Hometown sweetheart dates from hell and a surprise
1. Arie asks one of the women to marry him. She goes, "Oh, you're sweet! Let's break up."
2. Arie asks none of the women to marry him. They go, "You suck! My mother was right about you."
3. Arie decides he is in love with Kendall or the theater major, even though they've been sent home to stuff dead pets/audition for Peter Pan.
4. Arie decides he would rather roll the dice on the paradise episodes and so we're back to #2 as he sends both ladies packing.
5. Another ex-boyfriend shows up and reveals that he's already engaged to Lauren or the other one.
6. I get bored and go to bed and we never find out what happens.
7. One of the women gets bitten by a llama and has to have a leg amputated, forcing Arie to choose her even though he'd rather have the two-legged woman.
Turns out Arie's dad is British-ish and/or his dentures are loose. Does dad have a speech impediment? No problem if he does. Is this Arie's sister or someone from the British bake-off show? Mom is definitely from Sweden or Germany and she has a different face on than she is supposed to have.
Next up is Becca K. She brings flowers and a basket of cash. Becca pretends to love him back, but she's really not into it. I bet that's how it ends. He asks one of the women to marry him and that woman (Lauren) says Naw. Then he goes to the other one, and asks her if she would be the consolation prize and then that person (Becca) says, I guess. Or rather, No.
Mom tells Arie he should go for...Blank. They don't tell us. But I feel like she's picking Lauren because they're both blond (in theory). Becca says she and Lauren are so different, they're like apples and a starfish. I love that comparison. Does Becca consider herself an apple or a starfish?
Dan's mom is watching this with me and she would like to know how they can drag this out for three hours. I would like to know as well. Dad says he should pick Becca because she will kick his ass. I prefer Becca too because I feel like Lauren is spoiled. My only evidence of this is that she lives in a two-story colonial.
Smattering of applause from the live audience. Some woman from earlier in the episode is upset by the rumors but I don't know what she's talking about. I think what she's trying to say is that he doesn't know what love is. I don't understand what's going on.
Date with Lauren at Machu Piccu. It just sunk in that this episode will go until 11. Guess what? I only go until 10. I have to finish a Fay Wheldon book I only sort of like. Arie is now thinking he's in love with Lauren because they had so much fun fake running through the pyramids and she looked so cute in denim. He tells her that he wants to have babies because he's 36. They are boring. I feel like these are two people who should be in an L.L. Bean catalog.
Lillian says she should be in the American Girl catalog.
I missed the date with Becca because I took the dog out for a pee.
Things we could be doing besides watching this show:
1. Learning about the geopolitical history of Peru.
2. Reading a book by Fay Wheldon about life in the 1800s.
3. Self-grooming and care.
4. Studying shorthand to take better notes during meetings.
5. Starting a new Netflix series that is intelligent and has a murder or two in it.
6. Writing letters to people we haven't seen in ages.
7. Finding ways to fight global warming within our personal lives and throughout the neighborhood.
8. Taking off our bras.
9. Getting those crunchy things out of the dog's eyes.
10. Memorizing the meaning of tarot cards for upcoming parties and personal fulfillment.
11. Writing a poem, short story, novel, or limerick.
12. Reading out loud of our personal journals to some dude who could give a shit (as Becca is doing now).
13. Creating a collage of the four photos you have of the person you've been alone with a total of four times (as she is also doing).
14. Practicing kissing on the back of our hands like we used to do in middle school.
15. Researching that one puppeteer who used to make puppets out of his hand. What was his name? Marcel Marceau? No, Senor Wences.
Dan's mother is non-plussed by all of this and keeps getting up to play a game on her computer.
It's amazing how Lauren wakes up in full make-up. I'm the same way. Becca journals about it. She loves Arie so much that no collage could fully express her feelings. Lauren wears the same dress she had on at prom ten years ago made out of her mom's first chandelier.
Arie must choose a ring for the woman he is in love with--even though he hasn't made up his mind yet. Flip a coin. Product placement for a large Timex watch.
Dan's mom doesn't like that he wears his jacket short. "I noticed that," she said.
