Monday, May 18, 2015

I Already Don't Like This

In a new twist on an old reality TV story, there are two Bachelorettes and the dudes get to vote on which woman they would rather sleep with and which one will be forced to go on Dancing with the Stars. I like Kaitlyn better than Britt, but it's no contest. Britt will win even though she is the uglier crier. I feel like she's way more conventionally pretty whereas Kaitlyn is funny and quirky and pretty but less startlingly beautiful. I also like Kaitlyn because she is from Canada. I don't trust the 'Mericans. It's like Aphrodite (Britt) versus Athena (Kaitlyn).

Some of the men:

Jonathan: black guy with five year old kid. Super cute, but never once has a black man made it even to the top three. He lives in Chicago? Somewhere with lots of snow. He's a Britt fan.

Joe: insurance agent. Southern accent. Eyes too close together. Dog is a too fat lab. He owns horses No one has ever taught him how to pluck his eyebrows or is that just a divet in the center of his forehead?

Josh: just graduated law school and has two sleeves of tattoos and is a fireman. He works out too much. Oh, wait, he's a male dancer, not a real fireman--that's just his stripping persona. As they show him plucking dollar bills out of women' cleavages, he wonders why he can't find a soul mate.

Brady is from Nashville and thought he was auditioning for American Idol. He plays the gee-tar and pian-er. He is also a Britt fan.

Country boy in search of love. Chopping wood. He lives in Kuna, Idaho and drives a pick up with dice hanging from the rear view mirror. He's a welder. He has rosy cheeks and nice eyes, but sounds like a doofus. He proffers the camera a white gold rose he welded himself.

Second token black man, Ian, from Los Angeles. Ran track at Princeton. Also very cute. He has had a tragic car accident--I mean he was hit by a car while walking. Wait, he's really of indeterminate ethnicity, but mostly black. He was told he would never run again. He has had to rebuild his body and move forward. He can now run and does so topless on the beach. He is an executive recruiter and I think he's a Britt fan.

Justin Bieber look-a-like. He is from DC and thinks of himself as a super hero. He is from Rhode Island and is a restaurant manager at TGIFridays.

Tony, a healer. Yoga guy with long hair and blue eyes. All of these guys have dogs. He specializes in flexibility therapy. He has bonsai trees that he talks too. He considers himself unique as he says "Namaste" and candles burn in the background.


Ben is a personal trainer from San Jose, California who likes to throw huge balls. He used to be a football player/date rapist and is now a body builder. His mom is dead and she died when he was fourteen and he can't wait to tell this story. He also runs shirtless and has a Phoenix tattoo on his shoulder. He believes that everything happens for a reason and likes to skip stones across ponds.

Britt is even dressed like a Greek goddess in a white tunic whereas Kaitlyn wears a long sparkly
blue dress that doesn't show off her tits enough.

I want you all to remember that Britt's job is giving out free hugs on the Boardwalk.

They show the socks first in every shot. Everyone totally loves Britt more and it's making Kaitlyn feel like Velma versus Daphne, Janet versus Chrissy, Veronica versus Betty, Jan versus Marsha (though both blondes), Snow White versus every other Disney heroine from my childhood. They all go to Britt first. Like, all of them.

I just briefly did some research, and it's true that men are more attracted to blondes and pay them more attention and even give better tips to blonde waitresses. And yet, the same studies show that men rate brunettes as more intelligent than blondes. I mean, all of this is according to Wikipedia.

Now they are pretending to tip the scales by having some of the guys seem to be into Kaityln. And here is where the stripper takes off his clothes for the two girls who smile at him through clenched teeth.

Sometimes, the guys bring one the girls a gift and ignore the other person. So far, there has been a hockey puck and like a dead butterfly in a glass diorama.

Kaitlyn runs away to tell the guys that they are killing it. Britt doesn't think it is fair that she did that and she juts out her lower lip in a pout.

How long will this flipping night go on?

Tony the healer has a shiner and a severe hair part. Is he or anyone going to acknowledge that he has a black eye? He soulfully tells both women that he hopes that the universe will provide.

Here is the one drunk guy who is probably a really nice in real life. Shawn E. is an amateur sex coach (??) He drives up in a hot car tub and gets razzed by the drunk. Another dude shows up in a cupcake car. He's a dentist, of course. He explains that he showed up in a cupcake because they need to pay attention to dental hygiene.  He gives them dental floss and a hug while still wearing surgical gloves.

Some of the men think they are in love with Kaitlyn and some are in love with Britt and some just want to go lift weights.

Why does the healer have a black eye? Will this not be addressed? Did he get it while trying to do crow pose (see photo)?

Britt says that she gets him and she gets his energy and he says that her hug made him feel super centered and it was just what he needed at that moment.

I feel like they are both full of shit.


Chris Harrison announces that the voting box is now open. The healer knows exactly what he wants and the box with Britt's name on it was radiating more to him and so he kisses the rose and puts it in her box. No jokes are being made about this. I think a guy just accidentally called Britt "Brett."

The guys are getting into a fight because one of them is drunk and the other guy decides to confront him for saying his hot tub car sucked. I guess this is to get more air time?

I missed some things but it sounds like the drunk guy grabbed Kaitlyn's ass. The drunk woozily strips down to his underwear and get into the pool. He forgets to take his watch off and then falls down in the pool while getting out of the pool, but luckily doesn't drop his beer. He knocks over some of the pictures.  One semi-sober guy asks him what his problem is. The drunk says, Why am I not raping you right now?" He actually says this. He gets called on the carpet by Chris Harrison. That's not a good sign. Chris sends him home. The guy pulls a napkin out of his pocket and can barely get into the limo without falling over sideways.

The dentist says he likes Kaitlyn because she's confident and cool. Kaitlyn notices that he has cold hands and he says, "Cold hands, warm heart." He is not dispelling any stereotypes one might have about dentists being boring and unimaginative and slightly creepy.

They are dragging this out. Kaitlyn really likes Shawn.  He gives her a picture that his nephew drew of the blob of her head or maybe it's the sun.

I hope the Nashville guy doesn't play his guitar for Britt. He quotes something from the Bible and Britt says that she is so into that!!!

A smash-nosed brute from the Sopranos opens up the locked rose boxes. Any reason it needs to be secure?

Are they going to make this go on for a whole other night? Please, please, please don't do that. What if it's a tie? Kaitlyn has a stomach ache about this. Britt can only sit with her chin on her knuckles, staring off into the fire. They are not going to tell us tonight. Bastards.

To be continued...

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