Hometown Hype

I missed last week because I couldn't be bothered. I heard the theater major went home, and I'm sure two to three sincere tears were shed, just like when she had to play Laura in the high school version of The Glass Menagerie. I wish her well. I can't wait to see what Weiner, Arkansas is like. Who will have a jealous older sister? Which mom will have had the most work done? Does Kendall have a twin sister like in Sweet Valley High? Why did I just now notice that Arie has an arm tattoo that looks like the license plate of the first car he raced?

Kendall is first. He cradles her head to his head as if she were a baby. She takes him to her taxidermy/serial killer barn. She killed so many lizards and turtles and worn down bobcats. (She is not going to make it to the fantasy suite. She brings him to a romantic date where they stuff the skinned body of white rats. Who doesn't love that? I can't tell you how many times I've fallen in love over the carcass of a dead animal. It's the only reason I took AP anatomy.

Dan is worried they will see her mom embalmed and wearing a dress from the Little House on the Prairie days, perhaps propped up against a butter churn or a machete.

Kendall's family has a cute dog with spots on it (unstuffed so far). Kendall's evil twin sister is named Kylie and she straightens her hair. Dad and mom also look like brother and sister. Mom is concerned and so takes her daughter into what looks like a sorcerer's closet. Arie is left alone with the other weirdo sirnees. ster who talks about how there is a little extra space between their two auras. She is IDENTICAL to Kendall. She is sitting on their dead stuffed Great Pyrenees.

Dad says that he wouldn't give Arie his permission to propose to him. Ugh, does he need to ask dad's permission? In the sorcerer's closet, the sister (who seems a lot like Krystal in this moment), is creating doubt in her sister's soul. I'm sorry to all of the identical twins in the world, but twins who have the same voice, mole, skin, hair, eyes, eyebrows, teeth are slightly creepy. I believe that Arie is totally out of his element. He is surrounded by totem poles.

Welcome to Weiner, Arkansas, population 790, zero black people. I will probably dislike Tia's family the most. I'm prejudiced against white Southern families. I assume they all voted for Trump and that they may have Confederate flag in the front yard. This scene is entitled, Arie Meets the Republican Base. They serve pigs in blankets and beer. Mom has long hair, possibly the same haircut she's had since she was in high school. These are all stereotypes I am/they are reinforcing.  Tia's brother says she's dated some guys that wasn't so great. I bet Arie and Arie's brother could find tons of things in common. Dad has decided to rock a flavor saver but he has beautiful smooth skin like a baby. I kind of feel bad for these families. They're ordinary people thrust into the limelight. Dad might be a musician. Mom...She's in a Mama's and Papa's revival band. Tia has a potty mouth. I find it amazing how he is as into each and every woman that he spends time with. Equally. It's disconcerting.

Third hometown date in Minnesota with the other Becca, the dark horse, the one we didn't see coming. She takes him apple-picking and candy apple eating. She seems the most normal so he won't pick her in the end. Look out for the crazy uncle with the cane from Acme.  I wonder if the Bachelor producer people come and fix up their house and get rid of all of the extra crap. Oh, I think Mom is blind in one eye. All of the human frailty. Crazy Uncle Gary takes him aside to go into the room with the duck carvings. Arie gets all choked up and so does the Uncle. Dad had a brain tumor. Arie admits that he's not spiritually as far along as Becca is but that he would go to church if necessary. Mom asks Arie what he thinks makes relationships work. He skillfully refers to his parent's long-time marriage. Mom says she would let her daughter make up her own mind. This is the least weird family. Candles are always everywhere in this show.

Last hometown date with Miss Lauren whose family lives in a colonial. Wasn't Lauren on Laguna Beach? She takes him horseback riding on the beach. He finds it to "super cool." Lauren warns him that her family might be kind of skeptical. Arie is getting a nervous rash on his neck. They sit in a fairly formal living room where everyone is super square and wasp-ish.  Dad asks if he's ever been around a military family and also, does he play golf? No to both. Dad takes Arie to the back yard to grill him by the fire pit. Arie says he's grateful for the dad's military service. He impressed dad with his trip to Iraq. Dad leans in. They clink glasses. It was that easy. He's a chameleon. Now, beautiful Mom with the skeptical mouth takes her turn. She gives him side eye and asks him if he's being sincere. He will win her over. They are almost the same age. The daughter and mom confer on mom's bed. Lauren is a princess. Granny really didn't get any TV time.

Cocktail party. Becca or Kendall will go home. None of them really love him. Kendall is too weird for him, but I like her.  We see that Tia has an owl tattoo on her back. Lauren believes they are connected on a different level. Dan thinks she will go home. I'm pretty sure it's Kendall because they stuffed rats together. The producers know they need to draw this out for 20 minutes so.....................................................What the hell will they do? Oh, okay, he pulls Kendall aside to stretch it out.  He asks Kendall if she can get engaged at the end of this process. All she has to say is yes.  Instead, she says that she sees so much in him that she could see it working out but she needs to get to know him better. He is forcing her to say all of the reasons that she wants to stay. Okay, back to the ceremony.

First rose goes to Becca. Surprise?
Second rose goes to Lauren.
Third rose goes to...Chris says, Gentlemen, it has come down to who has the best nose. Dan thinks it has to be Tia going home. Rose goes to Kendall.
Tia is going back to Weiner. She did not expect it. She wants to know what went wrong. He doesn't tell her that it was her scary brother and the weiner dogs. Because I'm sure class does play into it a bit, right? Even though he's a race car driver.

Next week, we have to watch The Women Tell All. Arie's romantic journey continues in romantic Peru. It's all fantasy suite dates. Some ex-boyfriend shows up. It has to be Becca's.