Monday, June 2, 2014

Wherein Basketballs are Thrown

Cody wears too many bracelets, and works out for 15 hours a day.

The Pity Rose

I missed the beginning and so do not understand why Andi is having dinner in a caboose, though I suspect that I wouldn't understand it even if I had watched it from the start.  The accountant is spilling his guts. He has some kind of secret--oh, his sister overdosed which had something to do with him not having a dad. I don't know if she died, but then the other brother overdosed, and then the third brother fell off a train, so this caboose is really stirring up bad memories. Andi again feigns empathy. I wonder if the brain dead brother became an organ donor?  "Crazy!" is Andi's comment. Is it manipulative to bring up your biggest tragedies when you barely know the person? This is fifth date material, if ever. "I yam who I yam because of these overdoses," he says, taking a long swig of wine. Andi blows her nose into a napkin, not because she's sad, but because of the aforementioned perpetually stuffy nose. She keeps saying it's not a pity rose, even though it clearly is. Could she really be like, "Aw, that's so sad. Well, goodnight!"

Group Date: Basketball

You might think that the baseball player would be excited about the group date to play sports, but you'd be wrong. Oh, there is another guy who likes this focus--he's actually a basketball coach. And the shortest guy in the group, though people kindly don't point this out. Little do they know that they're going to be playing the WMBA players. All Star female basketball players. Are the producers trying to somehow have a feminist perspective in some way? Oh, wait, no, I wrote to soon. It quickly devolves into some weird sports competition between the two all male teams so that Andi can pick the most athletic guy to help her procreate. The losing team is practically crying in their sweaty gym clothes. Do they really give a shit? Or is it a competition thing, that they're depressed because they didn't win? The winning team is in the adjoining locker room, repeating, Rosebud, Rosebud, while spraying champagne everywhere.Here is where I resist making a comment about the weird visual this creates.

Group Date Asides: The Free Throw


The six winning guys get to go to Planet Hollywood with Andi to drink beer and sit awkwardly around a round table. Cutest guy is Marquel, the black dude. First aside is Eric, the one who dies. Andi feels that they are stalling. Eric feels the same way, he thinks, but he's not right. He thinks that he understands what she's saying, and launches into a story about his brothers and growing up Mormon. She is surprised by this, as am I. And I start to wonder, Why does he continue to wear the long underwear then? Brian, the short bb player, wants to show her how great he is at the free throw. He asks her to take off her heels. She does. He gives her one lesson and she makes a basket. He says that he loves scoring points, but more than that, he loves her in basketball shorts. Hubba-hubba. He made the half court shot, which I guess is a hard to do. He refuses to kiss her, even though she pretty much begs him to. Nick loves her the most. He's like this dorky cute guy who looks like he must play Death Cab covers on the weekends in a band with his college friends. The rose goes to shy basketball guy who is more comfortable high-fiving than kissing.

Single Date:Window Washing

Andi and some guy are being forced to rappel down a glass building and wash windows. I guess this is to bond the two of them while they are risking their lives. Suave--the guy manages to give her a compliment as they are going and scores a kiss for that while the other guys tap on the window from inside, trying to get them to fall to their deaths. Who comes up with this crap I can't tell who the guy is. Marcus someone. I feel like I've never seen him yet.  She gives him a rose, even though he's covered it up with a napkin. They are forced to awkwardly dance to a bad country music band and he keeps trying to talk over the music.

Cocktail Party

Andi is so amazed at how amazed she is by everyone and how she could marry like 90 percent of the guys if they asked her tomorrow. Someone must be about to get drunk and jump in the pool again. She gets a love note from a secret admirer with very nice slanted handwriting. The basketball player who reminds me of that guy from Mad TV decides that he must be assertive and kiss her and so he does. It's pretty anticlimatic.

Marquel cracks her up, she says.  I have yet to see him do anything funny. He decides to show her how to protect herself by forcing her to put him in a head lock. He puts a pillow on his lap as if he's afraid she will try to sit on his lap, which is not an impossibility. Eric now takes her aside because he woke up earlier feeling sick because he got the vibe that they were not hitting it off, basically because she told him so. He turns it around on her by saying that he feels like she's being a little bit like a TV actress. Way to call it, Eric! Finally. Someone calling someone else out for being phony on a totally fake TV show. She will likely not like this too much, but we have to wait until after the commercial to find out. We have returned, and she hates him. She is crying because she doesn't like being called a Poker Face. Does he not know how much she abhors Lady GAGA?! She tells him to get lost, not knowing that she is sending him to his death.Ya'll, this is so real to her. I wonder if she feels bad now, since maybe if she had kept him on a little longer...I am wondering now if maybe they should've bagged this whole show, knowing that this guy would not be alive for much longer? Any discussion about that? Oh, yes, Chris explains that Eric died shortly after he left the show. There will be no rose ceremony this time. That's medium redeemable. Chris asks Andi if she feels bad about telling Eric to go screw himself and then he died. She says, Uh, yeah.


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