Why I Have Not Been Blogging

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How's this for an excuse?


That is the right humerus bone in my body that I snapped in two while staying at John and Patty's for Thanksgiving. People keep asking me how I did it. I've tried different versions of the story--saving a bunch of orphans and kittens while on roller skates from a marble factory that was burning down, ultimate fighting battle, knocking old ladies out of my way to be the first into Macy's--but the truth is that I cracked it by missing the bed--thought I was jumping into it, but was really only jumping near it and effectively cracking my bone in the process. It honestly didn't/doesn't hurt that much. Amazing. But it's irritating. Because I can't do lots of things, like write, or type very well, or brush my teeth that great, or do crossword puzzles, or open wine bottles, or shave my legs or armpits, or cut my food, or use chopsticks, or take out the recycling, or bite the fingernails of my right hand or tie my shoes or put on a bra and even getting the splint on and off is a problem. I'd like to write to the guy who made the protective cover (it's not in a cast; it's this expensive plastic thing) and ask him how he would suggest someone with only one mobile hand should be able to read an attachment that's three inches long and falls behind her back? The other pain in the ass is that I have to sleep on my back until it heals completely. Try sleeping on your back. It feels as though you are going to be attacked at any moment (which would be true if I were letting the cats sleep with me. I can't. They're banished to the basement.

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