The Big Season Finale: 3 hours you will never get back

I unfortunately (fortunately?) missed a month's worth of Bachelorette episodes because I was away with my writing friends, trying to drain my brain of pop culture nonsense like this, but am back for the season finale, and ready to be more stupid. Or more stupider? I no longer know, three seconds in. But you guys, this episode is three hours LONG so I may not get through it all. The dog was itchy last night and we barely slept.  How much money are they making on this? She comes out to waste time talking to Chris live and wearing glittery gray eye shadow. Dan goes, "Oh, she got fat" (she did not).  Who is this Pete and is he from Game of Thrones? They have to decide if they're going to do the fantasy suite, as if anyone ever says no.  They skip the whole bedtime and just show the two of them the next morning in robes with no glitter make up on and him shirtless with a bad tattoo with Chinese characters that spell out "The Mooch." He doesn't even know it!

Now she's riding a horse with the brown-haired guy who thinks he did great, but Rachel seems to hate him because he keeps saying how great he did. Every once in a while, we get to see the live Rachel watching the show in a tiny box. Then we have to see Chris try to make something of the scene we just watched. It's meta. Is it?

What was the bomb that Peter dropped? It will remain a mystery to me as I don't even have the desire to Google it.

Will she and Bryan go to the fantasy suite? Of course! "One-thousand percent," says Bryan. He's been waiting to break a wall that Rachel has built up. Mmm-hmm.

I find her long eyelashes to be disconcerting. They are five inches at least. You can see them even when you're looking at the back of her head.

Blah, blah, blah with Chris. Please never do this again, BBC, or whatever station this is. Next morning with Bryan and all of Rachel's questions have been answered. What happened to the overnight date with Eric? She is beautiful without make-up so why the lashes?

For the last rose ceremony she wears a sheer red curtain with sleeves made out of electric tape. Belted. I feel like she's going to send Eric home. She doesn't know where her relationship is with Peter, but boy, can he rock a pocket handkerchief. They are trying to make us think that she's going to send Peter home, so maybe she won't? This is what passes for suspense. First rose goes to: Bryan. Duh, no duh, though I don't like him, and not because he's a chiropractor, though kind of for that exact reason. Second rose goes to...Peter. She's sending the black dude home, as I thought. Eric is disappointed, but Rachel feels like they don't have a connection and she doesn't think he's ready for marriage. Eric is gracious and says thank you for allowing him to open his heart. He will always love her. She burns him one last time by not letting him kiss her on the mouth. Eric says, I'm going to miss her, bro. He's sweet but does seem young. They will not discuss race.

Eric is waiting in the wings, with much better groomed facial hair than ever before. He is a handsome man. I don't want to watch any of this part of the show. It's boring. Eric says he's doing phenomenal. I feel like she missed out. Especially if she ends up with Bryan. Also, please don't ever let her get a boob job.

Cut to six hours later, Rachel walking through the woods, Bryan also walking through the woods, and Peter staring out the window, thinking about his next tattoo.

She runs toward Bryan and I am happy to say that she doesn't leap into his arms and knock him over. He reminds me of an ex-boyfriend who I do not like. Bryan's from Florida, and really, I can only see him on the beach, drinking margaritas and flirting with everyone in sight. Lastly, I am not into men who wear leather jackets. They go up in the proverbial hot air balloon. Who will bring it down? That part is edited out so they can make out on a sofa.

Next comes Peter and they get advice about their relationship from someone who hasn't ever been with another person (a priest). They are trying to make us think that Peter is not the one because he's reluctant. He says that he can completely see them at football games and baseball games and the farmer's market. He says that marriage doesn't scare him, but that having multiple marriages scares him. He doesn't want to move too fast. She gives him a flat stare.

What the hell can happen in the remaining two hours? She goes to see Peter in his room. He refuses to tell her that she's the one. He wants to continue seeing her, but he can't commit to asking to be married to her. He's at least being honest, because the show is ridiculous in making the claim that you would meet the love of your life in nine weeks while competing with 22 other guys and spending hardly any time with her.

I think I will go to bed now. Let me know how it turns out.