A Two Night Event that Could be Condensed into 15 Minutes

Bryan, the chiropractor she thinks is too good to be true, sits in a sailboat and tells her that he thinks she's too good to be true too so that makes them a perfect match. If only he knew how to sail. Is she buying this Juan Pablo crap? Hand covering the face audible kiss. And yet, the special rose goes to...Bryan. The guy who is 2 good + 2 B = 4 gotten.

Lee and that Howdy Dowdy guy are having a whisper fight to show who is the less aggressive. At the same time, Rachel is having her one-on-one date with Jack, who is also an attorney. My mom, who is watching this show with me for the first time, thinks that Jack might be, "A little bit gay." He goes in for a kiss that he meant to be super romantic, but it's not and they almost fall into a lake. They have the most awkward kiss in history and she is not feeling it. In typical Bachelorette fashion, he has no clue and says that he thinks it was the best kiss since sliced Wonder bread.

Another black man tries to educate the dumb white cracker (can I write that? "Cracker" is the worst thing you can call a white guy. The only pejorative available really) about calling a black man aggressive, and how that has an historical contest. The white  goes, "Really, dude?" Then he says, "Why he got to play the race card?" Utterly missing the point. He will be punched.

There is no chemistry between the Rachel and Jack, partially because he keeps talking in that way where  his sentences go up at the end like a question? He never stops smiling and winking. He's trying too hard. She holds the rose in her hand. He blinks. Smiles with his little teeth. She tells him that she doesn't feel that connection in a romantic way and so she's going to send him home. He nods. He is shocked and finally stops acting so wooden and phony. And here he thought it was going so well.

Rose ceremony out of nowhere:

First rose: Eric
Second rose: Peter, the model
Third rose: Adam, who says he wants to give her the full kitchen instead of a snack.
Fourth rose: Will.
Fifth rose; Matt, will you accept this business card from my barber?
Sixth rose: Alex, will you accept this hair gel?
Seventh rose: Josiah will accept this rose.
Eight rose: Anthony is bald and has an earring.
Ninth rose: Kenny will accept this rose and we already know that Lee will accept the final rose in order to go on a dramatic two person date.
Tenth rose: Lee, nick-named "the Snake"
Going home: the Asian guy, the white dude who tickles her goodbye (whose job was "Tickle Monster").  A waterfall of tears from Iggy.

Next stop: Oslo, Norway. Rachel is really starting to realize how real these relationships are with these men, who are, in and of themselves, almost real. They go into the Hollmenkollen Park Hotel where my mom stayed the first time she ever went on an international trip with my stepdad in 1984. Rachel and Bryan cuddle on a bus because they have tons of physical attraction. They go up the sky jump thing (as my mom calls it. Where they had the Olympics). Rachel announces that they're going to rappel down. It's 187 feet and Rachel says that the number "187" has to do with murder. I think it must be some legal term I don't understand. Oh, yeah, right.  She doesn't get why Bryan appears to be so awesome but is also still single. What's the deal, she wonders? He explains to Rachel that he used to be tall and gangly and pocked with acne. He had a long term relationship that made him realize he needed to grow up and be a man. He opens up and makes himself emotionally vulnerable. Rachel's eye lids are spackled with gold eye shadow and she must give Bryan a rose, not knowing that off camera, he uses the word "magical" a few too many times. I think she's being played.

This show is too long. Kenny and Lee realize that they are going to have to go on a two-on-one date and one of them will have go home.

Group date where they are forced to learn how to play handball, which is a combination of basketball, soccer, volleyball, and that game where you try to hit a guy in the face with a ball. Blue team versus red and they must wear tiny wrestler-like onesie jumpers. Turns out Peter has several pretty bad tattoos including one that looks like a large sundial. I still also really like the super young guy.

Kenny calls his daughter and sobs, making her sad. In a different room, Lee is lifting weights while wearing cowboy boots and flipping through a photo book of mountains left by the previous tenants. It's possible that, like Donald Trump, he has trouble with reading anything longer than a photo caption. Or am I reinforcing unfair stereotypes about dumb white good ole boys? Naw.

At the group date, Rachel tells the men she had a great time with all of them, but she would like to have some alone time with Will. Will has a cute face. He confesses that he had someone leave him for another man. He got over it by realizing that he didn't do anything wrong, because he gave his all. Another guy embroiders his song lyrics on a scarf for her. Another guy, Josiah, says that he honest to God believes that she's the woman of his dreams and he wants to grow old with her. She feels that Josiah is very smooth and disingenuous and I agree. She says that she wants him to ask her more questions and he responds by not doing that.

Dan notes that Rachel and Peter have the very same gap in their front teeth, and for this reason, Dan calls Peter "Chip." They lock gaps on the front porch and then in the hot tub, where she climbs on top of him and we realize he is still wearing his high school class ring. She must give out only one rose and it will go to Will. Aww!! Good, I like him and his dimple and his nicely folded polka-dotted suit handkerchief. Peter is bummed and starting to feel insecure because they just mounted each other in the hot tub and where does that leave him?

Much anticipated two-on-one date with Kenny and General E. Lee. They take a helicopter across the Viking fjords or whatever those are. Kenny says that he's in it for a forever thing. He pleads his case and confesses that he did yell at Lee. Rachel believes that he is very forthcoming and that he's sincere. Now let us contrast that with Lee. The two men sit in silence with birds chirping in the background. Lee says that he is in it to win it and he wants to capitalize on it. During his alone time with Rachel, Lee lies and and says that when Kenny drinks he has a dark side. He doesn't even stutter when he makes this up.

Stay tuned, because we have to do this again tomorrow.