Which Potentially Abusive Boyfriend Will Accept This Rose?

I hope in the next season of The Bachelor, the man cries as much as Kaitlyn is crying, those heaving, sobs of regret for being attracted to more than one person at a time.

Shawn, with the slicked back blond hair and beer bottle in the giant paw of his hand, says that he's not sure he can do this. He asks Kaitlyn if she's in love with him and she says, "I'm falling in love with you?" They make out. She cries. He goes and sits out on the steps in his denim jeans, his forehead super wrinkly, because that's how worried he is. Worried like a Shar Pei.

Next, Kaitlyn goes on a double date with JJ, the investment banker and Joe, who she thinks is hilarious and I think looks like he shoots guns at beer cans. He wears a denim shirt with a down vest over it. They go on a boat and Kaitlyn is hoping that Joe will speak from the heart and that JJ will not talk too much about his three year old daughter. One of these guys must go home. JJ says that he's really fallen for her, and Joe drinks to that, saying nothing in return, but like, what could he say, "Like, me too!" I am prejudiced against people with really Southern accents and buzz cuts.  Joe says, "The icing on the cake is you. You are one in million and you're worth putting everything out there for." Then, he licks her face. Like, his tongue came right out of his mouth and into hers.  JJ wants to explain about how he cheated on his wife three years ago and lost everything. I wonder why he feels like he needs to tell her that. She's not sure what she will do. How about sending both of them home? She sends the cheater home, and decides to keep Joe instead, and Joe just won a lifetime supply of hair gel but not rose. She won't give Joe the rose until the two of them spend more time together. Yes, send him home. Sorry, JJ, that you told everyone in TV nation that you cheated on your wife and then got sent away.

I keep thinking how this Joe guy is someone's ex boyfriend or many ex-es and how those women are throwing shit at the TV right now.

I don't care about Shawn, I'm sorry. I can't take him seriously. He's over-reacting. I feel like he's way too territorial too soon. Maybe he needs to go work out. Or at least take off his construction boots. Why doesn't he cry? Let's see him cry and sniffle and wipe off his mascara like she does. Likely, he'll just punch a wall. He goes to see her again and say that he's feeling bad. She starts crying and blames herself for making it so hard on him because she is just basically doing what she's supposed to do given the parameters of the show. She apologizes for being so fickle that he had to hit her. Of course he had to hit her, she made him do it! That's kind of how it's going. I guess if I felt like being more generous, I would make some statement about how the guys have to live up to this crazy version of masculinity, but I actually think many women are attracted to men who have some sensitivity.

Rose ceremony cocktail ceremony. Nick pretends to be
nervous even though he is wearing a rose and carrying around this big huge secret that he's been there, done that.  Lots of dark haired guys on this show. She is meeting with one of them now, Ben Z., she finds him handsome, manly and super sweet. He rubs his thumb on her face while they're kissing, like I do when I'm trying to get an animal to swallow a pill without balking. They must train them to do this. She likes Ben H. too. Ben H looks straight out of central casting from a daytime soap opera. Like Shawn, he is saying how he was upset because he could see that she was making connections with other guys. She starts crying again, relieved that he does not know that she slept with Nick. The previews of what's to come hint that Nick will be sent home, but that is usually not the case at all.

Nick has one on one time with Kaitlyn. He says he wants to make sure that she's okay. Why doesn't she just tell him that she's afraid that he will tell some of the guys? Nick gets tears in his eyes and tells her that he had a really nice time. He is likable again. They make out.

She must reassure Shawn for the third time and she again admits that it's all  her own fault. He says that it's truly not, but I think she's starting to convince him that she is the real problem.

She has a series of large rings that she wears. I wonder if Shawn's mom died when she was young. All of the guys are illustrating how much they're freaking out by putting their lion-like heads in their hands and steepling their fingers under their chins and rocking back and forth. And drinking A LOT.

As the rose ceremony begins, it sounds like someone is playing that Stones song "I see a (indecipherable) and I want to paint it black..." on the harpsichord when she enters the room.

First rose: Ben H., the soap opera actor.

Second rose: Chris with vampiric shadows under his eyes

Final rose: Send Shawn home, please. I don't like these final roses in the middle of the show. No, she keeps Shawn, but she asks him to stay in this dead voice like she really doesn't want him there.

Going home:  Some other brown haired guys named Ben. They take a moment to say farewell. She's sending home the huge dude who did not see that coming. They always say that. He really thought they had something good.  Stop calling her a girl, and she might like you more. "She's such an awesome girl."

Group date with Ashton Kutchner while the rest of the guys are on the bus. The dentist has inexplicably made it this far. Oh, of course, they are going to the Blarney Stone castle and must kiss the rock. Upside down, in case you didn't know. I have no desire to do that. Ew, and then they kiss each other with the germs of thousands on their lips.

Chris Harrison explains how she will soon be allowed to spend alone time with the men who don't have the roses, so that she can more accurately decide who to kick off.

The dentist gets the first intimate date. (Note: there are fifteen minutes left in the show and the dog won't stop barking at me because he wants me to pay attention to him). It's hard to tell if Chris the dentist has a personality or not. They get into a helicopter, which is flying in slow motion over the Cliffs of Moher. They take a picnic to the edges of the cliff and kiss. This will end in tears, I know this from the previews. They are eating tuna salad and pineapple. He also calls her a girl. Chris says that he loves Nashville and he wants to raise his children there, as long as he can be in charge of their orthodontia. 

I missed the last five minutes because we managed to lose the remote control somehow. According to Lori S. , my researcher, Kaitlyn told Chris that while she loved knowing he would always make sure she flossed, she would give her "eye teeth" to get the "molar" out of there and it took a lot of "wisdom" to not "crown" him into the next week, and it would take a "retainer" for her to stay, so she left him sobbing and alone.