Nick, the poet turned super model

Missed last week, but I don't think it matters. I feel guilty writing about fluff when the country is going to hell. I'll do it anyway.

QQ (quick question): does Nick wear an invis-align-type retainer? It sounds like he has a slight lisp, the kind only brought on by elective dental work. Nick has been given a serious make-over. Remember him from Andi's season, with his wild hair, fey posture, and puppy dog eyes? Remember how he used to wear women's scarves?

Now, he's had his hair fluffed, his beard grown in, and his body resculpted to Ken-doll perfection. I don't think his legs even bend anymore.

Will he still write poetry for the women? The shoe is on the other foot now--he gets to be pursued rather than pursuing. Truthfully, I liked him in the other seasons because he wasn't the typical beefcake. Now, they have turned him into one. Will the English major still shine through the hair gel and 3 hour-a day-gym regime? It remains to be seen.

Dan says that Nick is a play-ah. We revisit the women, all of whom sort of look the same--long hair, thin bodies, hair severely parted, huge hoop earrings, multiple unfortunate piercings, one choker so far. A few who have very slight resemblances to celebrities.

Group date night: For some reason, the women have to run wherever they go. They are being forced to dress as brides and pose with Nick. The purposefully creepy photographer with the fake Spanish accent tells them to bring their A game.The one annoyingly Southern girl is bragging about how she has kissed him already. Another girl is dressed as Eve from the garden of Eden, wearing long hair over her tits and a leafy bikini bottom.  Sarah, the Las Vegas girl, is cute and super photogenic. She's a grade school teacher/model.  Shotgun wedding girl, the aspiring dolphin trainer, is also photogenic. The rest of this scene is dull. Am I over this? Corinne congratulates herself on being able to take her off her top in front of Nick. The photographer has chosen...the topless woman. She gets to have more pictures on the back of the car and then they plow into the women who are standing around pretending not to be jealous.

Later that night, they are all gathered together wearing cocktail dresses. Corinne takes him aside to make out in a shell-shaped wicker seat with a canopy. She is falling and falling and falling, as she says, and she hopes the feelings grow stronger and stronger and stronger. She's the drunk one.Oh, look, he kissed the black girl. He's kissing all of the girls. They seem to all be from the Souths. Nick finds Raven's honesty to be refreshing.

The other thing that's happening is that the women are at home wearing sexy glasses.

ZZZZZZZZ. Corinne is trying to stir up shit to have more air time. She says, "Guys, we are all here for the same thing. It's going to get crazy. You're going to make your friends and non-friends feel weird. But you have to be there for yourself. Because you are here for Nick and that's it." Nick gives out the rose to...Corinne. The other women are devastated. This is phony. Nick tells them to all sleep well. She is darling. She says that she feels really good about getting the rose. The other women say nothing and wonder if they should have taken their shirts off. She refers to herself in the third person. Now they are wondering if she is here for the right reasons and if Nick likes someone who is just leading with her sexuality, then "no wonder it's his fourth time" (on the show).

9 a.m in the morning., time for wine. Corinne is talking to her twin, this other blond girl.

Cue helicopter and one-on-one date with Danielle, who has curled the first two chunks of her hair only. Nick offers her champagne. He takes out his retainer before taking a sip. Doula/Liz slices tomatoes and confesses that she had sex with Nick at a C-list celebrity's wedding. She decides to tell someone secretly while being filmed. She confesses Christine, who is very cute and has huge boobs and a very round face. Christine does not know what to do with this information, so she puts on a giant leopard headband. How long before she doesn't defy stereotypes and tells someone else on the show?

Danielle is a neo-natal nurse. They are having drinks at an abandoned theme park. No other people around. No bugs even. There probably is a waterfall somewhere. Danielle pretends to have never heard of him before. His story about being rejected by two women leads her to give a confession about her fiance who committed suicide. Nick squeezes her hand in sympathy. He lets her know that he doesn't think less of her, but actually likes her more now, knowing that she was engaged to a suicidal drug addict. He says it was very brave of her to be with someone who was shooting up and hiding it. Of course he has to give her the rose, even though she just doused water on the entire date with her sad story. Then they have to go on a Ferris wheel so he can kiss her (after he takes out his retainer).

We have to watch another group date before we can even think about going to bed. Group date at the Museum of Broken Relationships in LA, where Nick's rejected engagement ring and a dried up rose are kept under glass. Of course, one of the women does want to break up with him because she slept with him at that wedding. Why is she on this show? She has taken notes in her notebook and so she's ready. She tells her real story and only Christine knows that it's true. She is speaking from the heart and we hope that he sees her for the good person that she is. He won't though. He can think of nothing to say. Now he will have to confess that it's all true. Nick says that her performance made him uncomfortable and he will have to send her home (probably). He's a runner. He must have slept with, I'd say, one hundred or more women since first being on TV. She's an old story. He wants shiny and new. Christine lets him know that she knows. He keeps leaning farther and farther away from her as his level of discomfort rises.

He will now have a moment with Liz to tell her that she should get off the show, because he thinks that she is using the past as a way to get on TV. And the thing is that he is on TV and is playing the game too. She explains that she didn't feel like talking to him on the phone and wanted to see him in person to see if they had a connection. This was the only way that she could think of to see him--on television. While being filmed. He sends her home. Good day to you, sir. She seems floored, but you can't totally blame him.  Now he will have to tell the women everything. No one will give a shit. This is ridiculous. It's not like he had sex with her the day before the show. To be continued..Tears, whispering, and wine.