Part II, A Whole Lot of Nothing Much

Lots of expletives to start the show, mostly from Kenny, I hate to say. He calls Lee a snake and I can't understand the rest of it because they are bleeping every third word.  Rachel approaches with a rose and she's going to give it to... No one. Lee is going to be sent home because she doesn't trust him, but she won't give the rose to Kenny either until she spends more time with him. Instead of getting into the proverbial and ever-present helicopter, Kenny decides he must go say goodbye to Lee. He wants to clarify to Lee that he didn't threaten him, even though he did say something like he hoped he could dance on his grave. Lee laughs with his legs crossed. My guess is that the producers will find a way to bring Lee back. Why did we have to watch an additional night to see this anti-climatic moment? Is one of the Monday nights a football play off or something?

Rachel would like to spend more time with Kenny and get to know him, specifically to know why he had to go back to talk to Lee. He says that he has evolved to learn that he needs to express himself in the moment instead of keeping it bottled up. He also says he has a very long fuse, and does not easily get set off. After that mature conversation, she does give him the rose, which perfectly matches his sweater. He calls his daughter, who has her face painted like a cat. He starts crying. He might be a good dad and/or he might be a total mess.

I believe we may be going into another rose ceremony. The men go to the event carrying lanterns. Three of the guys already have roses. Cut to Pete's wounded and frightened face.

First rose: Dean. He's the cute thirteen year old with good dental work.
Second rose: Eric, he's one of my favorites.
Third rose: Peter, okay the hot tub make out session was for real.
Fourth rose: Alex, why? He's not...I don't see it.
Fifth rose: Adam, hey, again, why? He's boring and always looks like he just woke up.
Last and final rose: Matt????? He is balding.

No kidding. She is sending home two of the black guys, including Josiah who seems like a good catch to me. "Oh," he says, "Woman, you have some poor judgement." I have to agree. Four of the white guys look pretty dull.

Eric, my favorite, gets the one-on-one with Rachel in Copenhagen. He can't stop dancing, he's so happy to see her. They drink champagne on a free-floating boat. They talk about having kids and Rachel says she wants a few, but mostly from adoption. A stranger asks them how long they have been married. They get into the hot tub. She can't stop laughing. Something must go wrong. They seem to really like each other. They go to an amusement park called Tivoli, and it occurs to me that I have serious gaps in my education if I'm learning things about the world from The Bachelorette. Eric confesses that he was a super square growing up and didn't have a great relationship with his mom and so it's hard for him to let down his guard. I am distracted because one of her false eyelashes is out of place. She's really great at making eye contact though.

Seven dudes on a group date where the men are going to duel like Vikings and must row a ship next to bearded white guys. A lot of Patagonia-wear going on. They meet Tom and Morton the Viking fighting instructors who wear knit caps that make them look like people-sized elves. They say "Wh-iking" instead of Viking.  Bunch of dumb games that Vikings supposedly played. The outfits are cool though, lots of knit wear and leather caps. Kenny and Adam are paired together to fight with shields and swords. What kind of insurance does this show have? Adam's sword breaks but he is still able to attack Kenny and both of them end up with blood on their faces.

So far, it doesn't seem to me like this show really needed to go for two nights in a row.

They go back to the house so she can get to know the guys better. Bryan uses the word magical again. I have news, guys. No woman over the age of fifteen believes that anything about love is magical. Okay, maybe over the age of 18. Or 22. But definitely by the time you're thirty, "magical" is how you feel when you don't wake up with a hangover after a heavy night of drinking. Now it's Peter, the most movie-model looking white guy. Well, except for that other movie-model looking white guy who is ten years younger. They could, in fact, be related.

I find it annoying that they make it seem like if you take a two week vacation from your kids, as Kenny is doing, you are somehow failing and it's nearly impossible to go on. She sees that he's moping and tells him that it's time for him to go home. He does and Rachel cries and we get to see him talking to his daughter on Facetime again and crying. Is she terminally ill?

Rachel gives the group date rose to Peter, who does seem like an adult. I am a little worried. She has whittled this down to two black guys and six white guys. What happened? My psychic prediction is that the last two will be Eric and Peter and she will pick Peter.

One-on-one with Will and they meet and old white couple who kiss in front of them, illustrating that they still have it going on after thirty-five years. Rachel likes Will, but she feels like they don't have chemistry together because they haven't yet made out in hot tub. He needs to make a move and give her a killer kiss as they are standing on the top of a castle and bells are tolling. Will tells her that he dated mostly white girls, so I guess she's wondering if he's attracted to black women at all. Will will be going home. Stop saying the word "journey." Now we only have one black guy left. What if he gives her a really great kiss? He doesn't and she is left standing in the rain under a huge umbrella.

It's a lot of pressure for her, because if she chooses a white guy at the end, people in the black community might think that she's not representing well. If she chooses a black guy, people in the white community might go, Oh, yeah, of course.

This is the fifteenth rose ceremony of this particular episode. Chris notes that Rachel seems solemn tonight. Dan goes, "Chris is so full of himself." Four roses, and so one of the men must go home. She quotes Hamlet, "To thine own self be true." That's because they are in Denmark. Please do not leave this on a cliffhanger. I cannot take it and next week, I will be in Montauk and so may not be able to watch it anymore. I think she's going to send home the younger hot model.

First rose: Bryan, the player.
Second rose: Matt, what the hell, and why?
Third rose: Dean, oh, thank God. He's a baby, but he's a sweetheart.
Fourth and final rose: I mean, both of these guys are pretty average, so...Adam gets it and the KGB dude goes home.

She must say goodbye to Alex, who is advised to take a moment and say his goodbyes. I do not get the Matt guy at all.

Previews: many tears, a thunderstorm, a castle, a flowing glittery white dress, and again, she has to be proposed to as opposed to making the proposal.

As always, the unscripted outtakes are the most entertaining.