So, what does that mean that in my dreams, I have reverted back to being 12 years old? Please, please tell me that I have evolved a little more since then or am I truly that same insecure and frightened girl in Coke bottle glasses and home-ade dresses? Yes, I guess I am. Label this post as self-pitying. I am trying hard not to be that way and not to act like a victim. That's not who I want to be.

Comments

Jacob Russell said…
Pool at Bella Rosa.

Bad pool.

Bad wine... but on MLk day, caught unawares... that's what you're stuck with.
Check out Jacobrussellsbarkingdog.blogspot.com

z'allright... all I'm interested in are the words

So was he legal?
Liz said…
You're not the same person...but in some ways you are and should be. We don't shed our past selves, we wear them differently.

People who misconstrue funny, witty, friendly emails from you don't deserve to be getting emails from you. I say this having no idea under what circs you sent this email - but I'm sure there was nothing wrong with what you said.
Anonymous said…
i love you, bunny.
I'm tired of being upbeat, too. If you want we can just be miserable together...

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