A dramatic two night television event when you should be doing something meaningful

Like anything else. Like putting stamps on envelopes, learning how to make chicken fricassee, writing a poem, bench-pressing puppies. Chad is into eating a lot of wheat and drinking vitamin water. We get it, everyone hates the Chadsters. Chris arrives to lay out the plan--coupla group dates, one-on-ones, nothing new, even though he said it was a little bit different this time. Ginger is wearing a T-shirt I think I got in my last Stitch. Chase gets the first one-on-one where he is supposed to "get physical." Of course it has to do with hot yoga. The teacher wants to know how long the two have been intimate (as she pretends to not know that she's on the show?). The teacher illustrates what it means for them to have an anger-gasm. Embarrassing. This is what gives yoga a bad name. JoJo feels that the date is super awkward. Wait until one of them farts. That always happens. Oh, wait, instead, they are making out.

Here's who they are not like:

Lots of previews about the impending fist fight between Chad and someone else--the little guy? Okay, get to it already.

Now JoJo  and Chase are at dinner and she compliments him on totally going with it and she felt really connected in the Yim Yam pose. They lok as though they are in someone's kitchen. She gives Chase a rose (only after giving a dumb speech about how she feels that the man who gets it is genuinely there for her). Cue guitar music, which leads to them slow dancing at their own private musical show from Creed or some other band with lyrics that include "tiny dancer" in them.

Group date...meaning that...who gets the one-on-one?

Chad says he doesn't want to go with 12 guys. Jordan confronts him, pointing out that it was always lots of guys before this.  James T. tells him not to go. The ED guy asks for a Sharpie so he can cross Chad's name off the list. Chad says Jordan is a 27 year old failed football player. The short guy says that he's a piece of shit. Please remember that this is all scripted. It's fantasy.

Group date takes them to a comedy club so that they can tell their most embarrassing sex stories to all of us and a live studio audience and their moms.I can't imagine any of them have any interesting sex stories, except for maybe the ED guy.

The Canadian guy says that he thinks poop is his favorite bodily fluid, or the funniest. He looks like he is made of wax or is a ventriloquist's dummy.

Chad tries to kiss JoJo on the stage and she turned her cheek at the last second. Chad tries to punch the little ED guy because he made fun of his steroids.  He punches a wall and bloodies his knuckles. Everyone is aghast. I am not typing everything that's happening because it's a bunch of posturing and fakeness. Also because I was eating ice cream. Chad says the ED guy is bitter because he f-ed up and had three kids and his life blows. Maybe this is somewhat authentic because I can't imagine someone scripting those exact words.

Ding-dong. James T. gets the one-on-one date and Luke, the war veteran from Texas, is so upset.

Back at the group date, the men are drinking heavily with ice cubes clinking in the glass. Chad gets time with JoJo and says that ED tried to push him over and he said that he is appearing to be a bully. ED interrupts the date and Chad restrains himself from punching him. ED tells JoJo that he will leave if Chad stays for the night.

Guest Blogger: Dan

If I was Jo Jo, I would send Chad home and the Erectile Dysfunction guy. I don't need that shit. I mean Jo Jo doesn't need that shit. You are not a strong person if you have to tell people that you are strong person - like ED just did. Oh, crap, Jo Jo just called out Even (ED). He dug his own grave + I think he seems equally feminine as Jo Jo. Chad is twisting up his face. Everyone else is for real. ED looks like one of the 3 musketeers. OMG  ED just got a rose. Chad's head is going to explode. It's going to twist right off. ED is honest. Chad is losing it. He's honest. If they get married Chad would eventually hit Jo Jo and then her brothers would put out a hit on Chad. He's spitting, and thoroughly disrespectful.

Aimee is back.

JoJo is dressed like a 1950s pin up girl and James Taylor wears suspenders. He is also from Texas.  We meet some old people who have been dancing for hundreds of years. They are going to teach JoJo and Jimmy how to swing dance. He confesses that he's a horrible dancer and it does appear to be true. He wears wing tip shoes. He reminds me of someone from The Waltons or perhaps Almanzo from Little House on the Prairie. Right, Kristine???

James T. feels that he has lived life like he was in the movies because they recreated a group dance scene possibly from 42nd Street.

We know this rose ceremony won't be like any of the others because it goes to part II tomorrow night. The wax faced guy explains to Chad that he needs to take it down a notch and not be so much like Hitler, Mussolini or Donald Trump.

JoJo and JT are in a blue Convertible surrounded by some very loud crickets. They are drinking whiskey out of thermoses. JoJo is not sure if she can be physically attracted to JT because he reminds her too much of the boy next door. The one with the crutches and the stutter and the cowlick.  JT explains how he was made fun of as a kid and JoJo gives him a pity rose. Oh, crude, he brought his guitar. It makes JoJo so happy and it makes me so unhappy. I hate it when it seems like they are really on the show to get a record or modeling or acting deal, but of course, that's why they're all there.

The boys debrief about the upcoming rose ceremony and Chad's muscular body. We know we're not going to actually get to the ceremony because of tomorrow's show. Instead of a cocktail party there will be an all day pool party!!!! ED goes after Chris and tattles on what Chad has done. I hope it doesn't end with a male rape. He thinks it's an issue with the guy being too much on testosterone. Chris confronts Chad and Chad says that ED pushed him first. I know, roll the tape. It's on video.Chris tells Chad to apologize and Chad decides he will go ahead and beat the crap out of him.