Well, here we are with only 85 or so minutes left and Lauren gets out of the limo first, but not really because they will edit it so that we also see Becca get out of her a limo. Oh, wait, no. Lauren gives a speech about how she never realized how great he was and how she thought she had love figured out and that the walls would protect her. Blah, blah, blah, and Arie looks sad and she has loved him all along. He says he can't pick her and he's so sorry. She stays cool. The llamas do not interfere. He is still confused. We wonder when we can go to bed.
Here comes Becca who is too smart for him. She should be glad when he decides he doesn't want her since I already know that's what he's going to do. She could be the next Bachelorette or maybe she could go get her Ph.D. and cure cancer.
Dan is home now and able to comment. He feels that Becca K. looks too much like she's Arie's sister. So, wait, he's going to propose to her but then go chase after Lauren? Like, WHAT? Dan says that Arie's saying, "I've loved you and then I realized your thighs are too big and you have cankles."
He gets down on one knee and presents her with a ring. She says that she will marry him and they kiss, but...He's going to change his mind? He gives her a rose and they drink champagne and she possibly quotes a line from Titanic. If he does change his mind and go back with Lauren, this will be my last bachelor blog post. No more semi-enjoying someone else's pain.
Scenes of them together, including brushing their teeth and playing chess. He goes to bed and thinks about Lauren and he wakes up and he thinks about Lauren. This is all happening within 24 hours? He feels like he made a mistake and he's going to call off the engagement. He has had a change of heart. This is the unedited part of the show. We will now have to watch him break up with her while she's super happy. My friend Kristine reminds me that this is not real and they are all actors. Or they all want to be actors. I wonder what it's like to watch this taped and fast-forward through the commercials. It must only really be 43 minutes long.
Now for the unedited part of the show. "It's Arie-zona," says Dan. We get to watch him break up with her unedited. Fantastic. I'm going to bed after this and I'm not watching this again. Becca is on guard. She got a tattoo on her hand for him? I hope not. He keeps saying how much he has enjoyed hanging out with her. She wants to know if he's fucking kidding her. The water is really loud in the background. Becca is pretty okay with it so far. She keeps swearing, but quietly. I would too. Just give him the ring and tell him to fuck off. The sound guy turned off the waterfall finally. She tells him that he never should have proposed. Fake tears in Chris' eyes as he says there is much more to happen. NOT for me.
2. Arie asks none of the women to marry him. They go, "You suck! My mother was right about you."
3. Arie decides he is in love with Kendall or the theater major, even though they've been sent home to stuff dead pets/audition for Peter Pan.
4. Arie decides he would rather roll the dice on the paradise episodes and so we're back to #2 as he sends both ladies packing.
5. Another ex-boyfriend shows up and reveals that he's already engaged to Lauren or the other one.
6. I get bored and go to bed and we never find out what happens.
7. One of the women gets bitten by a llama and has to have a leg amputated, forcing Arie to choose her even though he'd rather have the two-legged woman.
Turns out Arie's dad is British-ish and/or his dentures are loose. Does dad have a speech impediment? No problem if he does. Is this Arie's sister or someone from the British bake-off show? Mom is definitely from Sweden or Germany and she has a different face on than she is supposed to have.
Next up is Becca K. She brings flowers and a basket of cash. Becca pretends to love him back, but she's really not into it. I bet that's how it ends. He asks one of the women to marry him and that woman (Lauren) says Naw. Then he goes to the other one, and asks her if she would be the consolation prize and then that person (Becca) says, I guess. Or rather, No.Mom tells Arie he should go for...Blank. They don't tell us. But I feel like she's picking Lauren because they're both blond (in theory). Becca says she and Lauren are so different, they're like apples and a starfish. I love that comparison. Does Becca consider herself an apple or a starfish?
Dan's mom is watching this with me and she would like to know how they can drag this out for three hours. I would like to know as well. Dad says he should pick Becca because she will kick his ass. I prefer Becca too because I feel like Lauren is spoiled. My only evidence of this is that she lives in a two-story colonial.
Smattering of applause from the live audience. Some woman from earlier in the episode is upset by the rumors but I don't know what she's talking about. I think what she's trying to say is that he doesn't know what love is. I don't understand what's going on.Date with Lauren at Machu Piccu. It just sunk in that this episode will go until 11. Guess what? I only go until 10. I have to finish a Fay Wheldon book I only sort of like. Arie is now thinking he's in love with Lauren because they had so much fun fake running through the pyramids and she looked so cute in denim. He tells her that he wants to have babies because he's 36. They are boring. I feel like these are two people who should be in an L.L. Bean catalog.
