Monday, July 6, 2015

Captain America vs. James Dean

As per usual, I missed the first few minutes. but here we are, at 8:11 with Ben XYorZ in front of a fake fireplace at a fake inn with a fake frothy glass of Guinness. Ben H. loved his last girlfriend but fears that he is unlovable. He is a software rep, so that is probably a valid phobia. Who uses the word "lovable" unless speaking about a teddy bear? To prove that she finds him as lovable as a Gund, Kaitlyn sticks her tongue down his throat. Kaitlyn then asks him if he's a virgin. Gulp!

Quick switch back to the men and the date card. Ashton Kutchner gets the card and it says something about things running amok. Uh-oh, Nick is also a software rep. I find him about 1,000 times more attractive than Shawn, who is breaking out even as he speaks. Back to Ben Hur. Is he a virgin? Uh...No, he's not!!!

Here is Shawn:


And here's Nick:


And here's the guy from Kentucky. When he says that he likes her and she doesn't say anything right away, he goes, "I didn't stutter, did I?"


Who would you rather be with? Send Joe home. He wears too many layers all the time. Currently, he has on a T-shirt, a long underwear shirt and a flotation device. She tells him that she doesn't think they're on the same page. In other words, she's not in love with him right now. He says, It's all right, it's cool, as he stares off blankly into space. She asks him if he's sad and he says, "Why'd I be sad? I respect that. It's cool. No worries, man." Oh, okay, she just sent him home. He might have just told her to fuck off, but I'm not sure. I do know that he went off to shoot skeet.

The producers are now manufacturing a crisis by having Kaitlyn confess to Shawn that she slept with Nick. Shawn takes it in stride (i.e. he doesn't hit her) and says he needs to take a minute to regroup. I think he thought she was going to send him home and is so glad that the news isn't that bad. He leaves the room. Close up  of a door reading "Cents." He comes back out and says he's going to man up and deal with it. He says that he can't be mad. She says that he can. He says he won't storm out of the show because he wants more TV time. (aside:I wish I knew what kind of lip gloss she wears. It never comes off).

Shawn comes back into the room and even shakes hands with the guy who Kaitlyn slept with. I wonder if he will tell the other guys. Is Nick wearing a wedding ring? Does Shawn ever stop sweating? You know who else he reminds me of? This guy:


Four beautiful faces left (her words). She wears a sparkling mermaid dress the size of a cocktail napkin. I am certain that Ben Hur will be going home and Shawn will pretend like he's going home, but he won't.

First rose: Shawn.Well, we know from the previews that he needs to talk to her first. The men exchange glances. Shawn wants to make sure that she feels bad about sleeping with another guy. She reminds him that they're on a reality show where she's encouraged to sleep around and given fantasy cards and time alone and loads of condoms. This is boring. Of course he will accept this rose. Absolutely, he says. Candelabras burn. He can't give up on this girl, he says. He can't stop calling her a girl.

Okay, that killed 15 minutes.

Second rose:  WHAT? She picked Ben, the almost virgin. That means that Ashton is going home.

Third rose: Please, don't send Nick home. If she sends Nick home, I will quit watching. Okay, she picks him. Bye, bye, Ashton. You were too young for her anyway. Plus you have a whole life as a body double ahead of you.  Ashton says that he's glad he met her and that she will always hold  a special place in his heart and that means a lot to him, he says. They hug and she starts crying for some reason, making him comfort her. He gets into the limo and is crying too. Poor guy. If only they still did soap operas, he would have a job in a second.

What the hell nonsense are they going to put us through for the remaining 40 minutes? The jig music reminds us that they are still at Holiday Inn in Dublin. Nick gets the first fantasy suite date. She has concerns about Nick--if he's really someone she can marry or if she is just blown away by the physical attraction. They go into a cathedral and don't burst into flames. Are they allowed to be filming in church? They mingle with the locals. She might make out with one of them. Nick makes a toast to love.

You guys, this is dull. I feel like it's mostly commercial after commercial. Has it finally happened? Have I finally gotten bored of this show, twenty seasons later?

We probably shouldn't trust Nick. I still like him best though. Will they choose to go to the fantasy suite? Yes, but I don't think she should sleep with him again if she likes Shawn. She tricks him by pretending they will be sleeping in a jail cell. Instead, they are going to just drink one beer in it even though probably thousands were incarcerated in the actual dungeon over the years. Cheers!

Next morning, Kaitlyn wakes up still wearing fake eyelashes. Nick  shows off his six pack and Tommy Hilfiger boxer briefs. He wears a maroon cardigan with elbow patches and skinny green pants. Meanwhile, back at the Holiday Inn, Shawn paces. He wants to beat the crap out of Nick who has now changed back into his heather sweater. Nick pretends to be watching TV while Shawn comes in. Shawn tells Nick that he's arrogant, his skinny jeans are too tight and he doesn't wear enough hair mousse. They leave it at that, both sitting across from each other like patients in a doctor's waiting room.

Flash to weird aside of Brittany and this random guy. Not sure why we are watching this. Stay tuned for next week, where Shawn confronts Nick about his lack of neck muscles. Also, beware, Bachelors in Paradise starts in August.

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