This is not how she thought it would end

I missed last week, so I am not sure why we have started with a rose ceremony and the men holding their heads in their hands and why does Ashton Kutcher now have a black eye? And why did she send that other guy home, I think it was because he was shouting? Or was it because of how much he was sweating? It's all a mystery to me, but Mom is here and she doesn't like this Kaitlyn because she looks slutty in that low cut silver sparkly dress of hers. My mom has only seen like three episodes in fifteen years.

First rose: Terry/Ashton
Second rose: Ben Z. not to be confused with Ben P. and Ben T.
Third rose: Shawn B.
Fourth: Missed his name.
Fifth: Tanner, will of course, accept this rose
Sixth:  Chris, who look like he hasn't slept in weeks. He's a dentist, I think. Bi
Seventh: Brian: wears fake non-prescription Superman/Clark Kent glasses
Ninth: Ian,  other black guy
10th:Josh or Choc
12th: Some other guy who is not the yoga guy with the too long hair tucked behind his ears
Final rose: Tony, the yoga guy, He feels it in his chakra as it takes him into the fifth dimension

Going home: Cory, the guy with a kid, and Daniel, a guy who is too tall for her, She is crying for having to send these guys home and doesn't understand why it's already this hard.

More stereotypes being totally debunked as the guys are woken up huge Asian men in kimonos banging a gong. Chris announces that one of the guys weighs 600 pounds. This is beyond ridiculous ad racist. The men are being made to put on diapers and wrestle with one another, probably with their skin oiled up. Their butts and balls are showing. This is terrible for the Japanese culture. Clint goes first. He wears a ponytail. He is easily pushed out of the circle. Shawn does no better. They say it's like running into a brick wall. Tony the yoga guy believes he can take him. He will just give him some serious yoga moves. He is able to kind of push him a little bit, but I think he is upset that his one testicle got crashed. He also says that he doesn't like show his aggression and he has the heart of a warrior and a spirit of a gypsy and he sees the world through the eyes of a child. He says all this while gesturing wildly with a pair of Oakley sunglasses. Tony, a peace lover, tells one of the guys to get the fuck out of his face. Lots of bad tattoos on this show.He has worked very hard in his advancement emotionally, spiritually and physically and he can't revert back to his primal instincts. He tells Kaitlynn that he has a lot to offer and then he spits. She hugs his well-shaved chest. Does he ever smile. He also keeps flexing his left pec muscle.  

Next, the guys come riding into a town filled with people wearing robes and being forced to face off as Sumo wreslters. They have to strip. The twelve year old girls in the crowd have to look away. She is a former dance instructor, so maybe she will be okay. He swings her around and then he lets her push him out of the ring. First up JJ with back acene against Joe who may not have a tatto, but certainly has to worst hair I've ever seen. It sticks straight up like a toothbrush. Now, Joe vs. Clint who has one of the diapers tied around his head. He body slams each guy,

Tony decides to leave and he does so by leaving a note for her with his name written on it for some reason. He says that he is walking away on his own terms. He wears a camouflage hat, to illustrate his peacefulness. He decides to get home and I missed the part where he said why.

Chris Harrison has chosen the next date. They are driven to a warehouse filled with old junk and they open the door and a pigeon flies out and she screams so that he can through his arms around her. There is something amiss about this particular series and I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Maybe this is how it always in the beginning of the show when none of the guys really stand out.

What happened:

What she acted like happened:

I guess Chris Harrison great date is to take them through a haunted house. They have only a few
minutes to get out before they will be killed by Tony. I do not get this. He pulls some clues out of maggots and they are forced to kiss in order for the door to open. However, maybe I shouldn't complain because they are actually having to use their brains and work together to accomplish something and it doesn't involve jumping off a mountain. Snakes are coming out of a toilet bowl. Dan thinks that the guy has crossed eyes. They finally break part of the code and they are finally able to escape. Just in time, because they were about to be gassed.

Now they are having some moments together and I really can't hear what they're saying because Luke and Dan are talking. He is also sweating a lot and saying that he hasn't cried for 11 years since his mom died. In a haunted house, unfortunately. Yeah, that makes you a real man. Someone has done a great job of putting on her lip gloss.

Second group date. Ashton is one of the guys. Back to Kaitlyn and what's-his-face in the hot tub with champagne. Dan says "she's kind of small up top." She gives Ben the rose.

Dan will guest blog while I eat a bowl of cereal:

I don't know anyone's name except for Chris the host. Aimee's is eating mini WHEATS. Here we go... they are on a grammar school playground playing out a pedophile's fantasy. There's a tampon in his locker basket. Sophomoric jokes are happening - if you get a hair on your ball - you know who to call" - good one. Now they are making light of homosexual relationships which is stupid. All the perfect men are now interacting with 6th graders. The kid in the first row is probably going to be the next bachelor. He already has a 5 o'clock shadow. The 12 year old girl in the back wants to know how many positions there are for sex; that gets all the grown men horny. But then they switch to period stuff and the kids get grossed-out.

Okay, Aimee is done with her mini wheats.

I'm back. Ben H. is explaining reproduction by pretending to be a sperm and having Kaitlyn stand in as the egg. She decides she really likes him because he did such a good job with the sex talk.

JJ and Clint are best friends now and it seems like they are just treating this like they are on vacation and have no idea that they are on The Bachelorette.  This is a total joke.

Here comes Ashton. She really likes his black eye so much that she wants to almost punch him again,  she says.  Ashton blathers on about how great his parents were and how he wants to be just like them and then he launches over and kisses her. They slow dance in front of a big screen TV. He tells her that he thinks she's pretty awesome, but then is crushed when Ben gets the rose instead of him.

Rose ceremony part II.

Clint takes her aside. He wears a vest. She wears a dress with a slit all up the side. He only shaved half of his chin. I think he might also be stoned. He says that he's not really interested in Kaitlyn, but he loves JJ and wants to keep staying. She gets a kiss from the dentist. I have no idea what these two guys are talking about. This guy has such a huge chin, he's either got an impacted tooth or he's related to the Kennedys. All the guys are gossiping about about Clint and JJ. Kaitlyn will confront them, but not this episode. Why is he taking off his belt?  Stay tuned.