Lillian says she should be in the American Girl catalog.I missed the date with Becca because I took the dog out for a pee.
Things we could be doing besides watching this show:
1. Learning about the geopolitical history of Peru.
2. Reading a book by Fay Wheldon about life in the 1800s.
3. Self-grooming and care.
4. Studying shorthand to take better notes during meetings.
5. Starting a new Netflix series that is intelligent and has a murder or two in it.
6. Writing letters to people we haven't seen in ages.
7. Finding ways to fight global warming within our personal lives and throughout the neighborhood.
8. Taking off our bras.
9. Getting those crunchy things out of the dog's eyes.
10. Memorizing the meaning of tarot cards for upcoming parties and personal fulfillment.
11. Writing a poem, short story, novel, or limerick.
12. Reading out loud of our personal journals to some dude who could give a shit (as Becca is doing now).
13. Creating a collage of the four photos you have of the person you've been alone with a total of four times (as she is also doing).
14. Practicing kissing on the back of our hands like we used to do in middle school.
15. Researching that one puppeteer who used to make puppets out of his hand. What was his name? Marcel Marceau? No, Senor Wences.
Dan's mother is non-plussed by all of this and keeps getting up to play a game on her computer.
It's amazing how Lauren wakes up in full make-up. I'm the same way. Becca journals about it. She loves Arie so much that no collage could fully express her feelings. Lauren wears the same dress she had on at prom ten years ago made out of her mom's first chandelier.
Arie must choose a ring for the woman he is in love with--even though he hasn't made up his mind yet. Flip a coin. Product placement for a large Timex watch.
Dan's mom doesn't like that he wears his jacket short. "I noticed that," she said.
Well, here we are with only 85 or so minutes left and Lauren gets out of the limo first, but not really because they will edit it so that we also see Becca get out of her a limo. Oh, wait, no. Lauren gives a speech about how she never realized how great he was and how she thought she had love figured out and that the walls would protect her. Blah, blah, blah, and Arie looks sad and she has loved him all along. He says he can't pick her and he's so sorry. She stays cool. The llamas do not interfere. He is still confused. We wonder when we can go to bed.
Here comes Becca who is too smart for him. She should be glad when he decides he doesn't want her since I already know that's what he's going to do. She could be the next Bachelorette or maybe she could go get her Ph.D. and cure cancer.
Dan is home now and able to comment. He feels that Becca K. looks too much like she's Arie's sister. So, wait, he's going to propose to her but then go chase after Lauren? Like, WHAT? Dan says that Arie's saying, "I've loved you and then I realized your thighs are too big and you have cankles."
He gets down on one knee and presents her with a ring. She says that she will marry him and they kiss, but...He's going to change his mind? He gives her a rose and they drink champagne and she possibly quotes a line from Titanic. If he does change his mind and go back with Lauren, this will be my last bachelor blog post. No more semi-enjoying someone else's pain.
Scenes of them together, including brushing their teeth and playing chess. He goes to bed and thinks about Lauren and he wakes up and he thinks about Lauren. This is all happening within 24 hours? He feels like he made a mistake and he's going to call off the engagement. He has had a change of heart. This is the unedited part of the show. We will now have to watch him break up with her while she's super happy. My friend Kristine reminds me that this is not real and they are all actors. Or they all want to be actors. I wonder what it's like to watch this taped and fast-forward through the commercials. It must only really be 43 minutes long.
Now for the unedited part of the show. "It's Arie-zona," says Dan. We get to watch him break up with her unedited. Fantastic. I'm going to bed after this and I'm not watching this again. Becca is on guard. She got a tattoo on her hand for him? I hope not. He keeps saying how much he has enjoyed hanging out with her. She wants to know if he's fucking kidding her. The water is really loud in the background. Becca is pretty okay with it so far. She keeps swearing, but quietly. I would too. Just give him the ring and tell him to fuck off. The sound guy turned off the waterfall finally. She tells him that he never should have proposed. Fake tears in Chris' eyes as he says there is much more to happen. NOT for me.
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