But Call Me Betsy

Three dental hygienists/entrepreneurs/software tuners in search of true love. Let's start with twenty minutes of recaps so that we can be reminded of who is who and be made to feel like they've gone on fifty first dates instead of two twenty minute interactions on the beach. As an aside, don't you just bet that there's a S & M movie out there called Fifty Fist Dates ? I am afraid to Google it. Hey, I forgot that JoJo showed up in a unicorn mask. You're right, producers, that changes everything. This is the fantasy suite episode, where they get to choose whether or not they will spend all night together in the Holiday Inn Deluxe in Jamaica. The suspense factor is zero, because no one in the history of The Bachelor/ette has ever turned down an overnight date card. I did not fact check that statement, but I'm fairly certain I'm right. First over night date with Caila who he describes as bubbly and exuberant (difference being?). First, they take a quie...

Hometown dates. First hometown is with the baby voice woman who has a shoulder disability that disallows her from wearing shirts that touch her shoulders. Doctors orders: all shirts must fall off her arms. I've diagnosed eczema. Her two little girls arrive, also wearing shirts that fall off their shoulders. They wear matching pink cardigans, ponytails and lace up sandals favored by the Kardashians. One daughter goes, "Is that Daddy? Where Daddy go?"  Ben awkwardly plays with the little girls, picking one of them up by her ponytail. This is a serious reality check for him. "Are you the new daddy?" "I don't know, honey. I haven't given her a rose yet. Let's see what she's made me for dinner." They drive back from the beach and the littlest baby cries and cries. Amanda's milk comes in. She lives with her parents? Ben brings a house-warming gift of a paper mache balloon. Ben follows her upstairs to put the baby to bed. The...

We are dismayed to learn that Ben drives a huge, gas-guzzling red truck. We are in his hometown of Warsaw, Poland. Seven women left, though Emily (the twin) is a pity keep. He says that this town is where he had most of his firsts. First communion, first high school date, first kiss, first... Ben's dad is a silver fox. Lauren gets the first one-on-one date. I can't tell if they are in his house or in a Holiday Inn Suite. He confesses to Lauren that he was the quarterback of his high school football team and got his first kiss from a girl in the seventh grade. He was in the 12th grade at the time. Ben takes Lauren to this place where he was a youth counselor. None of the kids remember him since it was so long ago that he volunteered to add the experience to his college application. Ben favors v-neck T-shirts. Two dudes from the Indiana Pacers show up to play basketball with the kids. Is this a fun date? No matter what Lauren does, she looks like a porn star, even w...

Did you guys watch the Puppy Bowl last night? If not, you missed a bunch of cute little pups going for squeeze toys, not unlike these ladies, who are chasing after Ben with his fuzzy yet gelled hair. This is a continuation, remember, as Ben has called a halt to the rose ceremony so he can have a serious discussion with Olivia about why the other women hate her. She says she's different because she doesn't want to do the other girls' nails and braid their hair. "I like to read books and do things like 'think,' so I guess I don't fit it."  Ben gives an impassioned plea about how it's time for him to get serious and give out these fake roses. The twin just flashed her underwear. She hates Olivia so much. Everyone else I know loves Becca, but I find Becca to be mannequin-ish and mannish. Olivia tells the cameraman  that the other women are jealous of her because she has a rose and is not going anywhere and so they can all just "suck it." ...

Eek!! They're in Mexico! In a resort called the Four Seasons! They will never have to see any barefoot children unless they're streaking by on a moped. The one-on-one date goes to Amanda, mother of two, with the baby voice to beat the band. They go up in a hot air balloon and her helium-voice powers the balloon into the air. She favors blouses that barely cover her chest. Oh, okay, they're are going to an intimate dinner in a hotel lobby. She wears a black bath towel. I am certain that if he rubbed a handkerchief on her cheek, it would come away with one-inch of foundation on it. She is admitting to Ben that her ex-husband was a cheater. "It was like, he was like, I would like, look at his, like phone? And there was all of these like ex girlfriends and like, you know, it was like, what? And I said like, What, like, gives?" He hands her a rose and she gives him a hug and a smoochy kiss. "Let's see where this can go." Up, up and away!   The ...