Tuesday, June 7, 2016

In which Chad punches a bunch of dudes

I'm guessing because there were two previews with nosebleeds.

This is really a two hour PSA about steroid abuse sponsored by the World Wide Federation of Wrestling.
JoJo is throwing a pool party in her super hot black bikini. The guys all jump into the pool and ED comes up covered in blood. Oh, that explains the first nosebleed. ED has a tattoo on his arms that seems to read "Adopt Dads." JoJo is not sure if Jordan is as into her as she is into him and his wooden necklace. Is this Survivor or The Bachelorette? JoJo keeps kissing her own arm and her dark hair in a top knot provides too much contrast to her blond highlights. 911 to the hairdresser, please. 


The episode is also sponsored by Billabong, which has furnished manly necklaces for all of the contestants. One of the guys confronts Chad about his aggressiveness and then the camera cuts to the giant blow up swans floating upside down in the pool.

JoJo appears for the final ceremony dressed in a sparkly I Dream of Jeannie two piece pant suit.  I hope Nick gets to stay.

First rose: Grant, the African American gentleman
Second rose:

My computer shut down, so I had to reboot and can tell you that the producers forced JoJo to keep Chad and so Nick went home. Sorry, Nick. At least she kept Wells. The other African American guy went home, as well as the guy with one eyebrow. That's probably racist.

Here's one of the worst stock images I've ever seen. Like what would this be for (?):


They are off to beautiful, bear-filled Pennsylvania and JoJo is being flown in via a prop plane. All the way from LA? Cue JoJo in J. Crew sweater sipping from a mug in front of a fireplace. The men arrive in caravan of mud-splashed Jeeps. Luke will get the first one-on-one date. He's a war veteran with a super James Dean-ish hair style. This whole show has a very 1950s vibe. JoJo and Luke are driven across the countryside by Eskimo dogs. I think that's mean to the dogs. How is she not petting those dogs?
Guest logger: Dan
Aimee asked me to jump in and guest blog. But it is as commercial. I think Chad is a frightening human being. Getting in the hot tub. The smell of flesh boiling. Luke and Jo Jo. Jo Jo and Luke. Luke's hair gel is wack. We need to know more about him though. Back to Chad. He eats all the time. He chews nonstop. Why are they showing a bear along with shots of Chad? Unsubtle comparison. 

Okay, I'm back. Nothing much is happening and I don't understand why this went on for two consecutive episodes. Caution: when you Google "black bear, PA" 80% of the images are dead bears who have been shot for sport. 

The men debate whether Luke will get a rose or not. Jordan wonders if Luke has stolen his hairstyle. Both favor the huge wave. Group date that leaves Chad and Alex on the two-on-one date where one of them will go home. Alex says it's good vs. evil. Cue shot of full moon. 

JoJo says that Luke has a very relaxed self. She doesn't realize it comes from PTSD and an ongoing Oxycontin addiction. He tells a story about getting recruited to play at West Point and how he went to Afghanistan with his men and then his high school friend was killed by friendly fire. Luke says he looks into her eyes and he gets chills when he realizes that her eyes are the two eyes he could be forced to look into for the rest of his life. His schlock guarantees him a rose. 


Cue another singer I don't recognize and the two of them have to make out in the middle of a fog machine in front of hundreds of real fans.

I didn't write at all about the football tryouts that men were forced to do to illustrate their manliness. James T. loses and eye but he doesn't want stitches. THAT's how masculine he is! The entire group will suffer from concussions which should change their personalities not at all.

The winning team will get to watch JoJo do cheers and the losing team will go back to the man-resort to drink.

News flash: Clinton has taken the lead in New Jersey. She will be the democratic nominee!!! Go, Hill!

Back at the house, Lou dons a knit hat and Alex and Chad pretend to hate each other. All scripted. Chad says that the only way that he can get Alex to be quiet is to punch him in the face. Alex has tattoos all over his legs, which doesn't make him any taller, unfortunately. Sizism.

Tag football so none of the guys can sue. Jordan says that he was dropping dimes out there. ED gets another bloody nose but hides it. Ball intercepted by somebody on the blue team. Coach gets the water bucket. Lots of white headbands. Someone slaps JoJo on the ass. The defeated team skulks back to the locker room. Who cares.

Aside: In Trump's most recent speech, he said that inner cities are in terrible shape and so we therefore need to help the African Americans, thereby reinforcing the stereotype that inner cities are terrible because of black people and filled with poor black people. Why is no one outraged? Are they? Am I missing it?

JT is having a bad hair day, making him look more like Howdy Doody than Almanzo Wilder. Also, he kissed her with blood on his face.


JoJo has to give away a rose and she pins it to Jordan because he said that he could see himself falling in love with someone who is right in front of him. Not her in particular, but someone possibly like her.

Back at the house, the men call each other names and pretend like they are going to fight Chad. This gives men a bad name. because they all look like jerks who can only work things out by posturing and threatening one another.

Chad and Alex pack their bags and I can guarantee you for the viewing of the show that Chad will come home. Chad tells Jordan that he will go to his house and beat him up. Alex is wearing patriotic socks like a little clown. It's so predictable that she will keep Chad on the show because it's better television. I will bet money on it.
JoJo is dressed in a red lumberjack shirt because she's in PA. Chad picks her up when he hugs her to show that he's stronger. They are going on a hike. They both have to chop wood. One rose remains on a block of wood. Chad says, Did you ever go float in a river? JoJo asks Alex if he's mad at Chad. Alex spills it. Now she's going to go confront Chad. If she picks him, I have to go volunteer at a domestic violence shelter. I have to. JoJo says Alex told her that Chad was threatening the other men. JoJo says that she would never go tell the women that she would kick their asses. He says, If you have a better way to deal with it, let me know. She said, Yeah, sit down and talk things through. I think it's so interesting that he doesn't deny it. JoJo wonders if Chad is just struggling because his mother died six months ago. She cries about it.

Okay, she has pulled herself together and will maybe send both of them home? She has to send Chad packing. Okay, she is. She tells him that she doesn't think physical violence is the way to solve problems. Chad wonders if he is getting pranked right now. Back home, the guys are thrilled that Chad's suitcase is going home. They pop champagne and tequila. Chad says now he has to go and find Alex and beat the crap out of him. Why are they showing us scenes of Chad left alone in the woods whistling like he's about to come at them with an axe. As if the producers would let that happen.Or would they???

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