Mime This (Add Obscene Hand Gesture)

Chris wears a turtleneck to France, because, hey, that's what the French do, I guess. For her own part, Andi wears a super short skirt made out of a Hefty garbage bag. Someone is stoked to have one on one time with Andi--I guess it's the pro ball player? Here's a new thing where they force The Bachelorette to do a hair commercial and she illustrates how she will never be an actress.

I missed some of the story because we were frosting cupcakes for Luke's class tomorrow. That's a first for me. Dan tried to hide the extra frosting from me, but guess what, I went ahead and dug it out of the garbage, because I have no pride.

Tension at the house as Andrew called the black guy a black guy. I feel like I missed something  significant. He's saying how much it sucks to be seen as the token black guy, and to be judged not by who he is as a total person, but as a person of color. First time ever The Bachelorette has directly confronted any racial tension on the show.

First One on One

Josh M. has shaved for his date with Andi at this palace that I should probably recognize as a key landmark of France. The Louvre? If it's not the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower, I have no idea what it is. That's how
colloquial and ignorant I am. Andi hopes to have a deep conversation with Josh under the watchful eyes of 100 naked marble statues. Or wait, are they sitting in a studio? I'm not listening to her blather. Josh is trying to explain how he too is discriminated against for being a ball player and how people think white male athletes are players despite all the evidence to the contrary. And then he grabs his crotch and spits onto the face of a statue, which does not help his case. His story about his girlfriend kissing another guy really does seem to equal out to the black guy feeling judged and assessed because of the color of his skin for the rest of his life. They kiss, loudly.  She gives his a rose and they dance to this supposedly famous guitarist who I've never heard of before.

Group Date

They are walking through the streets of France, on their way to another stereotype, the French mime. Marseilles Marceau, if you will. So dumb. I'm sure that miming is an art, but it's not really an art that I think anyone should learn. They have to make total fools out of themselves in public by wearing stripped shirts, berets, suspenders, and following a guy with a whistle. Oh, dear. Why does every show involve a stupid public performance? Like, what does that teach her about them at all. Cody again looks like a Kewpie doll, except for now, he is a Kewpie dolls dressed as a mime.

Nick is pouting because he's not really into the group date thing and trying to get Andi's attention. Later, they all gang up on Nick because Andi likes him the best. This is all fake, by the way. Andi wears another tiny skirt, this one is a tiny sparkly postage stamp. They have done her hair into a Brigette Bardot ponytail. Cody has just snorted some Coke and is acting crazy toward Nick. Veins are popping out on every surface of his face and thick neck. Andi again sounds like she has pneumonia. GOD, get rid of Cody. Omigod, if she is a jerk to him, I will stop watching this show. I like him, probably because he seems like a sensitive writer guy. Oh, wait, he just read something he wrote, and I am wrong. At least it didn't rhyme. Man, I have to start writing again. I can't be wasting my time watching this crap.  All the guys make their pitches for her attention, mostly by stroking her long, horsey-like hair.

Marquel confronts that guy who doesn't shave for calling him a black guy and the guy denies it. I don't know who to believe anymore. Andrew tells Andi that Marquel said something to him, and Andi seems irritated that he isn't more into her. She just really does not know what to do with the rose.  She gives it to the very wide-shouldered JJ who has a wispy clump of forelock, also like a horse.

One on One Date, Part II


The coach gets cheated on his date by being forced to take part in a product placement for a French movie, perhaps the price the country demanded for allowing them to film there. Next, they go to the market to pick out ingredients such as sea urchins which they are forced to eat live. Bryan vomits into his sleeve, and then they next go to kill some frogs for their legs. Yawn. Bryan doesn't know how to cook, and Andi finds him to be stand offish. Little does Andi know that he's been poisoned by a bad urchin. Not a sea urchin, but a street urchin wearing a little fez.  I don't really know what it is that she wants from him, but the dinner is a major fail, and so they go out to dinner. He's like a deer in headlights as she waits for him to figure out how to be aggressive. Does she want him to sweep the dishes off the table and try to have sex with her on the street. He leans over to kiss her, while also making sure the kisses are loud enough to be heard from the street. He's sort of cute and normal, but maybe they are just not attracted to one another, despite the loud kisses. Can they ever get any time alone with no cameras. He gets the rose, and decides to break a window and steal her a diamond frog necklace. Or rather, he sneaks into this kitchen and makes out with her using the hands all over the face technique that we've all come to expect.

Cocktail Party Cancelled in Hopes of Making Something Interesting Happen

We've been prepped by 16 previews to expect that Andi is going to go ahead and send ten guys home just for the hell of it. Fingers crossed that one of them is Cody. Chris Harrison says that Andi has decided to go ahead and cut only three of them. Cody feels like tonight was going to be a big night for him, as he was going to show her how much he can bench press. Come on, get to it. Patrick, you're going home.

More product placement as the new dumbest audience participation show is premiered. People who vote get to see their faces on the screen, and so far, it  looks like about 50 percent of the voters are Mom's living in Montana. I will not be live blogging Bachelor in Paradise, don't worry.

Okay, let's get to it. Who is going home, for God's sake. I also like Chris the farmer, even though I don't believe for a second that he's a farmer. All the guys with bow ties are safe tonight.

Andi arrives with her hair done like a brunette Marie Antoinette. Roses go to Marcus, Nick, Chris, the farmer, Dylan who needs a haircut, and................................................................................................................CODY. She is high. The ellipses, by the way, represent how long the show paused before she made this dumb decision. He must have to stick around to beat someone up on the next episode.

Going home:

Andrew, who was on the receiving end of male aggression, he says. I agree, actually.

Patrick, because he wears his hair like Clark Kent. He doesn't cry, because he is made of steel and she is not Kryptonite. Good for him.

Marquel, the black guy. He says not getting chosen wasn't in God's plan. I would argue that it was not in Andi's plan, ever, as much as she wanted to pretend that she was open to it. I like him, and it's a shame that he had to be the guy who was required to represent his entire race, even though they have never once had a black person make it to even the final six.

Previews for next week that I will not detail for you, because it features stupid Cody. Dressed as an Italian Kewpie doll.

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