He Loves Me/He Hates My Guts

Okay, missed last week’s Bachelor and so will try to make up for it tonight. I’m not sure who got kicked off, but I believe there are only four tingling Bachelorettes left, including the crippled Bevin.

I don’t understand the attraction of the show, Dancing with the Has Beens. The saddest thing about this show is that Muhammad Ali’s daughter is on it and her dad, the former heavyweight champion who used to dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee now sits in the audience looking like he’s made of stone, or perhaps dead and propped up with cotton stuffing.

Billy Ray Cyrus took the opportunity to be on a live program to tell them bitches, the judges, that he is a Southern gentleman, goddamnit and them high-faluting judges need to learn them some Southern manners for Christ’s sake and Jesus on a cracker, and then he burst into his own rendition of Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much.” This last couple, Apolo (yes, with one “l”) and Julianne are doing something strange weird tango to “Oh, My Darlin’, Clementine.” I don’t know who the real dancer is and who the fake dancer is—neither one is recognizable. But who cares, the fake audience loved them all so much and you, the viewing audience, sitting on your sofas and eating potato chips, can call in and vote.

Here’s what I hate about Bevin (aside from her name), how every time she sees Randy, she leaps up onto him and throws her legs around his waist in a death grip. How many tears will be shed tonight? And why is he driving that utter penis mobile sports car that makes him look like a complete idiot? I hate him. Also, someone please find him a suit that fits his body and is not three sizes too big for him.

Another great thing about this show: they just played the same four scenes (the home dates) twice back to back. Cheesy voice over: And what happens on Winnie’s date? Well, we’ll show you! Thirty seconds later: If you’ve already forgot what’s going to happen on Winnie’s date, here it is again. Aren’t you excited to see it three more times??? (Please act surprised).

I like Danielle, but she’s the least attractive. She has a huge head—it’s bigger than her entire torso and she keeps bringing up her dead boyfriend at every turn.

Would you like some champagne, Danielle?

You know, that’s the last thing my boyfriend said to me before he died.

Oh, I’m sorry.

That’s the second last thing he said to me. He actually said. I’m sorry, would you like some champagne?

Bevin’s home date is first. Oh, there she goes with the legs wrapped tightly around his waist. I wish she would knock him over that log and give him a concussion. He just said, “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Sick. If she’s from Seattle, why does she have an accent like she’s from Farley, North Dakota? Yes, yes, fine, she was married before. Who cares? She’s trying to tell him about it and he just keeps chewing his cheese. “And…I’m really a man!” He has this fake smile plastered on his face—he can’t decide if he should smile or frown or swallow his mouthful of cheese. Star crying, come on, cry!! He doesn’t like you any more. You’re used goods, lady. The 23 year old is looking better and better. Cry, damnit!

Bevin’s family lives in a mansion. Her dad is crying because he hasn’t seen his baby girl in two weeks. That is where she learned the death grip—her father taught her. Thank God they have wine. He’s chewing again. I wish someone would give him elocution lessons, or maybe acting lessons, so that he doesn’t continually talk in a monotone. Oh, okay, now Bevin is crying in embarrassment because her mom gave Randy this boring painting. She has retired to this massive parlor with her father. She and her dad are about to make out. Too much wine. Now dad’s crying. Now Henri’s crying. Now I’m crying. She’s tired of getting her heart broken. The whole family is a basket case. Randy announces to the family, “You have a wunnerful daughter. She’s wunnerful. I can’t believe someone this wunnerful could be so divorced.” Omigod, Randy’s hitting on her younger sister, Oona. Oh, no, wait that’s Bevin. I don’t think he knows the difference at this point.

Hey, here’s an idea. How about if he stops wearing that Old Navy zipper up fleece on every date?

And now it’s time for his date with Danielle, the horsey girl. She lives in Alaska or somewhere with tons of snow. He runs at her with the same level of enthusiasm as he did toward Bevin. In fact, I think his step is a little lighter. He just clicked his heels together. Oh, I love the family; they have two dogs. Dad is scary. He has a dome bald head like a monk. Randy just said, “Oh, hey, you’re her little sister.” He’s now hitting on Danielle’s sister, Kaitland. Randy looks at the cue cards—it’s hard for him to see them because of the shine gleaming off dad’s head. “You have a Charmin…uh, whoops, I mean, charming daughter. Sorry, can we take that cue again?” He’s droning on and on about something. The family is nodding and saying, “Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Yeah. Mmmhmmm. Sure. What?” They’re belly dancing. How fun! He just did a pelvic thrust at Danielle’s face, right in front of the dad. The dad doesn’t care because he just wants his daughter to be Mrs. Lieutenant Captain Doctor Randy Danielle Gentleman.

