But Call Me Betsy

I mean, that's my guess. Baby voice can make it work wherever she happens to lives as we discussed in last week's post (see: animal husbandry). Becca, nee Doll Teeth, however, may not be able to transition (though I forget her job) and Kaitlan is too urban to be a farm girl. Here are the questions of the night--will he send the virgin home? Will a monkey in Bali poop on Chris' shirt, with hilarity ensuing? Will they confront the poverty of this country or just bask in its ethnicity because of how colorful it is? Chris contemplates the sunset while sitting on a rock, as in the distance, a poor man pulls rice with a basket on his back. Kaitlan arrives first and wraps her legs around him because she's tiny. Oh, okay, yes, they will be exploiting the culture fully--they are now carrying their own baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban. It is possible that Kaitlan has bad skin covered by three layers of foundation? Her face seems to be melting off. A bit. A mo...

I confess that I could not fathom writing through three hours of The Bachelor last night and so did not find out what happened on the Chris Tell All show or the episode that followed, though I can surmise that it went something like this: recap, recap, bland banter with the host, softball questions, recap, montage of Kayla acting crazy, no real discussion of PTSD or mental illness or whatever else was going on with her, Chris sweating, recap, and previews of the upcoming show. Here is a photo of some folks who live in Arlington, Iowa, where Chris is from. They are not actors. Okay, I just read some bloggers and I guess Sparkly Britt is still on the show, though Chris may be catching on to the fact that she might not to want to wait tables at the non-existent local diner, hoping to get discovered when maybe Steven Speildberg drives by scouting a location for his next sci fi extravaganza. Are they still in Iowa or are they in Hollywood? Wait, he has a loft in--what? Soho? He tak...

I haven't yet decided if I will go see 50 Shades this weekend. The New Yorker and The New York Times both panned it--but not in a terrible, terrible way--they panned it as they would any guilty pleasure, and then the Huffington Post says it's not very good because there's no actual pleasure for the heroine--like we never see her soaring to heights of ecstasy. But maybe it's so bad that it's good? In any case, here's an info graph from    grammarly.com/grammar-check   for your viewing pleasure.   

Now, where were we? I believe we left at a cliff hanger (or Clift Hanger, as I am inclined to write), where Daisy Buchanan has feigned a faint and Chris, sweat streaming down his broad American face in salty rivers, has had to step away from the room to gather himself. The paramedics are on hand every second I guess in case anyone has a ruptured breast implant or chokes on wine/whine or whatever. What is wrong with Kelsey? She ate a brownie with a nut? She asks to speak to Chris and wants to make sure that he's not going to not give her a rose. Eyelashes is on to her and thinks that she may be lying about the husband. Brilliant, Eyelashes! Rose Ceremony: Carly and Britta are safe. None of the women want Kelsey to get the rose because she's a phony. First rose: Jade,  long brown hair. Second rose: Kayla, also brown hair, she's funny and has birds on her arms. Fourth rose: Megan. Blond. Eyelashes is crying because she doesn't have a sad story. Fifth: Somebody blond. The...

That's what the preview guy just said. I think that just means there will be more baby talk and one girl will effectively fake an orgasm (Carly). Why are they painting Daisy Buchanan aka Kelsey as the bad person? I like her. Oh, yeah, except I forgot that the previews reveal that she slips on a banana peel that she threw down herself and has to be rushed to the set of  General Hospital  for pretend ER care. The ladies jump up and down because they are going to Sante Fe, which is either in Old or New Mexico. Each girl appears to require a minimum of 15 bikinis per person. Chris is excited to spend time with these beautiful girls/women in an adobe-style Holiday Inn. Eyelashes wants to prove to Chris that she's a virgin by allowing him to take her virginity on the circular resort bed and then showing the bloodstained sheets to the girls over orange juice the next morning. Carly, the cruise ship operator, gets the first real date and is so stoked by it. She wears her Liz Cl...