Monday, January 16, 2017

Wherein Nick visits his orthodontist to have his permanent retainer removed

Show starts with the recap of the women talking about Liz going home because she had sex with Nick, as if he had never had sex with another women before this show. As if he doesn't have HPV.




This is how people talk now, by asking and answering two questions in a row. Example: Was I surprised that Nick had sex with Liz? Yes. Was I surprised that he didn't tell us? Absolutely. Is that Annette Funicello in that ad? You bet it is. Was she on the pill at that time? Unlikely.



Nick asks the women how they are feeling and they seem to be okay with it, especially the girl with the mole whose grandparents have been married for fifty years. Would she have said anything if her grandparents had been married six times for three years each?



Corinne is happy that Liz went home because she did it before C. had a chance to have intercourse with Nick. Her word, not mine.



To make the show appear more interesting, the director is forcing Corinne to show up to see Nick naked under a trench coat.  I think he'll totally be into her pouring whip cream into his mouth (whip cream product placement)--the Ready Whip just happens to be on the side. She puts cream on her titty and asks him to lick it off.  Nick loves that she's into her own body and her sexuality. She keeps winking at him. The rest of the girls are totally freaking out and crying. I wish just one of them would be like, Who cares? Now Corinne is crying because he didn't try to have sex with her on this giant padded red thing that happened to be on the concrete.



Are we at a rose ceremony? Astrid will accept this rose. So will Taylor. Corinne did not show up. Meow-Meow, will you? Kristina? Danielle, Rachel. Raven and Raisin and Jamie will accept these roses individually. Heather or Tonya will accept this rose. Sarah will too. This one girl is wearing a bra under her dress. Alexis has spirit. Bimbi will accept this rose. Prestley will accept this rose. I seriously can't understand the names he's saying. Last rose goes to...Chestmine/Jasmine. He kept all of the minority women because this is airing on MLK Day. Bra is going home even though they roasted a marshmallow together at the fireplace.



Group date. All the girls pretend to be excited. They are screaming as The Back Street Boys make an entrance!!! Dan goes, Aren't they like 60 years old? This is where Nick gets totally upstaged. The girls are going to get the chance to be dancers in front of a live audience at Planet Hollywood. Did you know that I used to work at Planet Hollywood when I lived in Chicago? I waited on pretty much no one who was famous, though I did see Arnold S. and Bruce Willis and Charlie Sheen. I wasn't a great waitress, but I did sleep with a lot of bartenders. Like, all of them. It was a dark time.


Back to the show. Corinne feels bad because she can't dance. Because what you need in a wife is someone who can shake her ass double time. Oh, are they all performing or just the good ones? All of them. Even Nick. The audience members don't care about the chicks. Nick can't dance either. Corinne is doing fine. Dan thinks they may be performing in a high school gym. This is where Danielle decides to become a roadie. Instead, she gets singled out to perform a slow dance in front of hundreds of women. It is super boring for the crowd. They put their arms around each other to slow dance while the BSB sing, "You are my fire...My one desire." They are basically just attached by the crotch and chest and Dan goes, This is how I used to dance in seventh grade.


We have to endure another group date. Corinne wears a dress the size of a hand towel. She apologizes for not showing up at the rose ceremony. She's going to go lay down for a while. Perhaps she's a methadone addict? I hate it when they cue the sound of snoring for the women.


Nick likes to hold hands by putting all of his fingers through all of their fingers. I don't like to hold hands like that because all I'm thinking is, When and how will we untangle?



We learn that Corinne has a nanny who makes her bed and slices her cucumbers and does her laundry. Can this be real?



We're about to find out what a hand job looks like in a zero gravity chamber. Vanessa is worried that she is going to puke or shit herself or both. She's mortified because she's going to throw up. Oh, good, she managed to get it into a flight bag. Nick is chewing gum while she pukes. They have just fallen in love in zero gravity, which is about how much weight this or any other relationship has on this show. Now Vanessa and Nick are on top of...what? The space needle? The LA mountain range? This show is so not grounded in any specific geography, just like the women aren't really that individualized, neither is the guy. It's all blobby, generic.  I do not think that Vanessa is the one, even though she's making him cry because she shared  a story about her dead grandfather. He gives her the rose and they sway above the New York skyline? Montana?

Stop screaming, ladies. Second group date. They're at a track to do something painful, I imagine. Three Olympic athletes show up, including one who does not look like an athlete. Carl Lewis is one, and so is Michelle Carter--oh, she's a shot-put athlete. Though she has been told they are doing something athletic, Astrid has forgotten to wear a sports bra and hurts herself with her own breasts (thanks, Emily!). Lots of adorable women. First, the long jump. Second, jumping over a pole. Third, javelin throw. Results are in. The loose boob runner gets the time with Nick in the hot tub in her non-sports bra.

Astrid is wearing a super strange black and white pant suit. Dominique is crying because she doesn't feel like she's been noticed. The other girls try to counsel her to get out of her head. And yet, she finds no way to speak to him. He kisses one of the black women while the other black woman waits in the background. She finally gets time with him, and she tells him that she doesn't feel like he wasn't giving her a fair chance. Instead of coming across as herself, she's coming across as super needy and mean. Why do they keep saying she's getting in her head? He tells her that she should probably go home. She goes. He thinks she's amazing, but he doesn't see an engagement with her. The one rose will go to Rachel, because it's MLK day. Please, please let him fall in love with a not-white girl. It will never happen.



Instead of a cocktail party, they will have a pool party. They are all running to shave their private parts. Corinne's nanny has set up a princess bouncy castle. Corinne straddles him and Dan is worried that when she gets up, she will have a wet spot on her bikini.  Is Corinne always drunk? I feel like she's purposefully an airhead. Raven has definitely had a boob job. She nanny-tattles on Corinne. Vanessa questions his intentions and she accuses him of riding her. We have to wait until next week to see more fake drama!



No comments: