No Rhyme Nor Reason

For whatever reason, this super beautiful girl is into this super redneck wearing a flag for a pair of swim trunks. Pretty much all they do is make out in pool and she lets the curtain of her hair fall over his sunburned, cross-eyed face. Again, I feel bad for these cast members who have to pretend to care about any of this.

Samantha claims that she, as a human being, would never plot against another human being. After she says this, they show secret footage of her as human being, plotting. She looks like she stepped off the pages of Vogue, circa 1962. She has really long hair and a wide mouth and should be wearing white lipstick and go-go boots.

Everyone is upset because they feel like Juelia (who can't spell her name) has been played by Joe and that it was super unfair because she has a dead husband and a baby girl. Like, it might have been okay if she was single and no one died.

This new girl has arrived. Her name is Amber and she is of indiscriminate ethnicity (i.e. sort of black). Amber, of course, picks Dan who was supposed to be in love with Ashley who is a portrayed as the strange one, but all I've seen that is weird is that she uses the word literally too much. Like literally every second. Ashley will be kicked off the show. Literally. With a kick. They show footage of playing with a sand crab, in direct contrast to the woman last night who squealed when she saw a crab on a rock.

Megan and JJ go on a date. Megan is the one who was afraid of the crab. She has a black feather tattooed on her arm. She may or may not be wearing false eyelashes. JJ was for certain a member of the young Republicans of America. They go on a jet ski and she can't stop smiling. Back on the boat, they cuddle up and he stars at her fake breasts. Dolphins have been paid (in fish) to swim next to the boat.

Ashley may have had one too many Coronas. They show her going to talk to the birds. I mean, who cares? She likes animals. I mean, who cares?

Dan and Amber go on a date where she has to climb up a ladder in a short skirt for some reason. Dan wears a white pressed shirt tucked into jeans. The locals force them to kiss and fireworks go off. My Dan says, "Hey, that's what happens to us when we kiss."  Dan the TV person is crazily shiny in this lamplight.  He has his hair down in the style of a 1930s movie star, lots of gel and product and a serious part. My Dan says some more inappropriate things about what's going on under the table, that I will not retype here. Dan says he didn't expect that the conversation would keep going or that they would keep kissing or that it would be this intense and exciting and that he would sweat this much. Is she getting his sweat on her face? Is his beard sweaty? MD says that he hopes their next day will be going food shopping at Shop Rite (that's what are date nights involve).

Well, almost time for the rose ceremony. Going home will be Juelia and Ashley, even though she's the most entertaining. I don't know who else will be on the chopping block, because I can't remember who else is on fantasy island.

Once again, the guys have to stand around and drink things out of coconuts and pretend to give a crap that Joe knew Samantha prior to coming to the show. Samantha seems to be made of wax. JJ might threaten to beat up Joe. JJ confronts him and Joe gets up to leave, but then he sits back down again  JJ says that Joe lied to their faces. Joe calls JJ dumb for a banker. JJ calls Joe out for always making circular references. Jared is shocked that he likes JJ better than Jared. JJ wantsw to be the crap out of Joe because that's the better way to solve problems.

No rose ceremony. Damn.