But Call Me Betsy

That's what the preview guy just said. I think that just means there will be more baby talk and one girl will effectively fake an orgasm (Carly). Why are they painting Daisy Buchanan aka Kelsey as the bad person? I like her. Oh, yeah, except I forgot that the previews reveal that she slips on a banana peel that she threw down herself and has to be rushed to the set of  General Hospital  for pretend ER care. The ladies jump up and down because they are going to Sante Fe, which is either in Old or New Mexico. Each girl appears to require a minimum of 15 bikinis per person. Chris is excited to spend time with these beautiful girls/women in an adobe-style Holiday Inn. Eyelashes wants to prove to Chris that she's a virgin by allowing him to take her virginity on the circular resort bed and then showing the bloodstained sheets to the girls over orange juice the next morning. Carly, the cruise ship operator, gets the first real date and is so stoked by it. She wears her Liz Cl...

And so there were. God, in this case, is ABC and Jesus is Chris. Or Chris is Jesus. At least to all of these women, he appears to be. I hope this week, I am able to save this post so that you can get the minute by minute nonsense, even though I am again only half paying attention due to also taking an online writing class for the first hour. Jimmy Kimmel will be in this episode and the only reason I only kind of like him is because he dated Sarah Silverman. Show starts with ominous music for no reason that I can discern except that JK is there to wake up a gaped mouth Chris, who sleeps on his side with his hand under his head like a little baby. I am again struck by the fact that he has a large body, possibly one which will run to fat if he eats too much corn. Maybe JK is on the show to provide some actual humor which is largely non-existent most of the time, except for the 30 seconds of bloopers they sometimes show at the very end. I wonder how many of these women have no ...

After an hour and twenty minutes of pithy yet intelligent, funny yet revealing, crass yet delicate writing about The Bachelor , my entire blog post vanished into the autumn mist. You get this instead, because I can't bear to go through it from the beginning.

OMG, everyone, I'm so excited to be about to begin this journey of clichés and roses. And guess what? This particular episode is three hours long. And I do not still know how to add images easily, so it will be all text. AND I am also multi-tasking because I signed up for an online writing class and it runs from 8 to 9, so I may not be able to comment on every single awkward yet not actually funny moment. I do like Chris though because he's from Iowa. Lots of male models originate in the Midwest, a little known fact that I just made up. ABC is really raising the stakes this time. Having finally realized after 42 seasons of a show that draws millions of viewers but costs very little to make, they've decided to subject us to three hours of previews and flashbacks. They're accomplishing this by making Chris sift through 30 crazy women instead of 20 and eliminating however many. QQ: If this is a live show, how is it that Chris the host already knows that this will th...

The show always starts with this benign preview nonsense. We pick up right after the final rose ceremony where everyone is oh-ing and ah-ing over the fact that Michelle got a 100th chance for love on this journey. She literally went from going home empty handed to staying there with huge lines of black mascara running down her Barbie face. AshLee astutely observes that there is one less guy than usual, forgetting again that they always add extra people. First date card goes to Robert. He better ask out the one-arm lady. He does, mainly because they want to show her jumping into the water with just the one arm. Michelle goes from thrilled to absolutely pissed and crying more in the bathroom. Graham knocks on the door to comfort her. Highs and lows! Dude, he didn't pick you in the final rose ceremony, he's not going to then ask you out on a date, AND let us not forget that you shouldn't want to go on a date with a guy who has just expressed disinterest in you. She's g...

I don't know what all this chatter is about. Has the show started or is this all a preview? Or is it a recap? Or a preview of the recap? Elise says, "Through the storm, comes a rainbow. And I want Chris to be my rainbow." There must be a dirty joke there somewhere. A semi-black girl named Danielle joins the group, just to throw in a little excitement and so they can make a gesture toward diversity. Her date card says, "Choose a man of your choice to go on a date." I guess that's written by the same person who came up with the rainbow line. "Pick a person who is picking a people's very first choice." Danielle chooses Marquel. It appears that nerd glasses are in. Meanwhile, this other girl is upset, but you can't really tell because she's wearing a distracting Cleopatra head dress and a watermelon-sized turquoise ring. Lacy is so beautiful that she's hard to look at. It's like she's this super cute puppy that you jus...

I have a sense that we will be seeing a lot of linen in this season. Linen and flip flops and chest hair. So far, we have been re-introduced to Clare (villian from Juan Pablo season), Marcus and Marquel from Andi's season and Sara, also from Juan Pablo and also with the one arm missing. It's hard not to be distracted by it, which shows how much we don't see that many differently abled people in TV land. Here comes a very curvy woman named Lacy and all the guys love her because she's big-breasted. None of the men look familiar to me. Clare hopes that the guys aren't douche-y. Cue the entrance of the biggest jerk of all--Ben (don't recall him at all). Will anyone drown? I think I like Clare the best and I don't care if she's a phony. More  blondes and scruffy faces added to the mix. Not one girl with any ethnicity to speak of--and one black guy. The women look very similar--mostly blondes and the guys are not nearly as hot. Chris explains the rules--only...

This is my psychic prediction for the show. The best would be if he picked one of the women and she said, No thanks, but that never happens. Dan's mom is visiting tonight and she's never seen the show, so when Dan said, "I think he hits one of the women in this episode," she said, "Oh, really?" Like it was no big deal. We meet Juan's family and learn that he's originally from Tulsa, Oklahoma. What the hell? The accent has been fake this whole time. Here comes the daughter, who is forced to kiss Clare on the cheek. Clare finds it totally hot that he's not a terrible father. Clare is bragging that she's a baby machine who can't wait to keep reproducing, starting right after the calamari. Juan's mom tucks a pillow under her arm and seems skeptical that Clare could feel love from her son. "Ask me anything that you want to know." And then Clare learns that JP was hyperactive as a kid and very rude; Clare says that it's just...

Like, they're not going to tell the interesting stuff--they're not going to say that he's a terrible kisser or has BO or a flatulence problem  or (as I suspect) all three. They're going to say how they don't understand him and how they don't like each other.  They're will be five tears shed, none of them authentic.  Hold on--why is Juan Pablo talking to Kermit the Frog and what is Tina Fey doing in a Muppet movie? That one girl brought her ugly dog on the show. I mean, I still like it because it's a dog; but it's not that cute. This is just the recap show where they show all of these dumb flashbacks. They're all fighting to talk and get air time. They are all saying that he wasn't a good listener and didn't ask them any questions beyond where they see themselves in five to three years. It's funny how they change their stories now; it's like Andi and Sharleen choosing to leave instead of not getting picked has allowed them to...

I learned this lesson about soccer players in high school when I had a crush on a guy named Charlie D. who was a year older than me and had a gravelly voice and green eyes and worked as a janitor in McDonalds. That's a great job for a high school  kid living in Florida. I'm not saying I slept with him, because I am pure as a Sunday snow storm, but I did learn that you can't trust a guy who kisses you in the women's rest room and presses you up against the hand dryer while wearing coveralls and carrying a mop. More on that another time. Tonight is the non-shocking reveal of Andi leaving the show because JP sleeps with her in the fantasy suite and then tells her she' so-so as a contestant . We know about it all because of the endless previews and because of this cover of US Weekly . Dan asks, "Is this the fellatio suite episode?" He's been working on that line for a while. We start with Clare and what else? A yacht, of course! She's not sure if...