But Call Me Betsy

Why do the women sprawl together on the coach with their legs intertwined, wearing J. Crew pajamas and holding mugs from IKEA? One woman appears to be clutching a mini-milk pitcher. The group date names are announced. This theme is "It's all about the ring." Dan guesses boxing or wrestling. What I wouldn't give for abs like they have. Really. Every single one of them has a six-pack. I have...the opposite. A fluffy pack? A teddy bear pack? This episode is sponsored by Luluemon. Yes, it's female wrestling. The women admit they have never wrestled before. Dan says, "This is so demeaning." Arie stands with a jacket slung over his shoulder like a Sears model. Two real/fake female wrestlers step into the ring, one dressed like she's from the Grecian era and the other dressed like an extra from a Pink Floyd video. Billy Joel's daughter is not interested in doing any of this. What a disaster. The lady from Arkansas is crying because the GLOW lady insul...

Recall that we left the last episode on a cliff hanger, which I guess is the TV station's way of asking us to return. One of the dudes who already had a girlfriend has returned to beg for another chance. Rachel explains that she's looking for a man, not a boy. He's a boy for not telling the truth when she confronted him. He leaves with a shine of tears in his eyes. She is poised, classy, articulate.  The men high-five at her moxie. A guy shows up with huge hands which I guess he either added to his carrying on or fashioned out of existing sheets from the Radisson. The skin tone is slightly brown to show that he is sensitive. Another guy in a bow tie illustrates his intelligence by not quite solving a Rubric's cube. Another by showing pictures of his ten year old daughter. Blake can't swallow the nonsense of the Howdy Doody guy who has one hounds tooth jacket that he can't stop wearing. Lucas is his name and he claims Blake has been standing over him while he...

Three dental hygienists/entrepreneurs/software tuners in search of true love. Let's start with twenty minutes of recaps so that we can be reminded of who is who and be made to feel like they've gone on fifty first dates instead of two twenty minute interactions on the beach. As an aside, don't you just bet that there's a S & M movie out there called Fifty Fist Dates ? I am afraid to Google it. Hey, I forgot that JoJo showed up in a unicorn mask. You're right, producers, that changes everything. This is the fantasy suite episode, where they get to choose whether or not they will spend all night together in the Holiday Inn Deluxe in Jamaica. The suspense factor is zero, because no one in the history of The Bachelor/ette has ever turned down an overnight date card. I did not fact check that statement, but I'm fairly certain I'm right. First over night date with Caila who he describes as bubbly and exuberant (difference being?). First, they take a quie...

Lace/Sarah Silverman is hoping for the date card, confessing that she was so drunk that first night that she wasn't herself (she says, taking a huge sip of morning chardonnay) and steam-ironing her dress while also using hair spray. She accidentally blows off her eyebrows. My question is how she got a haircut between the first show and this one? The first group date is at an elementary school.The girls  wear short-shorts or tights masquerading as pants. They are in a competition to make Ben explode. Chris Harrison actually said that. The girls put on lab goggles and Dan says something that I can't type here. Now they are being forced to bob for apples and kiss each other on the mouth to pass the fruit. This is very much like a porn movie. Next, their group intelligence is tested by having them try to find Indiana on the map. Even the girl from South Bend is unsure. Now, they have to wear men's underwear on their heads and shoot baskets. None of them make it. Finally, sl...

Have you see the preview ad for this latest iteration? If not, it is set to  a song by an early 80s band (The Weather Girls?) to the tune of "It's Raining Men," except cleverly enough, they've changed the word "men" to "Ben," the name of the new Bachelor . Get it?? "It's raining, Ben!" How many meetings did they have before they settled on that concept? "What about 'Come as you are/As you were/As a friend/as a Ben/as an old frenemy?'" Dan goes, "Wait, isn't this the guy who looks like Donny Osmond?" Yes, exactly.  Ben  keeps saying that he has small town values, which makes me think he loves Jesus. We see him looking out onto an Indiana field wearing a mint green shirt from Marshalls. His parents have been married for 30 plus years and Mom advises him to not take rejection so personally. Dad says that he shouldn't feel unloved by women because he could meet someone like his Mom and the...

For whatever reason, this super beautiful girl is into this super redneck wearing a flag for a pair of swim trunks. Pretty much all they do is make out in pool and she lets the curtain of her hair fall over his sunburned, cross-eyed face. Again, I feel bad for these cast members who have to pretend to care about any of this. Samantha claims that she, as a human being, would never plot against another human being. After she says this, they show secret footage of her as human being, plotting. She looks like she stepped off the pages of Vogue, circa 1962. She has really long hair and a wide mouth and should be wearing white lipstick and go-go boots. Everyone is upset because they feel like Juelia (who can't spell her name) has been played by Joe and that it was super unfair because she has a dead husband and a baby girl. Like, it might have been okay if she was single and no one died. This new girl has arrived. Her name is Amber and she is of indiscriminate ethnicity (i.e. sor...

I hope in the next season of The Bachelor , the man cries as much as Kaitlyn is crying, those heaving, sobs of regret for being attracted to more than one person at a time. Shawn, with the slicked back blond hair and beer bottle in the giant paw of his hand, says that he's not sure he can do this. He asks Kaitlyn if she's in love with him and she says, "I'm falling in love with you?" They make out. She cries. He goes and sits out on the steps in his denim jeans, his forehead super wrinkly, because that's how worried he is. Worried like a Shar Pei. Next, Kaitlyn goes on a double date with JJ, the investment banker and Joe, who she thinks is hilarious and I think looks like he shoots guns at beer cans. He wears a denim shirt with a down vest over it. They go on a boat and Kaitlyn is hoping that Joe will speak from the heart and that JJ will not talk too much about his three year old daughter. One of these guys must go home. JJ says that he's really fal...