All I have to do is dream........................

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Vivid dreams last night, probably b/c I was so exhausted and yet kept waking up--Gretel had a lot to do from 1 AM-6 AM and so was up and down on the bed, scratching every half hour to get under the covers. I should thank her though because I dreamed of Mr. Darcy (as played by Colin Firth). We were at a pep rally and he was paying attention to me (Elizabeth Bennett had gone off to buy popcorn). He flashed me the same look he gives her; this adoring, searing glance that illustrates his undying love. But then EB returned and he forgot all about me. His character morphed into a guy I had a huge crush on in college. In the dream, we ran into one another at a FSU reunion (he would never, ever go to one and neither would I). He looked the same, blond mop of hair, blue eyes, not very tall but not short either. I remembered what it was like to be around him; I morphed into a 13 year old girl with glasses and dangling arms; self-conscious, trying to decide what to say or do to make him laugh or like me more, feeling inadequate and not cute, and then becoming achingly hopeful while also dreading rejection any time had paid attention to me. Uncomfortable at all times but attempting so hard not to show it. HORRIBLE.

Young love is supposed to be romantic and the associated pain to be a rite of passage, but I never, ever, never, ever in a thousand years want to go through that again, would never want to give anyone the power over me that I let him have (although since then, I could list 6 other guys who I allowed to dictate my happiness/unhappiness/worthiness/unworthiness based on how they felt about me). I visited him years later after college and believed that I had grown up enough to relax around him. Not true. The second I saw him, I shrank back into myself and turned into a paper doll version of who I usually am.

I've finally decided that it was a combination of my insecurities and his personality that exacerbated the situation--like, if he had stopped trying so hard to be enigmatic or nonchalant or theatrical, I might have been able to let down my guard or not worried so much. Even this morning, I thought, Yeah, but if I saw him again, I'd be more confident and less in need of his approval. Unlikely. There are certain people who cause you to behave in ways you normally wouldn't if they were anyone else. That's not to say that I'm blameless; just that those feelings are dangerous if you start to believe they're rooted in a trembling, deep love gone awry instead of what they usually are (for me, anyway), which is a serious need to win the attention and favor of the supremely self-involved man (stepdad issues anyone?).

Thank you, that is my serious post for the year. Tune in tomorrow when I will return to being flippant.

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