But Call Me Betsy

1. Arie asks one of the women to marry him. She goes, "Oh, you're sweet! Let's break up." 2. Arie asks none of the women to marry him. They go, "You suck! My mother was right about you." 3. Arie decides he is in love with Kendall or the theater major, even though they've been sent home to stuff dead pets/audition for Peter Pan . 4. Arie decides he would rather roll the dice on the paradise episodes and so we're back to #2 as he sends both ladies packing. 5. Another ex-boyfriend shows up and reveals that he's already engaged to Lauren or the other one. 6. I get bored and go to bed and we never find out what happens. 7. One of the women gets bitten by a llama and has to have a leg amputated, forcing Arie to choose her even though he'd rather have the two-legged woman. Turns out Arie's dad is British-ish and/or his dentures are loose. Does dad have a speech impediment? No problem if he does. Is this Arie's sister or someone fr...

This is the episode where they pretend there's even a tiny speck of dust of doubt that they might not go to the fantasy suite. They always say yes. First date goes to Kendall, the taxidermist who is too weird for him, and who I like. Their fantasy suite is being held in a tiki hut that she made out of birds nests. Kendall is not sure how to take the next step with Arie. She wants him to see her for her, not her for stuffing dead animals. She wears a red knitted pantsuit made out of the pelts of rare crimson aardvarks. He says he's never dated a girl who plays the ukulele or who has skinned and mounted raccoons on corkboard. I feel like she's going home.  Will Kendall be the first person to reject the sex card???? Uh...No, come on, people, have you never seen this show? Have I mentioned that I am not a fan of audible kisses that actually sound like the word "smooch?" Kendall is incredibly lovely. She has that all American blond good cheerleader looks, li...

I missed last week because I couldn't be bothered. I heard the theater major went home, and I'm sure two to three sincere tears were shed, just like when she had to play Laura in the high school version of The Glass Menagerie . I wish her well. I can't wait to see what Weiner, Arkansas is like. Who will have a jealous older sister? Which mom will have had the most work done? Does Kendall have a twin sister like in Sweet Valley High? Why did I just now notice that Arie has an arm tattoo that looks like the license plate of the first car he raced? Kendall is first. He cradles her head to his head as if she were a baby. She takes him to her taxidermy/serial killer barn. She killed so many lizards and turtles and worn down bobcats. (She is not going to make it to the fantasy suite. She brings him to a romantic date where they stuff the skinned body of white rats. Who doesn't love that? I can't tell you how many times I've fallen in love over the carcass of a d...

Oh, okay, a little late in the game, but we're in a motorboat on the Seine, passing what appears to be the New York Public Library. It's a one-on-one date with Lauren. They have nothing to talk about as they pass cheese. She's holding a copy of Colette in her hand. She could ask him some questions. They pass many French people and tourists sitting on benches. Arie worries that Lauren is not into him. That would be great. She is super beautiful. He's wearing a denim shirt as if he is going to a rodeo. Night falls. Back at the house. The women are wrapped in white blankets and living in something that looks like an underwater aquarium. I just saw a manatee swim by the giant windows.  Back in the nightlife, Arie takes Lauren to a brassiere. In French, that's a bra fitting place. She has perfect dental work and lashes like the woman in that movie about exotic dancers. Showgirls ! Arie gives a serious talk about a partner who had a miscarriage and then moved out. H...

Here's the thing: I thought the state of the disunion was tonight and the show would be cancelled so I ate cereal and read a book instead of watching the show. I have an idea that I should live blog during the address as though it were an episode of The Bachelor . "You are all getting roses! Every last one of you. Nobody's leaving here with outta a rose and a MAGA hat." MAGA always makes me think of condoms because of Magnums. So many other things MAGA could stand for: Make America Gay Again (I'd support that), Men Are Giant Asses, Make America Greedy Again, My Aunt Got Alzheimers. Oh, wait, we are back. They're in the bottom of a ship filled with boats. I won't comment on what she's wearing, but he is wearing a J. Crew jacket with a checked button up Chaps shirt under it and slacks. Really, the guys don't have to try at all. Somehow, the producers have figured out how to set a scene, but not how to have fans going so Arie doesn't sweat and h...

Their journey is changing now. They are leaving wherever they are (a studio in LA? New Mexico? A villa in New Jersey?) to go to--wait for it....Lake Tahoe! Squeal! Home of geese and black bears and mountain tops. If this whole thing doesn't catapult Arie into fame, he could always get a job replacing the handsome Trivago guy or doing svelte Viagra ads. Cue the faux bearskin rugs stapled onto wood paneling. Cue a large stone fireplace and ship-lack (perhaps Chip and Joanna from Fixer Upper will come and restore the rooms to give the cabin a more open concept and a floating kitchen cabinet). One on one date with one of the African American women. He drives her away in a red jeep to get on a red boat called the ZCR (I guess that's the frat he belonged to. Zeta Chi Rau). They are doing that thing where they go up in parachutes behind a boat. Sienne is handling it well. Para-sailing. The women back at the cabin hope they will fall in the water. Tee-hee. Someone did say t...

Why do the women sprawl together on the coach with their legs intertwined, wearing J. Crew pajamas and holding mugs from IKEA? One woman appears to be clutching a mini-milk pitcher. The group date names are announced. This theme is "It's all about the ring." Dan guesses boxing or wrestling. What I wouldn't give for abs like they have. Really. Every single one of them has a six-pack. I have...the opposite. A fluffy pack? A teddy bear pack? This episode is sponsored by Luluemon. Yes, it's female wrestling. The women admit they have never wrestled before. Dan says, "This is so demeaning." Arie stands with a jacket slung over his shoulder like a Sears model. Two real/fake female wrestlers step into the ring, one dressed like she's from the Grecian era and the other dressed like an extra from a Pink Floyd video. Billy Joel's daughter is not interested in doing any of this. What a disaster. The lady from Arkansas is crying because the GLOW lady insul...