Let the stupid begin
I promised in the last season of The Bachelor that I wouldn't ever, ever watch this show, let along blog about it. But the thing is that I am not blogging at all, because I'm doing some other writing that's not of general interest. So...that's my justification for tuning in. We'll see how this goes. I am noticing eyebrows right away and wondering why mine aren't more sculpted. Hi, Katelyn, you are altered. They all look the same. No one is slightly chubby, none of them have short haircuts, they all have these feathery extensions and long, fawn-like limbs. I promise you that this is all research for my some-day dissertation on gender differences in pop culture representations of romance.
To shame-facedly recap from last time, Ari proposed to Becca and then he changed his mind in the last episode and broke up with her ON LIVE TELEVISION, people. It was The Bachelor event of the century (per Chris Harrison). Three former Bachelorettes show up to sage the place up and get rid of the drunk vibes and frat boy energy that is definitely about to roll out.
This is the part where we get to know the men and I play on my phone. One guy is biracial and plays football. He can see himself engaged to her. Here's a dick from Reno who wants to make jokes and is probably selling something. He likes to fish, hike, and snowboard, anything that gets the heart rate going. Jordan is 26 and a professional model who is not HFTRR (here for the right reasons). He lets us know how hard it is to stay beautiful year round. He can see him and Becca on a couch looking at each other in mirrors. Another African American-ish gentleman who has been blessed and is happy to be here. We watch him exercise and admire his accent. Joe is from Chi-town, 31 and owns a grocery store that you have to "keep tight." I happen to like Chicago boys. Another black man. He is from Haiti and lets us know it is not a shithole (thanks, Trump). They're all trying to make jokes. He likes cologne. They classical music to show that he's classy. Subtlety is not a thing in this show. Colton is a white boy born on Super Bowl Sunday. Raspberry. He pulls out the emotion card by showboating his little cousin who has cystic fibrosis. Not into him. He has an old black lab though, who will not make it to the end of the first episode.
Limos are arriving, Cue dramatic music to prepare us for stupid antics. Out comes...Oh, I thought it was a guy in drag, but it's Becca in a long white dress. Chris Harrison wants to know if she's excited or terrified. It's always about the most obvious observations.
First guy out is Colton. He's brought an air gun to pop confetti. That's kind of sweet. He's happy that "they started it off with a bang." If only he would then recite the T.S. Eliot poem ("this is how the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper").
Next is Grant whose hair is tall. He's an electrician, very cute, dimpled, from Georgia, but has no accent. Curious. third guy is Clay, the awkward football player and I think he has a concussion. Next is Jean Blanc, who loves cologne. He wants to teach her French. Connor the fitness coach is next. He gets down on one knee, to tell her that he's opening his heart to her, and he wants to also know if she's ready to do the damn thing. Where is this phrase coming from. Is this from a meme I missed somewhere? She's not a girl, dude, she's a woman. Okay, here's Joe. He's a little rough around the edges, and he's sweating on his upper lip. He says he would marry her right now. John is next, and he might be partially Asian. He's a sweetheart, but may have Asberger's. Leo shows up with what he thinks are luscious locks but what I think are problems with maturity. Dan says he looks like a guy from a romance cover. Jordan has a stick up his ass and is a model. He's all high fashion, i.e., pocket hankie. Rickey is also wearing a shark skin suit. Alex has a nice smile. They're competing by ties. Nick has on a race car suit, but he takes it off immediately to reveal his awkwardness and lawyerlyness. I want to meet the guy who has to keep opening up the lim door Next guy comes with a life size pic of Ari. He also has a top knot. Mike has brought it to remind her of her failure.
For some reason, they let another guy drive his own mini van in. This is Garrett and he brought the mini van to show he will be a great dad and husband. He also has soccer balls and diapers. He's a dork, but maybe sweet? Or it's possible that his hair is parted on the wrong side.
Pee Wee Herman shows up riding a bull. Then we have Lincoln who brings her a giant slice of cake to share. He's the one with the great accent. Chase is a douche-bag who references himself in the third person right away. Ryan plays the banjo and of course I like him a lot because he's weird-ish. Only 17 more guys to go. Christon is a former Globe Trotter and no offense, but do all of the black men have to be athletes? Oh, okay, this next guy is black and a graphic designer. The guy from Seattle offers her a special handshake the ends with a hand kiss. Kamil tries to take control by telling her to meet him halfway. He's the mysterious social media participant (aka unemployed). She isn't into him because he's trying to take control. This is Jake from Minneapolis who must have reached out to her over Instagram or somewhere. I like that she says when she doesn't like someone.
Here's a guy in a hearse who jumps out and says, "When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I literally died." Hahaha, but that's the wrong use of the word literally. One guy doesn't wears a sock. The model is critical of what they're wearing, but I'm not opposed. Okay, guy in a chicken suit, going, Beckaw--he's a venture capitalist in a yellow chicken suit. He comes literally popping with puns. Yo, the bros love his costume!!! Except for the model. I am with the model.
