Lots of bearded dudes left

Them Bachelorette producers are fake-breaking the rules again by allowing Chad to return to the log cabin. Never before in the history of this show has a guy who has been fired been permitted to return for one last phony conversation with most of the guys eating bowls of Bran Flakes while wearing tight white T-shirts. Cue clinking of spoons. Chad goes hair gel to hair gel with the football player. Full moon and whistling at Pete's Cabin as Chad exits, only to reappear in that one episode where they tell all (read: recap what's already been viewed).

Oh, wait, there's JoJo, kissing Tom Cruise's younger (and shorter?) brother, Alex. James T. still has a scar on his face from a pool accident with one of the blow up swans. The men throw firecrackers and cupcakes into Alex's face in celebration. Chest bumps abound.

Jo Jo addresses the men wearing a sparkly mermaid dress and brandishing a fishbowl sized glass of box wine. Or is she wearing a pantsuit? Hard to say. Why is she in a giant bubble sponsored by Lady Bug shaving creme? They've moved from the log cabin back to the Hyatt Resort, complete with twin waterfalls. The guys freak because Robbie stuck his tongue down her throat. Is that another contestant or the bartender--get out of the frame, dude!!  One guy reads a poem scribbled on a creased piece of paper ripped from his kid's sister's seventh grade health class notebook: "Her heart is like a treasure/Her face a glittery ball/She is the beauty that is left/She is like me/Only with a breast."

They are all vying for time to make out with her. The football player mauls her in a corner, his giant hair creating a shadow in the shape of a rabbit with a bouffant. We all wonder to ourselves why ED guy remains.

Rose ceremony mid-episode.

First rose (drum beat): Derrick. Will not last.
Second rose: Robbie (from the waterfalls)
Third rose: Chay?
Fourth rose: Wells. I like him the best.
Fifth rose: Grant (the only remaining African American player)
Sixth rose: Vinnie whose hair is cut by a razor blade, making him look like an inpatient extra from a remake of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Seventh rose: James T. with the facial scab
Eighth rose and final rose:............................................................WHAT? Evan, the ED guy. Does she just want to score some Viagra for the fantasy suite episode?

Going home: Earnest guy who read a poem. Is he the only one? He exits through the revolving door. Also, the Canadian whose job is listed as "Canadian." He says, "You guys take care, eh?" He wonders why she didn't pick based on body types. He says he has a better chance of getting struck by lightning while.....(long, long pause) shaving his face. He fails in the improv category.

JoJo is flying them all to Uruguay! Or possibly Paraguay! One of the Guays. Date card arrives. Jordan gets the time with JoJo. Wells is devastated. He's a radio DJ and just wants to spin some music. Jordan excuses himself to blow dry his hair into a wave-sized crown. The guys question his motives because he's a football player and wants to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. His hair cannot take the breeze on the boat. They snuggle on the deck and then jump into the water, ruining his hair so bad. Seals frolic around them while back at home the barber contestants gives free haircuts while wearing a straw hat.

The men have somehow gotten a hold of some gossip magazines and are afraid JoJo isn't in it for the right reasons. Coincidentally, JoJo also has met someone who used to date Jordan and she confronts him with the knowledge that she heard he was a dick. He says he was kind of a jerk because he was playing football and surrounded by cheerleaders. He reverts to something that his pastor said like "If you like it then you should've put a ring on it." He promises that he's not a cheater. Crosses his heart and hopes to make it to the next episode. JoJo is convinced by his insincerity and so asks him if he will accept this rose.  He says yes and his hair has grown back up to its largest possible size, much like that of a rooster.

The producers allow her to read the magazine so that she can cry and because otherwise the show is a snooze fest. Of course I'm Googling the article, which is what they want. She's wiping her tears away, one tear at a time. And yet her breasts still look amazing. She puts on a robe and goes to the boys to explain that she's totally there for the right reasons. The men stick up for her and rub her back while wearing light blue tank tops. Tom Cruise has forgone the shirt completely to be bare-chested, all the better to share with the American public that he has tattoos on half of his torso.

My Dan feels bad for JoJo. He points out that all Chads are bad and that there has never in the history of the world been a priest named Father Chad.

The men are treated to a spa day and we are made to look at their disgusting toes while they have cucumbers on their eyes. Does anyone find this funny? Like, are 12 year old girls wetting themselves laughing?

JoJo has been dropped into the middle of the desert for this group date. They will be sand boarding which looks like a lot of fun if you enjoy mouthfuls of sand. JoJo unfortunately has her hair in another top knot. ED is sure he will get a bloody nose again. Alex gets her attention by doing a back flip. Since he's not very tall, his center of gravity makes it easier for him to do gymnastics.

Robby, the former competitive swimmer, will be on the last one-on-one date. He appears to be growing his mustache ala a villain at a carnival.

Will wears a leather jacket and that makes me sad. He sticks to her when they hug.

Derek, the commercial banker, wants one-on-one time with her. He may be distantly related to the Baldwins. JoJo goes, "I always feel like I can tell when you're thinking." Why, because his mouth drops open? A single drop of sweat lingers on his forehead. Alex thinks he's a phony, maybe because of his insistence on wearing a suit jacket with a handkerchief over a T-shirt. Alex tells her he can see himself falling for her. The date rose will go to somebody that (who) she wants to give some reassurance to. That is Derek, the sweaty banker. Alex says that Derek is an insecure little bitch and he doesn't want the pity rose. Alex shaves his chest.

Robby and JoJo walk around Paraguay and a stray dog shows up. There's no structure to this date, which is unusual. In most cases, they have to go skinny dipping or something.  Oh, okay, they're going to jump off a cliff into the water. Luckily, Robby is a competitive swimmer plus the producers would never really let them do anything without it being safe. Her top must be glued on, because it doesn't pop off . How will they get back up? Later, at dinner, Robby confesses that he's an emotional person, like his mom. JoJo says she feels very safe with him, just like she does with her mom. Someone he knows was in a car accident from texting and driving off a bridge. I missed who it was. Maybe his best friend or possibly someone who he read about in the newspaper.  He says that he loves her, he does. He does everything at a faster pace because his friend didn't get the PSA about texting while driving. He gets a rose.

Yet another rose ceremony where ED must be going home. I hope it's not wrong of me to say that I don't trust the war veteran. Not because he's a war veteran necessarily or because he wears dog tags under his tuxedo, but because he barely talks. Robby pulls the three bully guys aside to tell them they're behaving like their in a high school clique. Alex tells him that he's being sensitive and calculated. Fake drama.

Chris Harris announces that it has been a very emotional week and so there will be no rose ceremony this evening.

I missed the rose ceremony because my computer restarted. She sent home the guy with the bad bangs, ED guy, and the African American firefighter who never had a chance. She is wearing a dress that I think used to be a tablecloth. All of the men cry. I feel bad for them, especially Vinny the barber with the worst hair cut.

Next week, they go to Buenos Aires to see Circque de Soleil.  I hope she ends up with Wells or Wills or with one of the less likely guys. We'll see.

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