As if
This is the episode where they pretend there's even a tiny speck of dust of doubt that they might not go to the fantasy suite. They always say yes.
First date goes to Kendall, the taxidermist who is too weird for him, and who I like. Their fantasy suite is being held in a tiki hut that she made out of birds nests. Kendall is not sure how to take the next step with Arie. She wants him to see her for her, not her for stuffing dead animals. She wears a red knitted pantsuit made out of the pelts of rare crimson aardvarks. He says he's never dated a girl who plays the ukulele or who has skinned and mounted raccoons on corkboard. I feel like she's going home. Will Kendall be the first person to reject the sex card???? Uh...No, come on, people, have you never seen this show? Have I mentioned that I am not a fan of audible kisses that actually sound like the word "smooch?"
Kendall is incredibly lovely. She has that all American blond good cheerleader looks, like she should be on a box of cereal from the 1950s. They both say they are falling in love with each other, but I feel like he's going to say that to all of the women in Peru.
Lauren always jumps up on him to illustrate how petite she is. They go up into a plane and have nothing to say to one another. Lauren says she's afraid to get to know him more because she is falling in love with him and she doesn't want to be too hopeful. We can barely hear her over the chatter of the people around them. She says that she needs to be the only girl that he sees. Arie feels like they're losing time by him having to reassure her every second. I feel like she should consider herself a woman rather than a girl.
Arie most definitively tells Lauren that he's deeply in love with her. Okay, show over, right? Nope, usually this means they are misdirecting the audience because it would otherwise be too easy. Lauren reads the fantasy suite card like someone who is being given a death sentence. However, she will absolutely accept this opportunity to maybe have sex with him. I mean, is that what we're supposed to assume? That he's more than just sleeping with all of these women. Arie has what I would call a low chuckle that I don't like so much because it's one hair away from a cackle. Does this mean she's the one whose ex-boyfriend shows up, somehow having been given the super secret fantasy suite address? That must be the next move because otherwise, curtain should fall.
He holds Beckah in the same way that he holds every other woman, cradling her head in a boat as the waves crash prophetically in the background. They are surrounded by giant pillows. She will not make it. How does the one woman who gets proposed to at the end feel about seeing these scenes with him making out and professing his desire for two other people?
Evening falls and Arie brings Beckah to a giant white mosquito-netting type tent that you might find at Pier 1. Arie gulps red wine to cover up his lack of interest. We hear what sounds like birds or cicadas or birds eating cicadas in the background. Is it day or night? One never can be sure. Beckah seems like she could be a very good friend that you might take camping or to a burlesque show. She is wearing a black choker around her neck, which reminds me of that horror story where when the woman's ribbon is removed, her head falls off and rolls across the floor. He tells her that he is love with her too, because she is so perfect. Another lie?
Does it turn out that Beckah is the one with the football player ex? Oh, yes. Not that it matters since he wasn't going to keep her around anyway. The football player sits down with Arie and says that he's in love with B. and wants to marry her. He too calls her a girl. Though he's rushed to Peru, he still looks spotless and says that he would've swam there if he had to find the love his life and come here to get her because she's the one for him. Arie coolly takes a sip of coffee. At least they don't seem to be ready to chest bump or fight. Arie says he can't speak for Beckah's feelings. Chad (?) dated her for seven years and he just knows what he feels in his heart and he's going to get her. As if she were a possession of some kind. Arie is angry and upset and can't decide if the guy has :huge fucking balls" or is crazy. Chad brings flowers and is sweating through his power suit.
Beckah opens the door to Chad, pretending to be surprised even though this whole thing was staged. He hands her flowers saying, "These are your flowers. I know we had our ups and downs and plenty of set backs, but you've been on my mind every single day that you've been away. I wanted you to get to the place you wanted to be at. My intention was to win your heart back and let you know that nothing could stop me from getting you and loving you. I wanted to marry you. I came here for us and I thought that, you know, I just wanted to win you back." Etc., etc., whatever the producers told him to say or some version thereof. "You have a heart of gold and the soul of a saint." She tries to speak and he keeps interrupting her.
They drag this out, I guess because there's nothing much else going on in this show. She says, "It ended for a reason." He immediately caves, saying, "I wish you guys the best. I have no business being here."Even though he got that new suit from Jos A. Banks and everything. Cue dramatic music.
She goes to talk to Arie and now Arie wants to know if there was anything that is still existing between the two of them. I am bored.