What's so weird about the highly male dynamic vs. the highly female dynamic of the Bachelor is that the dudes bond immediately over coolness whereas the women are portrayed as polite and bitchy. This guy brought a full choir to sing to her. Model guy approves. As if he came up with this himself? Do they get to do that?
Now the competition for her attention begins. One brings claymation. The other pulls out the grandparents-have-been-happily-married-for-100-years story. The Globe Trotter shows her that he can twirl a ball on his fingers and do a hoop shot by jumping over her entire head and sinking a shot. He says he will always jump through hoops for her. The boys immediately try to out do each other with athleticism, except for the guy in the chicken suit who just keeps going, "Becck-ah!"
Now they are fighting for the first impression rose. Becca does a good job of remembering their names, which I could never manage to do. One of the guys gives her a bracelet and the other gives her a vibrator. The chicken dances and finally takes off his head. She likes his energy even though he runs a private equity firm. He can't stop making jokes that have to do with chickens though. The model says that "it is what it is." Kudos for him for only drinking coffee. Another guy teaches her how to fly fish in the pool. She likes that he gives her a fly fishing lure. That is romantic.
One guy wants to interrogate Chase to see if he's here for the right or the wrong reasons. For Christ's sake. None of them are. It's television. Chase tries to defend himself and to prove that he's just not here to promote his brand and his really large wolf-like teeth. He confesses that to Becca, which I guess is the right thing to do. There are about 500 candles in this room. It seems like a serious fire hazard and there is not even one fireman in the mix. This has raised a red flag for Becca plus something else he did earlier, but I don't know what that is.
She's now talking to Jake who runs in the same circles as she does in Minneapolis. He doesn't remember meeting her in earlier situations even though she does. That's a bad sign. She sends him home because she doesn't understand why he's there if he had the opportunity to meet and date prior to this televised event. Good call.
First impression rose goes to Garrett who showed up in the mini-van. They kiss. The other guys sweat it out.
First rose: Jean Blanc
Second rose: Slam dunk guy.
Third rose: Clay. this is the third black guy. This dude is boring.
Fourth rose: Will, fourth black guy.
Fifth rose: Connor, not sure about his hair.
Sixth rose: Jason who pushes everyone out of the way.
Seventh rose: John, I think he may have an earring.
Eighth rose: Ryan in the funky jacket.
Ninth: Alex.
Tenth: Nick the lawyer made out of ivory soap.
11th: Trent, swarthy.
12th rose: Colton.
13th: David in the chicken suit.
14th rose: Jordan, the model who calls himself eye candy.
15th rose: Leo with the fucking hair. Looks like he should model for romance covers.
16th: Mike with the hair bun.
Last rose: Please pick Joe. Please pick Joe. Please pick Joe. Please pick Joe. NO! She is sending home the Chicago guy. That sucks! He is so awesome.
What a mistake. The guys who are going home are super embarrassed, especially since they lost to a chicken. They all exit gracefully. No one got too drunk. She calls a toast and now we will be forced to watch previews of this unbelievable romantic adventure. I do not love her cross tattoo, but I will try to work with that. They all appear to be falling in love with her. There will be tears. Oh, look, there's a male version. Oh, wow, this looks like fun. There is always an ambulance, by the way.
To shame-facedly recap from last time, Ari proposed to Becca and then he changed his mind in the last episode and broke up with her ON LIVE TELEVISION, people. It was The Bachelor event of the century (per Chris Harrison). Three former Bachelorettes show up to sage the place up and get rid of the drunk vibes and frat boy energy that is definitely about to roll out.
Limos are arriving, Cue dramatic music to prepare us for stupid antics. Out comes...Oh, I thought it was a guy in drag, but it's Becca in a long white dress. Chris Harrison wants to know if she's excited or terrified. It's always about the most obvious observations.
First guy out is Colton. He's brought an air gun to pop confetti. That's kind of sweet. He's happy that "they started it off with a bang." If only he would then recite the T.S. Eliot poem ("this is how the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper").Next is Grant whose hair is tall. He's an electrician, very cute, dimpled, from Georgia, but has no accent. Curious. third guy is Clay, the awkward football player and I think he has a concussion. Next is Jean Blanc, who loves cologne. He wants to teach her French. Connor the fitness coach is next. He gets down on one knee, to tell her that he's opening his heart to her, and he wants to also know if she's ready to do the damn thing. Where is this phrase coming from. Is this from a meme I missed somewhere? She's not a girl, dude, she's a woman. Okay, here's Joe. He's a little rough around the edges, and he's sweating on his upper lip. He says he would marry her right now. John is next, and he might be partially Asian. He's a sweetheart, but may have Asberger's. Leo shows up with what he thinks are luscious locks but what I think are problems with maturity. Dan says he looks like a guy from a romance cover. Jordan has a stick up his ass and is a model. He's all high fashion, i.e., pocket hankie. Rickey is also wearing a shark skin suit. Alex has a nice smile. They're competing by ties. Nick has on a race car suit, but he takes it off immediately to reveal his awkwardness and lawyerlyness. I want to meet the guy who has to keep opening up the lim door Next guy comes with a life size pic of Ari. He also has a top knot. Mike has brought it to remind her of her failure.
