But Call Me Betsy

Here's the thing: I thought the state of the disunion was tonight and the show would be cancelled so I ate cereal and read a book instead of watching the show. I have an idea that I should live blog during the address as though it were an episode of The Bachelor . "You are all getting roses! Every last one of you. Nobody's leaving here with outta a rose and a MAGA hat." MAGA always makes me think of condoms because of Magnums. So many other things MAGA could stand for: Make America Gay Again (I'd support that), Men Are Giant Asses, Make America Greedy Again, My Aunt Got Alzheimers. Oh, wait, we are back. They're in the bottom of a ship filled with boats. I won't comment on what she's wearing, but he is wearing a J. Crew jacket with a checked button up Chaps shirt under it and slacks. Really, the guys don't have to try at all. Somehow, the producers have figured out how to set a scene, but not how to have fans going so Arie doesn't sweat and h...

Their journey is changing now. They are leaving wherever they are (a studio in LA? New Mexico? A villa in New Jersey?) to go to--wait for it....Lake Tahoe! Squeal! Home of geese and black bears and mountain tops. If this whole thing doesn't catapult Arie into fame, he could always get a job replacing the handsome Trivago guy or doing svelte Viagra ads. Cue the faux bearskin rugs stapled onto wood paneling. Cue a large stone fireplace and ship-lack (perhaps Chip and Joanna from Fixer Upper will come and restore the rooms to give the cabin a more open concept and a floating kitchen cabinet). One on one date with one of the African American women. He drives her away in a red jeep to get on a red boat called the ZCR (I guess that's the frat he belonged to. Zeta Chi Rau). They are doing that thing where they go up in parachutes behind a boat. Sienne is handling it well. Para-sailing. The women back at the cabin hope they will fall in the water. Tee-hee. Someone did say t...

Why do the women sprawl together on the coach with their legs intertwined, wearing J. Crew pajamas and holding mugs from IKEA? One woman appears to be clutching a mini-milk pitcher. The group date names are announced. This theme is "It's all about the ring." Dan guesses boxing or wrestling. What I wouldn't give for abs like they have. Really. Every single one of them has a six-pack. I have...the opposite. A fluffy pack? A teddy bear pack? This episode is sponsored by Luluemon. Yes, it's female wrestling. The women admit they have never wrestled before. Dan says, "This is so demeaning." Arie stands with a jacket slung over his shoulder like a Sears model. Two real/fake female wrestlers step into the ring, one dressed like she's from the Grecian era and the other dressed like an extra from a Pink Floyd video. Billy Joel's daughter is not interested in doing any of this. What a disaster. The lady from Arkansas is crying because the GLOW lady insul...

I only ask because he looks tired today. But on to the show! Kristine sent me an article this week that detailed the behind the scenes rules for The Bachelor, which of course, includes the producers being able to tell him who he can keep and who he can send home. Only 92 women left. Arie goes to the house on some type of donorcycle (that's what people in the transplant world call motorcycles because you will become brain dead when you crash it into the road). They show a hawk for some reason. I guess the hawk is his animal self? . First one-on-one with Becca K. She's the one I like the best. She's over the moon to be chosen. All the women note that he looks cute in a leather jacket. I think he looks like he's wearing a Member's Only jacket, the kind I was dying to have in 7th grade. They drive fifteen feet to go to another nondescript house and meet Rachel Zoe, a famous person I know nothing about. She has brought a rack of clothes for Becca. Arie sits back wi...

He likes the snow! But he hates the wind! He alternates between bounding like a bunny over the drifts and cowering near our neighbor's concrete planter and then pulling toward home.  He wears a $24 waterproof doggie coat that un-velcros every time he moves. It has a tiny hood that looks cute when he's not in motion, but immediately falls off or blocks his vision when he takes a step. We tried to get him to put on doggie boots to prevent salt wounds on his little paws, but they were too small and it seemed unbelievably first-world problem-ish of us to own them, so we returned the four mini boots for an overpriced bag of organic dog food.  Since he has a fairly short memory, he doesn't remember that it's cold outside when we pull out the leash. He jumps up, and spins, excited to go out into what I can only imagine he thinks is possibly a summer, squirrel-filled day. Then, when we open the door and are hit in the face with an icy blast of wet snow, he tries to turn back in...

Make a list of all the people who didn't die last year. There are lots! This will help you realize how lucky you are to be alive. Go on YouTube to watch videos of other people celebrating New Years Eve all around the world. Play 365 games of Pyramid Solitaire. For every game you win, that's how many more years you have left to live. Have a second Christmas/Hanukkah by re-wrapping ordinary kitchen objects (a crusty dish towel, serving spoon, spices) in brown paper bags and opening them up at midnight. Cut up tons of confetti using ordinary white printer paper and throw in the air at midnight. Then play a game to see how many pieces each person can pick up off the floor before 12:05 a.m. Binge watch 20,000 Pyramid episodes circa 1978 and flip back and forth between that and Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's to try to figure out why the Take turns reading aloud from Dickens' classic, A Jersey New Year, Yo . We didn't go out for New Years but we did go...

I haven't been on The Bachelor circuit for a little while. Something about a tyrant megalomaniac billionaire getting elected has distracted me from reality TV. In part, that's because the White House is being run like The Apprentice and it scares the crap out of me. Daily. So, who is this guy? He races cars? He might have gray hair. He might have huge ears. Or a huge ear. The baby doesn't like him. We meet the women and they include a woman from Wiener, Somewhere and a woman who plays the ukulele and collects taxidermy. Also, a nanny and a boxer. All actresses. All hoping to have their own show. The yoga teacher whose brother has been swept into the opiod epidemic which has inspired her to put sandwiches in paper bags. At 29, she's one of the older ones even though I think Arie is 52. He does that thing with his hair where he brushes it all the way forward like Zac Effron or someone in a boy band. First lady wears a long white dress and she's a realtor from F...