All I have to do is dream........................

Young love is supposed to be romantic and the associated pain to be a rite of passage, but I never, ever, never, ever in a thousand years want to go through that again, would never want to give anyone the power over me that I let him have (although since then, I could list 6 other guys who I allowed to dictate my happiness/unhappiness/worthiness/unworthiness based on how they felt about me). I visited him years later after college and believed that I had grown up enough to relax around him. Not true. The second I saw him, I shrank back into myself and turned into a paper doll version of who I usually am.
I've finally decided that it was a combination of my insecurities and his personality that exacerbated the situation--like, if he had stopped trying so hard to be enigmatic or nonchalant or theatrical, I might have been able to let down my guard or not worried so much. Even this morning, I thought, Yeah, but if I saw him again, I'd be more confident and less in need of his approval. Unlikely. There are certain people who cause you to behave in ways you normally wouldn't if they were anyone else. That's not to say that I'm blameless; just that those feelings are dangerous if you start to believe they're rooted in a trembling, deep love gone awry instead of what they usually are (for me, anyway), which is a serious need to win the attention and favor of the supremely self-involved man (stepdad issues anyone?).
Thank you, that is my serious post for the year. Tune in tomorrow when I will return to being flippant.
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