Going Hawaii with the Bachelor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is Randy a Republican? I think he may be. He wants to show the girls Pearl Harbor, because it's the most important place in his entire monotone life. He is now showing Bevin where people blew up and died. Bevin is pretending to care while worrying that her little white daisy will blow out of her hair. He's wearing his white uniform and looks completely dorky. He can't stop giving facts: Those are black tears in the water, 501 men and women died in Pearl Harbor, 14 of those soldiers were ambidextrous.

Aloha Count (three minutes into the show): 3

Dani is quite impressed because her grandmother was a nurse who was blown up (or impregnanted or both--it's not clear) on the shores of Pearl Harbor. He's forcing Dani to disassemble her flower and throw it into the inky water. "The shape of the monument is a symbol of our country and of my penis if you accept the 'stay overnight' card later.")

Here comes Winnie/Tessa. She's still ambivalent about the Navy lifestyle. For the third time, he is showing the USS Missouri and the sunken remains of the Titanic. "Toss the flowers into the water, Winnie. Make this little red-headed child throw hers in as well." To the child: "See this woman? She's my girlfriend, one of my 3 girlfriends, actually." The parents just snatched up their daughter and ran away.

Use of the Word "wife" by Randy (five minutes into the show): 17.5

Randy's first date is with Winnie. They are wearing yellow hard hats and walking across a bridge. Randy takes the moment to explain how helping each other across the bridge is a metaphor for relationships. Now they're drinking wine and watching the sunset and Tessa is telling Randy how to fight off sharks by punching them in the face which I think is her hidden metaphor for their relationship.

In other news, just got the Texas A&M University Press guide which has Wonderful Girl (my book) advertised on page 49. The cover of the book makes me laugh nervously every time I see it, because the girl on the cover is so dorky looking. I just know readers are going to think it's a picture of me. The girl looks startling similar to a friend from my childhood, Dee Enzmann. It's a pretty garish cover--yellow and purple and crazy. Buy it anyway.

Now we are back to The Bachelor, where I am sure Tessa is going to f it up by not accepting the sex card at the end of the date. He's dressed like Danny Terrio--a white suit with a black shirt (no "chuff" though, Liz). He needs to find a new adjective other than "incredible." Are his teeth real or were they stolen from a cartoon character? "I feel like a King with my Queen..." Oh, hold on, she just accepted the sex card. Okay, so maybe she'll make it to the final round, but it looks like first they will have to blow out the 5,000 candles lit around the suite. She's so cute.
She's wearing a bikini in the tub while he is fully naked. (Note: gratuitious shots of Randy jogging without his shirt on to show his manly body, good enough for any wife).

Next up, Danielle and the ghost of her dead boyfriend. They are kissing while both wearing their sunglasses. Ick. Somehow, ABC was able to get dolphins to swim by the boat. Oh, whoops, they just ran over a few. Cut to: killer whales diving in and out of the water or at least edited in at a later date. Now they are snorkeling and making out underwater in swim masks. Bubbles everywhere. "It's wunnerful." Danielle is telling Randy about how a psychic predicted that she will be with someone on a TV show. I think he should break up with her just based on the fact that she went to a psychic. He may like her better than Tessa or else ABC is messing with us. "Romance is brewing and it's starting to bubble up and it feels really good." Not sure if he's talking about the date or about his dinner.

I bet that Bevin is going to cry on her date.

More naked jogging shots.

Oh, he is a total dork--he has brought a psychic who is either slightly illiterate or else has a foreign accent. Hard to tell. Psychic: "This card means that there is something in the future and also loses in the past. It also means that there are cameras all around that may be recording this right now. "Andy asks, "Will I get engaged in a week?" Psychic: "Let the worrying go. When you are making choices, you have two choices: how would love decide or how would fear decide, and you must let love decide how you want things to happen." I mean, I wouldn't hate it if he ended up with Danielle, but I like Winnie so much better. Why do they pretend that the fantasy date night is a surprise? They do it every time. Instead of making out, they are discussing how many children they want to have. About three.

He is totally messing with every single one of these women. He acts exactly the same toward each one. Bevin has a stupid tatto of Hell's Angles on the small of her back. He needs to stop yelling, "Whoo-ahoo-hoo-ahoo-hoo!" He's done it on each date. Again with the making out under water among the floating algae. He doesn't have to even ask Bevin if she will take the fantasy date card since I think she's giving him a bj under the waterfall.

I admit that I missed some of this date b/c I went upstairs to put on my glasses, wash my face, and pick my face. Sorry, Bevin.

The Samoan fire dancers have arrived to throw flames at them. Bevin is pretending to find it oustanding. Now they are dancing awkwardly together, though he just told her that he thought that dancing with her was "totally hot." He won't pick Bevin b/c she's the girl he wants to sleep with, but he's not sure he wants to be with her forever, in part, because she keeps putting flowers behind her ear, but more importantly, because she's been divorced. He's a traditionalist. I guess he'll end up with Danielle.

He kisses too loudly. He's pulling out the fantasy date card. She's ripping it open while saying yes. Oh, wow, she's telling him that she will go with him to the suite but that they have to talk for fifteen minutes before she gives him another bj. God, now they're slow dancing without any music. He just accidentally set her hair on fire.

The third glimpse of him jogging without his shirt on. Enough!

Okay, I missed reporting a lot of the last 15 minutes because of eating cheese and crackers. He picked Bevin and Tessa, which means that he will end up with Tessa. Danielle is being very gracious. She's pulling away in a white limo and will now sob. But really, not as much as she did when her boyfriend died. Randy is crying too. I guess she'll be the next Bachelorette. I guarantee it. She's likable.

There is now way that Bevin will win. She's boring.

Oh, group hug! "What's up!" They're going back to Lancaster, PA to meet his family. Bevin says, "Awesome!"

Two hour season finale next week. Both women say that they love him. Bummer!

"I can't wait to be engaged to the women I mean woman who is the best wife for my Navy babies."


Liz said…
Having seen the configuration of your computer and internet connection, I am mightily impressed that you are able to watch TV and blog at the same time.

Are you using mirrors? Or maybe you're not internet connected at the time of the writing? Or perhaps you now have a wireless router?
Hasana said…
I really want to see a picture of your book. I tried to amazon, but it n'est pas workied.