Taming the Cast

When we last left our heroes and heroines, some people were making out and others were upset because they were not being made out with and then even others were leaving the show for unexplained reasons, which may or may not have had to do with making out.

I just learned that someone's job is "cast handler." What a job. How much handling does a person need? Is this person a licensed cast handler or a free lance cast handler? And who would you ever assign to Puck ('member him?).

The first thing we learn is that Michelle, who I don't recall at all, was interested in one of the microphone guys. He came to her room, she almost got caught with him, and ended up jumping off the balcony to avoid getting caught and broke both his legs. His name in real life? Ryan Putz.

Chris B. has been invited to the show and allowed to pick whichever hot babe he wants. I don't like the looks of Chris B. Or any of these guys, really, except for Marcel. All of the other dudes are blond, scruffy, and look like they smell like heavy coconut oil barely masking the stench of excessive armpit odor.

The super beautiful Lacey has glommed on to the early-ly balding guy (Marcus) and Robert is very upset by her lack of fidelity to him. They are holding hands and starring into each others eyes and not having anything at all to talk about. He wears a piece of twine around his neck, like he just finished working at UPS and ripped off his shirt.

Meanwhile, back in the hut, Clare gets a date with Chris and they are given twin massages by twin island boys. We don't actually get to see the faces of the masseuses, just their arms, because they are not part of the plot (unless they jump off a balcony at some point). Chris admits he's been a player, but would love to settle down with the right girl or girls if she or they come along.

Lacey and Marcus are having an amazing time, just amazing. It's almost like love at first sight, they think. She is stunningly beautiful, but both of them are total corn dogs. They kiss in front of exactly 1,000 candles from IKEA. No ones hair catches a-flame, unfortunately.

Back at the other hut, they are all doing shots and licking each others' faces. Elise is drinking too much and flirting with Dylan while still kissing some guy in the ocean. Graham and Clare and Michelle and Robert watch on. Sarah, where have you gone? Is anyone talking to Sarah or what?

Wouldn't it be great if two of the guys feel in love? Can't that please happen?

Elise is saying how she thinks her making out with Chris in the ocean is just a turning point in relationship with Dylan. She tells Dylan that she hooked up with this guy, but she was thinking about him the whole time. He says, "That doesn't make sense, think about what you're saying." She is being portrayed as stupid. She just said, "You are literally killing me right now." I guess she said that because he's stabbing her with a knife. Or is it because he's strangling her? Or is it because he's sitting there staring at her in disbelief?

This one guy gets a date card and he asks Clare to go with him. I have never seen him before. I think his name is Zack--Clare is cute and annoying and horrible and amazing. She says, "I felt his connection in the ocean." Good one, Clare!

Most overused word on the show is the word "connection."

Sarah is still being ignored. She gets to stay one more week because the women pick the men this time.

Elise has decide to visualize herself with Dylan. She is telling herself stories about how it's going to work out, right, right??? Is she from California?

Chris thinks they should call Dylan Fat Damon, as in, he looks a bit like Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting, only fatter. Mean streak for Chris, which you can see almost immediately in his foxy, pointed face and slicked back hair.

Dylan asks Sarah to go with him. Sarah could get a prosthetic arm. I mean, she probably shouldn't and she should probably be okay with her body the way that it is, but are they asking her not to wear the arm? Or does she not want to wear the arm? I guess I am wondering if this is just a sensationalistic thing. Sarah goes to talk to Elise about the date. Suddenly, Elise says that she sees Sarah as her best friend and she thinks she would be the best one to go with Dyaln, as he could never possibly be really interested in her, the one-armed girl. Is anyone in disability studies chatting about this at all?

What the hell has AshLee been doing this whole time? And Marquel? And Ben?

Dylan tells Sarah that he didn't ask her by default, he asked her because he's hoping he can schmooze her enough to get a rose from her, so that next week, he can be back on top to pick.

The cast wrangler has planted a love note in Ben's bag and Marcus "found" it. Marquel and Marcus go to confront him after he's had twenty drinks. This should go well. Marcus tells Ben that he was brushing his teeth and accidentally dropped his toothbrush into Ben's suitcase and then discovered this note at the bottom of the bag under his hair gel. They are about to chest bump each other. Both are wearing competing necklace made of rope, perhaps with a tooth or a gall stone at the end? Ben does not deny it--but it's someone he met three weeks ago. He doesn't think it's a big deal. He will be going home. The women rage about it, because he is obviously not on the show for the right reasons. Ben is forced to wear his baseball hat backwards and to leave the show to get back to his girlfriend in Dallas. Does that mean that no guys will go home? Michelle is crying because she could've met someone better in his place. Has she not noticed that they keep adding new guys and gals all the time?

For the final rose ceremony, Michelle wears a Cleopatra headdress and asks some guy if he thinks she drinks too much. Sarah says that she's worried that she shouldn't pick Dylan because Elise will be mad and Dylan reminds her that she didn't come on the show to meet her best friend. Dylan pulls Elise aside and tells her to be real and that he sees her as a friend. She puzzles over this...He says, Don't hold back with Chris because they are going to be just friends. Elise still doesn't get it and is still unsure what he means when he tells her he wouldn't accept a rose from her and then gives her a hug and squeezes her ass. Only as a friend though.

Final Rose Ceremony Drama with Real Emotion and Real Connections

Someone picks someone.

Someone else picks Graham.AshLee?

Clare picks Zach/k.

Michelle picks Marquel to be her Anthony. He wears adorable nerd glasses.

Elise picks Dylan. He does not accept the rose. BRAVE. He tries to give her a hug. She says thank you and then launches into a speech about how everyone here deserves 100%. She says that she knows that he knows that life brings a lot of things. Ups and downs, and she knows that herself and every woman here needs a man to be there for her through thick and thin, sickness and in health, bikinis and thongs They play circus music during her speech. She picks Chris as her second choice.

Sarah will pick Dylan, who has played this game well and she did not! She picked Robert. That means Dylan has to go home. Whoops, Dylan, you don't get to stay. He says that he thinks Elise is out of her mind. He is bummed that Sarah passed on him. He is admirable, at least. I mean, in this context, he is.