I love Winnie the most. She looks like she doesn’t wear any make-up at all and she’s so so cute and sweet. He LOVES her!!! He ran at her even faster than the other two. Look at her adorable hat she’s wearing with a white pom-pom on top. She made him a huge snowball and now they’re wrestling in the snow. I am dying! She is so happy. There is no way that they won’t end up together. I will stake my Henri on it. Now granted, Henri doesn’t have long to live, so it’s not a huge risk, but still. God, he’s now hitting on the third sister, Mercy! Mercy is right. They have a dog too—a little black dog with a waggly tail. Oh, and a brown dog too. He’s making more jokes with them than anyone else. Hi, hello, Samantha, the best friend, why don’t you just go home? We don’t want you here. Quit asking him the hard questions until he’s had fifteen more beers.

How cute, dad and Randy are doing the dishes. He keeps saying, “That raised some red flags” just because dad said that Winnie went on the show because she thought it would be fun. Hi, there were plenty of red flags the whole time with all of the girls. Just because she’s not jamming her tongue down your throat doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. Haven’t you ever heard of playing hard to get?

Now Randy’s hitting on the brown dog.

They are sitting alone in yet another parlor. He says, “You, are like, across the board, like so incredible. I feel, like, so much, like, I don’t know, potential with you. You should go for it.” (Please don’t high-five her and please put your dog tags back in your blue oxford Old Navy button up, Randy. Why did the cameraperson just zoom in on Tessa’s bra strap?). “I think you’re a wunnerful girl, Tessa or Danielle or Rufus, or whatever your name is.” He just forced her to say, “I want to fall in love with you.” Then he said, “Good, cause I’m dumping you in the next half hour.”

No, he’s definitely going to get rid of Ramona from Sugarland, Texas, probably in part because she’s wearing a baby doll dress with the hemline right below her ass. “That’s awesome! That’s awesome!” Hahahah. They’re fake-joking around. Here come the students, hugging their teacher because they’re on TV. Hey, I didn’t know he was from Pennsylvania. What grade are these kids in? Aw, he’s cute when he talks to the kids, though still in a robotic way. A very warm robot. I don’t know why he’s not meeting her family—I guess they’re not supportive of her being on the show. Neither are her aunt and uncle. Neither are the neighbors or the school crossing guard. None of them support her. He is sticking his fingers in her eyeballs to stop her from crying. It is kind of sad.

I was not able to do a blow-by-blow of the Ramona date because I had to eat Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Suffice it to say that she lives with Nicole Richie and that her little puffball dog, Fluffernutter, peed on the carpet during dinner. He will send her home, back to her sorority house apartment and she will have to go into therapy to work out why her family destroyed all of her chances for marrying him, even though he wouldn’t want to date her regardless of what happened with the family because of her college girl lifestyle.

In the most difficult rose ceremony yet…………

I hate Bevin.

“You are four of the most incredible women that I have ever met and now to have gone to your hometowns and met your parents, your siblings, your dogs, I feel that even more so. You all are amazing. I am responsible for my heart and responsible for all of your hearts as well. In the end, we are all searching for the same thing, true love.”

Picked:

TESSA

BEVIN (she’s wearing black nail polish and has a stupid tattoo of herself on her shoulder. Idiot).

The final rose tonight, goes to…

DANIELLE (dressed like a Grecian princess)

Not picked:

RAMONA (she is going to punch him the face) Oh, whoops, I just realized that her name is Amber. She is so going to kick his ass. “Why didn’t you choose me, why? I just want to know why. WHY?” She is crying so much that her entire face is wet. She’s got snot on her upper lip. Her whole face is glistening with snot and tears. He just stuck his thumb in her eye again. She’s destroyed. She can’t stop pulling her strapless baby doll dress up. She is sobbing. He is upset, but I think even more excited to have that weight lifted off his shoulders. She said, “I just don’t understand. I just have no frickin’ clue. All guys break my heart so I should just be fucking used to it.” Yes, she’s mature.

Next week: They are all going to Hawaii and they will be seeing whales and Randy in his really bad uniform. “It’s about being a US Naval officer. This is a serious mission I’m on. To find my wife.”

Tune in again in seven short days and do a shot of whiskey every time you hear the word “Aloha!”