But Call Me Betsy

Last week, our Internet was broken, and the week before that, I didn't have the energy to check in. Now, I am fighting the pull of World Cup soccer from my family members, but I shall persevere.  Previews tell me that she's doing a good job of making out with lots of guys. The dude with long hair is still on the show, as well as the model who keeps reminding us that he's a model. She gives the model a pair of golden hot pants. Apparently, someone fell off a bunk bed last time. Why are they being forced to sleep like they're the boys in The Brady Bunch?  Don't know what's happening now because there is a severe thunderstorm warning for some counties (not ours). We're right in the middle of a rose ceremony. She can't send home the guy with the beat up face. Instead, she gives him the rose that men with bruises get. She finds him to be so positive and upbeat after "the beating he took" from falling off a bed.  Number of times the word ...

I promised in the last season of The Bachelor that I wouldn't ever, ever watch this show, let along blog about it. But the thing is that I am not blogging at all, because I'm doing some other writing that's not of general interest. So...that's my justification for tuning in. We'll see how this goes. I am noticing eyebrows right away and wondering why mine aren't more sculpted. Hi, Katelyn, you are altered. They all look the same. No one is slightly chubby, none of them have short haircuts, they all have these feathery extensions and long, fawn-like limbs. I promise you that this is all research for my some-day dissertation on gender differences in pop culture representations of romance. To shame-facedly recap from last time, Ari proposed to Becca and then he changed his mind in the last episode and broke up with her ON LIVE TELEVISION, people. It was The Bachelor event of the century (per Chris Harrison). Three former Bachelorettes show up to sage the pla...

1. Arie asks one of the women to marry him. She goes, "Oh, you're sweet! Let's break up." 2. Arie asks none of the women to marry him. They go, "You suck! My mother was right about you." 3. Arie decides he is in love with Kendall or the theater major, even though they've been sent home to stuff dead pets/audition for Peter Pan . 4. Arie decides he would rather roll the dice on the paradise episodes and so we're back to #2 as he sends both ladies packing. 5. Another ex-boyfriend shows up and reveals that he's already engaged to Lauren or the other one. 6. I get bored and go to bed and we never find out what happens. 7. One of the women gets bitten by a llama and has to have a leg amputated, forcing Arie to choose her even though he'd rather have the two-legged woman. Turns out Arie's dad is British-ish and/or his dentures are loose. Does dad have a speech impediment? No problem if he does. Is this Arie's sister or someone fr...

This is the episode where they pretend there's even a tiny speck of dust of doubt that they might not go to the fantasy suite. They always say yes. First date goes to Kendall, the taxidermist who is too weird for him, and who I like. Their fantasy suite is being held in a tiki hut that she made out of birds nests. Kendall is not sure how to take the next step with Arie. She wants him to see her for her, not her for stuffing dead animals. She wears a red knitted pantsuit made out of the pelts of rare crimson aardvarks. He says he's never dated a girl who plays the ukulele or who has skinned and mounted raccoons on corkboard. I feel like she's going home.  Will Kendall be the first person to reject the sex card???? Uh...No, come on, people, have you never seen this show? Have I mentioned that I am not a fan of audible kisses that actually sound like the word "smooch?" Kendall is incredibly lovely. She has that all American blond good cheerleader looks, li...

First, ask yourself what you can reasonably accomplish in five to seven minutes. You can capture maybe one long scene or three or four scenes of about two or three minutes in length each. If you had to choose five to seven minutes from your own life or experiences to illustrate a moment of significance, what would you pick? Can you think of any moments in your life where change occurred, but didn’t end in violence or chaos? Tell the story of a moment of change. That change should come from the interaction among the characters and not from an external forces (car crash, avalanche, asteroid). The change can be small. Your listener wants to discover that in the telling of the story, something is slightly different at the end. Keep it simple.  Do not try to cover too much ground. You don’t have time. Know what your characters want. Make it concrete. Start as close to the end as possible. Do not try to trick the listener but surprising us with a new piece of information a...

I missed last week because I couldn't be bothered. I heard the theater major went home, and I'm sure two to three sincere tears were shed, just like when she had to play Laura in the high school version of The Glass Menagerie . I wish her well. I can't wait to see what Weiner, Arkansas is like. Who will have a jealous older sister? Which mom will have had the most work done? Does Kendall have a twin sister like in Sweet Valley High? Why did I just now notice that Arie has an arm tattoo that looks like the license plate of the first car he raced? Kendall is first. He cradles her head to his head as if she were a baby. She takes him to her taxidermy/serial killer barn. She killed so many lizards and turtles and worn down bobcats. (She is not going to make it to the fantasy suite. She brings him to a romantic date where they stuff the skinned body of white rats. Who doesn't love that? I can't tell you how many times I've fallen in love over the carcass of a d...

Oh, okay, a little late in the game, but we're in a motorboat on the Seine, passing what appears to be the New York Public Library. It's a one-on-one date with Lauren. They have nothing to talk about as they pass cheese. She's holding a copy of Colette in her hand. She could ask him some questions. They pass many French people and tourists sitting on benches. Arie worries that Lauren is not into him. That would be great. She is super beautiful. He's wearing a denim shirt as if he is going to a rodeo. Night falls. Back at the house. The women are wrapped in white blankets and living in something that looks like an underwater aquarium. I just saw a manatee swim by the giant windows.  Back in the nightlife, Arie takes Lauren to a brassiere. In French, that's a bra fitting place. She has perfect dental work and lashes like the woman in that movie about exotic dancers. Showgirls ! Arie gives a serious talk about a partner who had a miscarriage and then moved out. H...

Here's the thing: I thought the state of the disunion was tonight and the show would be cancelled so I ate cereal and read a book instead of watching the show. I have an idea that I should live blog during the address as though it were an episode of The Bachelor . "You are all getting roses! Every last one of you. Nobody's leaving here with outta a rose and a MAGA hat." MAGA always makes me think of condoms because of Magnums. So many other things MAGA could stand for: Make America Gay Again (I'd support that), Men Are Giant Asses, Make America Greedy Again, My Aunt Got Alzheimers. Oh, wait, we are back. They're in the bottom of a ship filled with boats. I won't comment on what she's wearing, but he is wearing a J. Crew jacket with a checked button up Chaps shirt under it and slacks. Really, the guys don't have to try at all. Somehow, the producers have figured out how to set a scene, but not how to have fans going so Arie doesn't sweat and h...