But Call Me Betsy

This is my psychic prediction for the show. The best would be if he picked one of the women and she said, No thanks, but that never happens. Dan's mom is visiting tonight and she's never seen the show, so when Dan said, "I think he hits one of the women in this episode," she said, "Oh, really?" Like it was no big deal. We meet Juan's family and learn that he's originally from Tulsa, Oklahoma. What the hell? The accent has been fake this whole time. Here comes the daughter, who is forced to kiss Clare on the cheek. Clare finds it totally hot that he's not a terrible father. Clare is bragging that she's a baby machine who can't wait to keep reproducing, starting right after the calamari. Juan's mom tucks a pillow under her arm and seems skeptical that Clare could feel love from her son. "Ask me anything that you want to know." And then Clare learns that JP was hyperactive as a kid and very rude; Clare says that it's just...

Like, they're not going to tell the interesting stuff--they're not going to say that he's a terrible kisser or has BO or a flatulence problem  or (as I suspect) all three. They're going to say how they don't understand him and how they don't like each other.  They're will be five tears shed, none of them authentic.  Hold on--why is Juan Pablo talking to Kermit the Frog and what is Tina Fey doing in a Muppet movie? That one girl brought her ugly dog on the show. I mean, I still like it because it's a dog; but it's not that cute. This is just the recap show where they show all of these dumb flashbacks. They're all fighting to talk and get air time. They are all saying that he wasn't a good listener and didn't ask them any questions beyond where they see themselves in five to three years. It's funny how they change their stories now; it's like Andi and Sharleen choosing to leave instead of not getting picked has allowed them to...

I learned this lesson about soccer players in high school when I had a crush on a guy named Charlie D. who was a year older than me and had a gravelly voice and green eyes and worked as a janitor in McDonalds. That's a great job for a high school  kid living in Florida. I'm not saying I slept with him, because I am pure as a Sunday snow storm, but I did learn that you can't trust a guy who kisses you in the women's rest room and presses you up against the hand dryer while wearing coveralls and carrying a mop. More on that another time. Tonight is the non-shocking reveal of Andi leaving the show because JP sleeps with her in the fantasy suite and then tells her she' so-so as a contestant . We know about it all because of the endless previews and because of this cover of US Weekly . Dan asks, "Is this the fellatio suite episode?" He's been working on that line for a while. We start with Clare and what else? A yacht, of course! She's not sure if...

I wrote the above title and the show has not yet started. It's my guess that Juan will not really know how to best talk to mom and dad, but, depending on the family, mom and dad might not care all that much--they'll just be happy to be on TV. First home town date: Nikki in Kansas City Photo courtesy of my friend Kristine She wants to know how Juan feels about the other girls. Oh, I wish they  would make him to do a lot of the dumb shit they had to do on his dates--like making him ride a unicycle naked in a Shriner's parade wearing a clown hat. "What is this thing called bbq?" he says, feigning (?) idiocy. Oh, goodie, she's going to force him to ride a bull. He jumps right onto the fake bull and they have it on the kid speed. Turn it up, man! Finally, he falls off really just from leaning over too far. Nikkie wants to tell him that' she's in love with him.  She's hesitant, for some reason, perhaps because she's only spent about half an ho...

Perhaps this will be the episode where Sharlene realizes she's had enough air time to have her own reality TV show; one that follows around five aspiring opera singers as they make jokes about Puccini and arpeggios. Obviously, this would appear only on PBS. Or maybe she'll do that thing where she continues to pretend to be falling more in love with him, despite their stark differences in languages, common interests, IQ, maturity levels, cultural background, class, and personality traits. "I find myself being pulled closer and closer to his five o'clock shadow, in ways that I never imagined could ever have ever ever happened," she might say, staring off into the distance, hoping her high school choir teacher isn't watching. I finally figured out who that perpetually teenage-looking contestant Clare reminds me of.  Actress Kristen Bell of Veronica Mars fame   Actress Clare Someone who will after this, make her living at car shows in Vegas Uncanny...

I just mean that I don't 100% trust that Juan is evolved as a man--I have a prejudice that he's old school/old world--like, that he wants a wife who will cook and take care of the house and his baby and help him put in his hair mousse at a moments notice. It's the way he touches them, with playful slaps and how says that everything they do is cute, like their jobs. The girls have moved from Vietnam to New Zealand and they are thrilled to be in the new New Zealand and not the old New Zealand. I am just noticing that I think Clare has a had a boob job. I need some bikini time to confirm and I'm sure that's coming. How are the girls still surprised that some of them are going on on-on-one dates? They are no longer putting the women's names up on the screen and that is a huge handicap for me because I don't know which one is the pediatric nurse and which one is the psychiatric nurse and which one is the nanny. I do know that Sharlene is the opera singer. A...

The eleven girls are so excited to be in Vietnam, which a couple of them vaguely recall as the exact location World War II started. Of course, they are staying at a luxury hotel with a great view of the impoverished villages below. First date card is opened by that girl who looks like she would always be typecast as the bitchy cheerleader in a teen movie. Renee gets the first one-on-one date though she's like ten years too old for him, since he only dates women twenty years younger. Juan Pablo says, "Renee was so cute."  Past tense. He wears a yellow T-shirt and already has a sweat stain on his back that she just hugged. He makes her get in a petty cab and though he doesn't comment on her weight, he's having trouble peddling behind her. Both of them are single parents, so that's a good point of connection. He takes her to a fabric shop to outfit her in a traditional Vietnamese dress. He does that thing where he's hugging her backwards in this kind of s...