Paradise Lost

I have a sense that we will be seeing a lot of linen in this season. Linen and flip flops and chest hair. So far, we have been re-introduced to Clare (villian from Juan Pablo season), Marcus and Marquel from Andi's season and Sara, also from Juan Pablo and also with the one arm missing. It's hard not to be distracted by it, which shows how much we don't see that many differently abled people in TV land. Here comes a very curvy woman named Lacy and all the guys love her because she's big-breasted. None of the men look familiar to me. Clare hopes that the guys aren't douche-y. Cue the entrance of the biggest jerk of all--Ben (don't recall him at all). Will anyone drown? I think I like Clare the best and I don't care if she's a phony. More  blondes and scruffy faces added to the mix. Not one girl with any ethnicity to speak of--and one black guy. The women look very similar--mostly blondes and the guys are not nearly as hot. Chris explains the rules--only one guy gets to take his shirt off and only one woman gets to wear a bikini, but all the men get to wear gold necklaces. Seven women and six guys--one of the women will be going home at the end of this week while all the men get to stay. How will gender politics play into this?

I wish AshLee knew how to spell her name. She's into Graham, who she finds to be dreamy and who I find to be in need of having his ears pinned back. Lacy goes right into the ocean and wraps her legs around Ben or one of other guys--it's difficult to tell the men apart. Marcus isn't over Andi, so he has to go stare into the surf and hopefully be joined by someone with bodacious ta-tas. He puts on his tight orange speedos and attacks the waves. Oh, luckily, he is immediately joined by Lacy who will relinquish her pink bikini to anyone who evenly slightly suggests skinny dipping. Everyone is pairing up, including these two indistinguishable bods in the water and I am wondering why they have Sara on the show--like, are these guys so very very progressive that they will be able to look past this difference when faced with six other model-like choices? This show seems to be more about how shallow people can be than how much they will be open to difference.

It looks like the first date card goes to Clare, who I am again starting to not like again. She decides to ask out...Graham and I don't get it. AshLee starts crying and she is so mad at him for not saying no. Hi, you've known him for less than a day. She will no longer talk to Clare either who is now crying. A raccoon comes out to see her crying. Stop crying, women. Why are the producers making it seem like she is talking to a raccoon? Not nice. Okay, here we go, the women are all crazy, back stabbing criers and the men are oblivious meat heads.

Clare decides that she won't go on the date with Graham because AshLee is upset. AshLee says that she won't let Clare take someone else and she won't take the date herself and then when Graham wants to talk to her, she pretends like she can't hear him just like I did in seventh grade with Steve Crossett when he didn't sit next to me in youth choir. I like Clare again. This is a rocky road that I'm on with Clare. She chooses Robert to go to the ruins with her. Robert gets bitten by red ants and is forced to take his shirt off. Clare says, "I'm literally speechless." I refuse to point out that if she were literally speechless, she wouldn't even be able to tell us that. She changes into a bikini that might have a thong bottom and and they are forced to frolic in the ocean.

The women keep saying how weird it is that have never asked a guy out on a date. Sara asks Marcus if he would like to go. Lacy is upset because both the guys she likes went on dates with other girls. Sara has to strip down to her one piece bathing suit. She has a slightly boyish figure. He asks her if she can swim and she says, Kind of. They jump in together.  Will he touch her at all? Well, she goes ahead and asks him for a kiss and he obliges. When Robert returns from his date with Clare, Lacy tells him that she's upset because both of the guys she likes got dates. I mean, good for her that she told him that she likes two guys but bad for her for crying a little. That's three women crying to none of the guys.

A super hot surprise girl shows up to make it even more unbalanced--eight women to six dudes! She is also white, big breasted and has two arms.

AshLee apologizes to Graham for acting like a third grader and all the ladies just thinks he's the nicest guy ever. He says he thinks communication is important and he gives her a hug while she bats her false eyelashes and talks in a baby voice.

I don't know who this new girl is--Michelle from Brad's season and she's insecure about her age, her stretch marks and her nine year old daughter, she says in that order. She asks Marquel if he would like to ride her on this date--tee hee! They will go horseback riding and he will ride the white horse. Really. Marquel takes to it. He sits with Michelle on the beach and tells her that she seems like a real girl. Cue shot of an iguana.

Marcus says that he likes Sara okay, but he really wants to make out with Lacy. Lacy has to do eenie-meanie to decide who to go out with. She says that she's "80-40." Third dumb remark from a woman. Marcus feels crappy about not getting picked, so he might give his rose to Sara because he likes her okay. Lacy piles her hair on her head and Marcus again stares out into the surf. Robert says that he loves romance and he loves feeling those feelings for the girl that he's going to marry. Dylan gives Marcus some bad advice about not following his instincts and playing hard to get. Marcus goes to bed and tosses and turns on an itchy Indian blanket.

First Ever Paradise Rose Ceremony 

All the women are insecure because it's the last cocktail party before the first final rose ceremony and two girls are on the chopping block. Chris reminds everyone of the rules and lets the women know that two of them will be put back on a boat to America tonight. But like, what if one guy picks the girl that the seven other people need want to date? Clare says she doesn't want to leave "Clare-a-dise." Don't like her again.

Sara goes, "It's really hard when their are only six guys and three of them are wife-d up tonight." She asks Marcus what he wants to do, and he lies to her and says that he thinks she deserves a rose because she only has one arm. That's pretty much what the subtext was. Please discuss this trope of pitying but not seeing value in the woman with one full arm among your friends and family now.

Lacy is going for it with Robert while at the same time giving Marcus a come hither look. Marcus doesn't want to give a rose to Sara because he can't imagine being with her and Marquel advises him to go ahead and not give the rose to a person who only has one hand to hold. Why not have a guy with a noticeable physical difference and I don't mean skin color?

Ding, ding, ding. Go ahead, guys.

Marquel starts to give out a rose and the other Michelle interrupts the show and volunteers to leave the country because she thinks they're all duds and plus she's engaged to someone else. Okay, now only one will go home and it will probably be Sara or Danielle.

Marquel picks Michelle, the late comer.

Graham is forced to pick AshLee in fear for his life. Lightning strikes. He chooses her.

Dylan, who hasn't talked to anyone, picks Elise who "literally would've said I love you to him already except it's too soon."

Marcus will pick Lacy, leaving Robert to have to pick Clare.

Robert is shocked that Marcus picked her even though she point blank told him she likes two guys. CLARE. Of course.

Ben will pick Danielle and not Sara and that will make him look like a shallow jerk. "This sucks," he says, realizing his predicament All right, he picks Sara instead, even though she will go home next time, probably.