Monday, May 26, 2014

One or None of These Men Could Not Be Her Husband

I don't know why the producers of this season hate Andi so much, having given her the biggest group of doofuses that have ever been on the show. Quick examples: knit cap in April, the Gold's Gym worker with the Dippety Doo hair style, no on owning a razor.

First date goes to Eric, who died later in supposedly unrelated para-sailing accident. It will be impossible to comment on this date in any kind of snarky way without sounding like a total jerk They are making sand angels and he did say, "I feel like we've already known each other for months already..." CBS has sent a helicopter for them to ride in and no pilot appears to be present. What if that was your job? The helicopter driver for The Bachelorette. Would that be depressing, or, if you were like me, would you bring it up in conversation whenever possible?


They go from sand angels to snow
boarding and Andi is way better at it than I would be, which means that she sucks. I am not saying anything about his eyes being really close together. They drink hot chocolate while sitting on an giant orange sled, which is foreshadowing for them going down the mountain together and that's also not how he died, but did this show, with all of its fake risk-taking, inspire him to go on the para-sailing adventure that would lead to his death? Like, before this show, was he timid-ish and the show inspired him to take chances, leading to him hitting the side of a mountain? On the other hand, his job title is "explorer," so this is probably not the case.

At their romantic date on Bear Mountain, Eric tells a story about how he watched a bunch of people get killed in Syria and had to hide from some men with grenades. Way to set the mood for a kiss. Andi makes a sad face with her mouth turned down to show that she is listening. Will she have a cold this whole season or does she always sound like she has post nasal drip? Eric describes how he wrote a text to his parents telling them that he loved them and then he also didn't get killed. That time. Andi has only been to Vegas and so she can't really relate. His goal is to travel to every single country, but his biggest goal in life is to have a family. And to get another peluka bracelet. She gives him a rose and then they go to the fireplace and roast marshmallows on a huge three pronged instrument with really sharp points. He does not get impaled on one of them, thankfully.

Group date with these jerks. They are going to have to learn how to become strippers. If they had them women doing this, I would be freaking out. Oh, I was just reminded that the women did have to get naked for a photo shoot in Andi's season. Cody will totally be into this, since he showed up fully slick with baby oil and wearing a wife beater. I HATE how muscular he is--it's obnoxious. (Another knit cap). All of the proceeds from the strip show go to men who have blown a gasket from lifting weights that were too heavy for them, so again, Cody will be supportive. Emily, don't read this next part, but I'm dying to know: will they have to shave "down there?" Do they know how itchy that can be later? One poor guy has to dress as the tin man in a costume that someone's mom made and it's way too big.  The other guy is stuffing his package though acknowledging that he doesn't want to support false advertising (please see previous post regarding shoe size). Marcus is pretending to be shy and freaked out, but he really loves it. He's dressed as Tom Cruise in a Few Good Men and has obviously done this work before to pay his way through salon school.

Who is this guy with the black eye? He's a gym coach, I guess. Brian, who loves to wears khaki dockers, has continued to be impress Andi, though I am not sure why. The baseball player wants her not to stereotype him as a dumb jock, while at the same time acting just like one. "You are beautiful, and I like you for that. girl." Craig is getting shit-faced and so will be kicked off. Chris gets the next one on one date. He is not really a farmer. Unless you count having a collection of cacti in his LA apartment being a farmer. Another opera singer! It would be great if after he finished the song, she just goes, "Here's Sharlene's number. Call her." The drunk guy jumps into the pool with all his clothes on, including his white sneakers. Andi is flabbergasted by his behavior, as if she's never once in her life been to a frat party, a bar, or an outdoor bbq with her. They are acting like he just took a dump on the marble floor and then used his finger to try to spell out Andi's name with it. Get a grip.

Chris is preparing for his one on one by trying to "put lipstick on a pig." I hope he's not going to spend the date trying to sound like a farmer and talk about John Deere tractors and fertilizing things. His neck may be too big. She arrives to the date costumed as Eva Perron.