For some reason, they let another guy drive his own mini van in. This is Garrett and he brought the mini van to show he will be a great dad and husband. He also has soccer balls and diapers. He's a dork, but maybe sweet? Or it's possible that his hair is parted on the wrong side.
Pee Wee Herman shows up riding a bull. Then we have Lincoln who brings her a giant slice of cake to share. He's the one with the great accent. Chase is a douche-bag who references himself in the third person right away. Ryan plays the banjo and of course I like him a lot because he's weird-ish. Only 17 more guys to go. Christon is a former Globe Trotter and no offense, but do all of the black men have to be athletes? Oh, okay, this next guy is black and a graphic designer. The guy from Seattle offers her a special handshake the ends with a hand kiss. Kamil tries to take control by telling her to meet him halfway. He's the mysterious social media participant (aka unemployed). She isn't into him because he's trying to take control. This is Jake from Minneapolis who must have reached out to her over Instagram or somewhere. I like that she says when she doesn't like someone.
Here's a guy in a hearse who jumps out and says, "When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I literally died." Hahaha, but that's the wrong use of the word literally. One guy doesn't wears a sock. The model is critical of what they're wearing, but I'm not opposed. Okay, guy in a chicken suit, going, Beckaw--he's a venture capitalist in a yellow chicken suit. He comes literally popping with puns. Yo, the bros love his costume!!! Except for the model. I am with the model.
What's so weird about the highly male dynamic vs. the highly female dynamic of the Bachelor is that the dudes bond immediately over coolness whereas the women are portrayed as polite and bitchy. This guy brought a full choir to sing to her. Model guy approves. As if he came up with this himself? Do they get to do that?
Now the competition for her attention begins. One brings claymation. The other pulls out the grandparents-have-been-happily-married-for-100-years story. The Globe Trotter shows her that he can twirl a ball on his fingers and do a hoop shot by jumping over her entire head and sinking a shot. He says he will always jump through hoops for her. The boys immediately try to out do each other with athleticism, except for the guy in the chicken suit who just keeps going, "Becck-ah!"
Now they are fighting for the first impression rose. Becca does a good job of remembering their names, which I could never manage to do. One of the guys gives her a bracelet and the other gives her a vibrator. The chicken dances and finally takes off his head. She likes his energy even though he runs a private equity firm. He can't stop making jokes that have to do with chickens though. The model says that "it is what it is." Kudos for him for only drinking coffee. Another guy teaches her how to fly fish in the pool. She likes that he gives her a fly fishing lure. That is romantic.
One guy wants to interrogate Chase to see if he's here for the right or the wrong reasons. For Christ's sake. None of them are. It's television. Chase tries to defend himself and to prove that he's just not here to promote his brand and his really large wolf-like teeth. He confesses that to Becca, which I guess is the right thing to do. There are about 500 candles in this room. It seems like a serious fire hazard and there is not even one fireman in the mix. This has raised a red flag for Becca plus something else he did earlier, but I don't know what that is.She's now talking to Jake who runs in the same circles as she does in Minneapolis. He doesn't remember meeting her in earlier situations even though she does. That's a bad sign. She sends him home because she doesn't understand why he's there if he had the opportunity to meet and date prior to this televised event. Good call.
First impression rose goes to Garrett who showed up in the mini-van. They kiss. The other guys sweat it out.
First rose: Jean Blanc
Second rose: Slam dunk guy.
Third rose: Clay. this is the third black guy. This dude is boring.
Fourth rose: Will, fourth black guy.
Fifth rose: Connor, not sure about his hair.
Sixth rose: Jason who pushes everyone out of the way.
Seventh rose: John, I think he may have an earring.
Eighth rose: Ryan in the funky jacket.
Ninth: Alex.
Tenth: Nick the lawyer made out of ivory soap.
11th: Trent, swarthy.
12th rose: Colton.
13th: David in the chicken suit.
14th rose: Jordan, the model who calls himself eye candy.
15th rose: Leo with the fucking hair. Looks like he should model for romance covers.
16th: Mike with the hair bun.
Last rose: Please pick Joe. Please pick Joe. Please pick Joe. Please pick Joe. NO! She is sending home the Chicago guy. That sucks! He is so awesome.
What a mistake. The guys who are going home are super embarrassed, especially since they lost to a chicken. They all exit gracefully. No one got too drunk. She calls a toast and now we will be forced to watch previews of this unbelievable romantic adventure. I do not love her cross tattoo, but I will try to work with that. They all appear to be falling in love with her. There will be tears. Oh, look, there's a male version. Oh, wow, this looks like fun. There is always an ambulance, by the way.
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