Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Wherein the Tiger Changes His Stripes

I missed the first 30 minutes of this show because we were looking at houses for my mom, and so I didn't get to see the moment where I was proved wrong and Kaitlyn was chosen as the Bachelorette. So, I stand corrected. Britt will have to go back to Hollywood and hug a bunch of people. I am certain that she will do fine. But now, Kaitlyn has to decide who is there for the right reasons and who was there for Britt, the mermaid. The dentist goes in for a kiss and does not comment on any plaque problems. One point for him.

So far, Kaitlynn has kissed two guys, including Shawn, whose shirts is gaping weirdly in the front. Have you ever kissed a guy with a beard or, in his case, three days worth of facial growth? It's odd.

Okay, but so now, the guys who were all in for Britt are needing to change strategies and pretend they were totally making it up and they really are after Kaitlyn, who has tattoos on her elbows and a sparkly diamond nose ring and is not much like Britt at all.

We are already at the final rose ceremony. Why didn't they just make this one long episode instead of doing this one hour stretch out? Did Britt leave crying? All of teh guys who liked Britt are thinking of leaving, but not seriously.

First rose goes to the dentists. He's a nerd. Come on, he arrived in a cupcake.
Second rose Ben H. No thoughts about him.
Third rose: JJ who has a three year old daughter. He high fives himself when he gets it. What will the yogi guy do?
Fourth rose: Joe. She likes the dark haired guys.
Fifth rose: Kupah who voted for Britt. He's one of the token black guys with a shaved head.
Sixth rose: Daniel. He looks like he's from the turn of the century with is very dandy and perfectly shaped facial hair.
Seventh rose: Ryan  B. Needs to shave. White and blue checkered shirt.
Eighth rose: Joshua, super cute, he might be the welder. He is the only one wearing a vest.
Ninth rose: Tony with the black eye who was wrong about his vibes. No one is saying anything about the black eye still.
Tenth rose: pause. pause. pause. One of guys interrupts before she can hand out the next rose. Curveball! someone says. Another guy threatens to give someone a bloody nose.

Maybe this guy is going to say that he want to leave. Yes, he is. That is noble. That makes the other guys happy. Chris Harrison takes him to go see Britt who I guess is waiting in the guest cottage?

She still has like 500 roses.

11th rose: Clint. He also needs to shave and get a haircut.
12th rose: Corey. Brown hair
13th rose: Jonathan, the other black guy who voted for Britt but doesn't want to go home.
14th rose: Cory S. Blond.
15th rose: Ben Z. How many Ben's are there? Several Ben's and several Corys.
15th rose: Missed that one.
17th rose: Other other black guy. Ian. She picked all of the ethnic guys except for one.
18th rose: Justin. The guy in sauna car will go home.
Final rose: Who will cry? The Ashton Kutchner look a like. Nope, he just got picked. His name is Jared.

Going home: One ethnic guy, the kind of chubby guy, maybe (I hope) the guy from Kentucky. I wonder if any of them picked her. It's daylight now. Has this been going on for 12 hours? Goodbye to the guy with the unibrow. Kaityln says she feels so so so luck, like the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

For the rest of the season, there will be Ireland, jumping into pools, low cut dresses, ruins, roses, violins, cathedrals, kisses, yelling, ocean walks, canoeing in a canal, Amy Schumer (YES), boxing, men in underwear, fireworks, blowing bubbls out of noses, New York City, kisses on the back of pick ups, and next to giant glowing balls, possibly Tokyo, drinking, fist fights, hair mousse, Ashton Kutcher flashbacks, intense boxing and Sumo wrestling, testosterone, and the return of Nick in a sweater. I like Nick, but he's an opportunist. Lots of tears and premarital sex.

The dog is barking at me so I have to now and hand him a bully stick.

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