They go to the horse races because of course where else would you take a farmer? He wears a bow tie and looks like a super handsome version of Pee Wee Herman. With a thicker neck. Blow your nose, Andi. They meet an old couple, also dressed as the senior citizen versions of Perron and Herman (the old guy also wears a bow tie).  Swanky race music plays in the background. Andi likes the fact that he's sweet and here for the right reasons and she politely doesn't mention the obvious fact that he is sweating like a....race horse! Here comes the story where he almost got married, but then he accidentally ran over his girlfriend with a combine (this is also not how Eric died though). His bow tie is getting limper and limper as he tells this half-assed story about asking his country girlfriend to marry him when he didn't feel it in his gut. She gives him a rose, but it's actually not just a single rose; it's one of those wreaths you give when your thoroughbred wins the triple crown. Cue the Dave Matthews Band or whoever this guy is with the Amish beard. He kisses her and she  keeps bending farther and farther backward to avoid it until her hair bun is almost sweeping the floor.

Final cocktail party and all the guys pretend to be nervous, including Nick S., pro golfer, who will most definitely be kicked off. She has her hair down and wavy like a brunette mermaid who needs a better support bra. Nick V. gives her a date card. He has a checked shirt with un-matching handkerchief, which I think is kind of charming. He immediately brings up his parents, so that's less charming. She says that it feels like he's reading her mind right now, even though he just said he wished they hadn't made him shave his balls. Was THAT what she was thinking? The black guy steps in; he is totally clashing with a flowered tie and checked shirt and striped socks. Like, pick one bit of flair, this is not a TGIFridays audition. She finds him hilarious, she says, reinforcing the African American as comic trope. Someone else breaks plates and another does tricks with his socks. For real. The baseball player basically tells her to help him stop talking and he puts his hand over her entire face, again reinforcing the stereotype of the baseball player who abuses his girlfriend. He says he has "putter flies" in his stomach. Shouldn't the pro golfer make that claim? Craig the drunk guy plays the guitar to show how sorry he is about doing too many shots and jumping into the pool, and the chorus goes, "Oh, Andi, please let me stay." So sad. And then he starts drinking again.

The only question on my mind is: when will her titty pop out of that dress?

Final rose ceremony. The farmer and the dell are safe because they got roses on their one on one dates. Chris cautions that this is where it gets tough. Who is this guy with the crooked smile? One of the black guys will go home, as will Cody, I hope.

First rose: Ron. Wait, that's one of the black guys.
Second rose: Dylan. His hair is too slicked back to hide the balding spot, but he's still cute.
Third rose: J.J. Crooked smile.
Fourth rose: Marquel. The other black guy!
Fifth: Andrew, who needs to shave like 75% of them.
Sixth: Tasos. The Latino man. He does not say "si" when he accepts the rose, as Dan anticipated. Racist.
Seventh: Josh?
Eighth: CODY? She is a fool!
Ninth: Bixie? Who is Bixie? He got the first impression rose as well.
Tenth: Badger.
11th: Brian
12th: Breck. I cannot understand what she is saying.
Final rose: Chris reminds them that there is one rose left. Baseball player will get it. She holds it up like a divining rod. It's Bradley the too serious and too old for her opera singer, who is dressed as Clark Kent. The baseball player who face palmed her will be going home? Or was he safe from getting a rose before? No clue.

Going home: Drunk guy, guy with the fake glasses, and some other dudes. She makes a sad face at the guy with the Buddy Holly glasses whose body is covered in tattoos like that guy from Bradbury's The Illustrated Man. What's his job, snake charmer? Also, are vests back in? Guy  who is most obviously losing his hair and wearing a pink shirt goes back to Kississimee, Florida.Craig seems like a good guy to have at your bachelorette party, but maybe not on your bachelorette show. Maybe now he will finally be convinced by his friends and family to attend an AA meeting? Why does she keep saying "ya'll?" Is that to remind us all that she's from the South? Who cares?

Oh, no, next week, the show is on for two full nights. If you minused the previews, replays, and commercials, you could have it done in 45 minutes.


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