The SHOCKING Season Finale

What could that mean? Will someone be killed? Will Kaitlyn's twin show up to say she's the one who slept with Nick? Will Shawn confess that he's secretly married to...Nick's sister? Or will they drag this out for two hours and she'll pick Nick like she's supposed to so they can break up after two covers of US Weekly and go their separate ways to be on Dancing with the Stars?

Shawn, please stop doing you're hair in that 1950s do-wop soda jerk style.

Nick, you are not Nick Carraway. No more bow ties for you.

Kaitlyn, stop petting your mom's hair. Kaitlyn's mom is very made up and young looking. She has bangs and may have just had her braces removed. My far-flung reporter, Emily Morgan Brown, aptly describes her as "old-fashioned hoochie mama." That about covers it.

Nick shows up first, with his hair distinctly sandier than I remember it. He also has decided to grow a beard He is wearing a wooden beaded bracelet that look like a girl's necklace that he wound around his wrist four times. Hoochie Mama grills him, saying that she remembers him as arrogant and possessive and wondering if he can explain what it is that Kaitlyn likes about him. She asks if they will still like each other after the sexual attraction wears off. I think he's actually falling in love with mom, who keeps touching her neck. He fakes tears.  He is a bit of a mumbler. I can understand like every third word he says, "Your daughter argghh...she with the (murmur stumble slur) can't get enough of her." They make out by the mini van while saying goodbye. Numerous audible kisses.

Dan says he wants me to sign him up for the next season of the bachelor. Here's his pitch,"Danny Fernandez, yoga instructor, 47, lives in New Jersey with 12 year old son, frequently forgets to cut his eyebrows, but is a careful driver and hopes to find someone who will help him clean his ears for the rest of his life. His mom just bought him a shirt today."

Here's his head shot.

Shawn is next. He says that he's hoping "To get off to the right foot." He brings thank you gifts and Kaitlyn's sister likes him. His part is totally half-way down the side of his head and cut with a razor blade. They seem to like him better, even though he's more of a dude and uses the word "dude" often. Mom is a cry baby. She loves tons of cliches strung together.  Sister Haley also loves Shawn. This is the part where they skew it so we think that she's going to pick Shawn, but she won't. Shawn asks for both of their blessings. Mom goes, "We love our daughter, but she is an idiot. As long as you know that from the start." Dad says, "There's going to be lots of ups and downs. She's probably bipolar like her mother." (Those are Dan quotes).

Is this Kaitlyn's mom or Jackie Collins? You decide.

Is this Kaitlyn's mom or Sharon Osborne? Unclear.

Nick has the first one-on-one final date with Kait in Marina del Ray on a sail boat and he leaps from the motor boat onto the sailboat. Why oh why can't something happen like where he falls and hits his teeth and knocks them out? Who is sailing this boat? Where is his hand right now? You got it, all the way up her denim shorts.  They have another date and Nick wears a shirt that it looks like something his mom bought him, possibly from Macy's. Who is he trying to look like with this super un-hip shirt and beard? That guy from Little House?

Dan thinks that instead of going on adventures like sky-diving and cave spelunking, they should try to get their social security cards together in Trenton, like we had to do. Now, that's a character-revealing adventure.

He got her a gift and it's in his bedroom. But he says it like this:"Iboughtyouagiftandit'sinmypants." It's a handwritten poem in a frame with a picture of the two of them "There is magic in your eyes and when I see you there is love in your heart and when I touch you I feel love worth letting go." A terrible, terrible poem with spelling errors that he wrote on the back of the inside of a box of Froot Loops and stuck in a frame from Things Best Forgotten.

Now it's Shawn's turn. He shows up in a tight white long underwear shirt, also looking like a character from Little House. Maybe even the same actor. Kaitlyn, stop petting his knee.

He says he has a pit in his stomach because he's not sure if he should propose to her since she obviously slept with someone else.  For the second date, he dresses up by wearing a football shirt from the Gap. He says, "I want to  be able to say, 'This is my girl, this is my wife.'" He also has a gift for her, it's a jar of candy. Or a jar of fruit or wait, it's a jar of their dates. It's a memory jar, like a memory book, only, like, in a jar, dude. Where did he get the notes that he wrote to her? What's in the jar is their love story. What will happen if she chooses him is that she will end up in a jar, thrown in a river.

The two men pick out rings. Nick has dedicated himself to the white v-neck T under an open button down shirt look. Shawn is into whatever fits the tightest.

I missed a bunch of stuff because my computer lost power. But yes, they have fucked with us the whole season, so we would think it would be Nick, and it's not Nick, because she likes Big Boy better. She likes the guy who can't pronounce the word "been." As in, "I've been on a journey," comes out like, "I bin on this journey, dude."

Nick does not want to hear it. This is like being dumped at prom. That's how not-high the stakes are.

EW! I don't like Shawn though. It's not because Shawn isn't a good guy, it's because he seems like a beefcake. I mean, I get that these are personas, but I don't see anything, not one thing, that's interesting about him. Can the producers not find a way to make the people on the show seem more individual or human?

Stunned silence in the studio, like someone just announced that the president was shot. Except for the ll year old girls with side-ponytails in the audience, no one is really that invested in this show, because we all know it's staged.

Shawn shows up, wearing a skinny tie from 1989 and a skin tight tuxedo. Probably he's wearing a sleeveless shirt under the jacket. The moment he saw her, he knew his life was never going to be the same. When he introduced himself, he felt like he's never felt before, these past couple of months and through the highs and the lows and the ups and downs, he would not change any of it, something about more than he can imagine, the incredible-est woman he has ever met and he wants to kiss those lips and have a pit in his stomach every single day and he falls more and more in love with her every time he sees her, she is the love of his life, and all he wants to do is make her the happiest girl in his life. She blathers the same things back. She says that he makes her laugh (unintentionally). She too enjoys the ups and downs. And the truth is...She will stop sleeping around now. And she loves him with all of her heart. Kiss. Music swells. Dan wants to know if this is staged in Lego Land. Like, what are all those mini pillars? It reminds me of that scene from This is Spinal Tap, where the producers were imagining huge replications of Stonehenge, but the set designer came back with mini-versions "in danger of being crushed by a dwarf."

That's all she wrote people. I cannot stay for the after-birth.


Lori Stankunas said…
Seriously, every single thing I think, you write. From the clothes to the jar to the hair, to the leap on the boat, omg. Love you. After the final rose was a nightmare. 1st the happy couple comes out together. Chris Harrison says "but seriously, congratulations" about 10 different times. Then they leave and Nick comes out alone. His beard is like 2x the size it was. He looks tan and kinda like Ryan Reynolds. Its weird. So he pretends the fight with Shawn was childish blah blah. Then Kaitlyn comes out and sits like 4 feet away from him and he says "how could you let me get so far, to the point where I take the ring out of my pocket to tell me it wasnt me" and she says she didnt want him to have the same experience he had with Andy where she knocked on his door before the rose ceremony and told him not to come. So... apparently letting him pick out a ring and give a proposal speech is a better option. He is upset he will never "get those words back" guess you can only say them once to anyone.... and now he wasted them on her. Then Kaitlyn leaves and Shawn sits on the couch with him. They are stiff and weird together. Chris keeps showing clips which is like watching someone get stabbed and no one knows how to react to it. Then Nick leaves and Kaitlyn and Shawn are reunited on the couch again all happy like nothing awkward ever happened....oh and Chris Harrison says "but seriously, congratulations".