Final rose ceremony. Delicate Lauren with the colonial house wears a red dress from Talbot's. Beckah wears a wedding gown. Kendall spends 15 minutes putting in shell earrings and dons a black dress with her hair in wavy curls. The women stand together, hands clasped demurely in front of their bodies. A horse whinnies in the background and the bells of St. Mary chime. The horse then shits on the cobblestones. The roses sit on a barrel.
He must talk to Kendall one more time. He pulls her aside and explains how they had an amazing night together but he still doesn't know. She says that it sucks because she really cares a lot for him and has already stuffed two dead penguins that look identical to both of them. I guess this is where he's going to break up with her. He is gently sending her home. The other two women get roses even though we know he's going to pick Lauren.
Oh, no, next week is three flipping hours long. Take your vitamins and get ready.
Kendall is incredibly lovely. She has that all American blond good cheerleader looks, like she should be on a box of cereal from the 1950s. They both say they are falling in love with each other, but I feel like he's going to say that to all of the women in Peru.Lauren always jumps up on him to illustrate how petite she is. They go up into a plane and have nothing to say to one another. Lauren says she's afraid to get to know him more because she is falling in love with him and she doesn't want to be too hopeful. We can barely hear her over the chatter of the people around them. She says that she needs to be the only girl that he sees. Arie feels like they're losing time by him having to reassure her every second. I feel like she should consider herself a woman rather than a girl.
Arie most definitively tells Lauren that he's deeply in love with her. Okay, show over, right? Nope, usually this means they are misdirecting the audience because it would otherwise be too easy. Lauren reads the fantasy suite card like someone who is being given a death sentence. However, she will absolutely accept this opportunity to maybe have sex with him. I mean, is that what we're supposed to assume? That he's more than just sleeping with all of these women. Arie has what I would call a low chuckle that I don't like so much because it's one hair away from a cackle. Does this mean she's the one whose ex-boyfriend shows up, somehow having been given the super secret fantasy suite address? That must be the next move because otherwise, curtain should fall.
He holds Beckah in the same way that he holds every other woman, cradling her head in a boat as the waves crash prophetically in the background. They are surrounded by giant pillows. She will not make it. How does the one woman who gets proposed to at the end feel about seeing these scenes with him making out and professing his desire for two other people?Evening falls and Arie brings Beckah to a giant white mosquito-netting type tent that you might find at Pier 1. Arie gulps red wine to cover up his lack of interest. We hear what sounds like birds or cicadas or birds eating cicadas in the background. Is it day or night? One never can be sure. Beckah seems like she could be a very good friend that you might take camping or to a burlesque show. She is wearing a black choker around her neck, which reminds me of that horror story where when the woman's ribbon is removed, her head falls off and rolls across the floor. He tells her that he is love with her too, because she is so perfect. Another lie?
Beckah opens the door to Chad, pretending to be surprised even though this whole thing was staged. He hands her flowers saying, "These are your flowers. I know we had our ups and downs and plenty of set backs, but you've been on my mind every single day that you've been away. I wanted you to get to the place you wanted to be at. My intention was to win your heart back and let you know that nothing could stop me from getting you and loving you. I wanted to marry you. I came here for us and I thought that, you know, I just wanted to win you back." Etc., etc., whatever the producers told him to say or some version thereof. "You have a heart of gold and the soul of a saint." She tries to speak and he keeps interrupting her.
They drag this out, I guess because there's nothing much else going on in this show. She says, "It ended for a reason." He immediately caves, saying, "I wish you guys the best. I have no business being here."Even though he got that new suit from Jos A. Banks and everything. Cue dramatic music.
She goes to talk to Arie and now Arie wants to know if there was anything that is still existing between the two of them. I am bored.
Final rose ceremony. Delicate Lauren with the colonial house wears a red dress from Talbot's. Beckah wears a wedding gown. Kendall spends 15 minutes putting in shell earrings and dons a black dress with her hair in wavy curls. The women stand together, hands clasped demurely in front of their bodies. A horse whinnies in the background and the bells of St. Mary chime. The horse then shits on the cobblestones. The roses sit on a barrel.He must talk to Kendall one more time. He pulls her aside and explains how they had an amazing night together but he still doesn't know. She says that it sucks because she really cares a lot for him and has already stuffed two dead penguins that look identical to both of them. I guess this is where he's going to break up with her. He is gently sending her home. The other two women get roses even though we know he's going to pick Lauren.
Oh, no, next week is three flipping hours long. Take your vitamins and get ready.
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