But Call Me Betsy

Finished Jane Steele last night, the book about Jane Éyre as a serial killer governess, although that's an exaggerated description from the book jacket that's meant to cause you to pick it up. She's more like Jane Éyre as Batman--she only does away with those who are nefarious and deserving of death--rapists, child abductors, mass murderers.  The first-person narrator in the contemporary version does address the reader directly, but instead of stating, "dear Reader, I married him," she writes "dear reader, I murdered him." She's not a sociopath though; she feels guilt and hates herself for these mostly random or opportunistic slayings. It's hard not to compare it to another Victorian  Gothic retelling I read recently; Pride, Prejudice and Zombies , which weaved together real text from the Austen novel and sprinkled in zombies. Not enough zombies for me and the book didn't play that up enough somehow. It also had illustrations and I could...

I won't write a blog post that explains how little dogs are better than big dogs, because I've never owned a big dog and so have no basis for comparison. I also never, ever thought I would be happy with a little dog, as they made me think of snobby older white woman on Madison Avenue who carry their Pomeranian's like accessories. Little dogs didn't seem like real dogs--real dogs are water-loving golden retrievers or bear-like huskies or thick-necked Rottweiler's. But then, because we were trying to ease Luke into the idea of owning a dog, we went with the smaller model. Also, the hypoallergenic model, which is a whole other issue altogether, because we paid for him at a puppy store that may be an abuse factory for mommy dogs, and so we cannot say, "He's a rescue." People like to say this when you ask them their breed of dog. "Oh, we don't know. We rescued him from certain death." They like to put bumper stickers on their cars that read ...

I like a routine at the gym, and I like limitations on time. I go between three or four times a week and do either 40 or 45 minute of cardio and sometimes a few sit ups and weights. But most of the time that I'm there, I'm dying for it to be over and having the same thoughts. It's not like other solitary activities--like if I'm walking or in the shower, my brain works on solving problems or maybe I think about a story or a to-do list. At the gym, maybe because my body is fully occupied, my brain can't organize itself around a set of coherent or useful thoughts. Here's basically what circulates through my brain: 1. Don't look at how much time is left. Don't look at how much time is left. Keep going, don't worry how much time is left. Oh, god, that's all I've done so far? 2. Who the hell keeps dropping the weights? He should be banned from the gym. I am going to go over there after I get off this machine and tell that guy that he's l...

Oh, HUGE plug to get us to watch After the Final Rose TV show as both sets of divorced parents are in the studio audience as is Ben's evangelical, snake-handling pastor, Saint Amos. Not going to work on this lady, because I can barely stand two hours and refuse to subject myself to an hour of recaps followed by not a marriage.  JoJo appears in yet another in a seemingly endless assortment of drooping shoulder shirts. Both women have been given matching denim short-shorts and Ben is going to have to choose his wife based on their asses, lined up side by side. Ben can't believe that he's put himself in this situation where he's in love with two women and his parents have been flown to Jamaica to give him benign advice and platitudes. Hey, did you know that this whole show has been filmed in six weeks? And so by the time it gets narrowed down to these two ladies, that means maybe they've known each other about five weeks. I don't even shave every five weeks...

This is the women tell all show before the big hot dog finale. It's also the cheapest way for CBS or whatever station to get prime time viewers without actually filming new content (it's 70% recaps that we've already seen. And at times, it's recaps of recaps, which are called doublecaps aka DULL). It's called The Women Tell All , but it should be called The Women Offer No Insights & Fight for Air Time .  Please stop calling viewers Bachelor Nation. I hate it. I hate it too because there is now something called Tr*** Nation (I don't use his name because why give him any more attention? It feeds the fascist fire). Here is the part where Ben shows up at your Bachelor parties like a creeper and the women wet themselves. Maybe he'll fall in love with a mom at one of the parties.  He is handing out roses and eating a piece of cake with the hosts face on it. How do they find these mobs of people and why are they all wearing footie p.j.s? All of the lad...

Three dental hygienists/entrepreneurs/software tuners in search of true love. Let's start with twenty minutes of recaps so that we can be reminded of who is who and be made to feel like they've gone on fifty first dates instead of two twenty minute interactions on the beach. As an aside, don't you just bet that there's a S & M movie out there called Fifty Fist Dates ? I am afraid to Google it. Hey, I forgot that JoJo showed up in a unicorn mask. You're right, producers, that changes everything. This is the fantasy suite episode, where they get to choose whether or not they will spend all night together in the Holiday Inn Deluxe in Jamaica. The suspense factor is zero, because no one in the history of The Bachelor/ette has ever turned down an overnight date card. I did not fact check that statement, but I'm fairly certain I'm right. First over night date with Caila who he describes as bubbly and exuberant (difference being?). First, they take a quie...

Hometown dates. First hometown is with the baby voice woman who has a shoulder disability that disallows her from wearing shirts that touch her shoulders. Doctors orders: all shirts must fall off her arms. I've diagnosed eczema. Her two little girls arrive, also wearing shirts that fall off their shoulders. They wear matching pink cardigans, ponytails and lace up sandals favored by the Kardashians. One daughter goes, "Is that Daddy? Where Daddy go?"  Ben awkwardly plays with the little girls, picking one of them up by her ponytail. This is a serious reality check for him. "Are you the new daddy?" "I don't know, honey. I haven't given her a rose yet. Let's see what she's made me for dinner." They drive back from the beach and the littlest baby cries and cries. Amanda's milk comes in. She lives with her parents? Ben brings a house-warming gift of a paper mache balloon. Ben follows her upstairs to put the baby to bed. The...