But Call Me Betsy

Oh, right. The fake cliff hanger. Roses to Robby and Jordan and...big sigh...Chase. She is sending Luke home, even though he confessed his love for her and even though he built her a heart made out of flower petals. Why she kept Robby, we will never know, but he's going home tonight.  Luke says that it really sucks because he, like, dreamed about this so much and he thought he might actually fall in love with her. She sobs into his lapel, and Luke can't, like, believe that he squandered it away and that magic was real. News flash: magic isn't real. He drops the f-bomb. Dan thinks she made a mistake. I think she's wearing a ring that looks like a twig. I miss you already, he says. She says she is following her heart and her gut or whatever. He says he was in love with her but he never got a chance to love her. "Too little, too late," he says, staring off stoically into the limo's pristine leather interior. They've been flown to Thailand. Cue the e...

I missed the first home town date because I was eating a piece of chicken. I did see JoJo and the first guy kissing each other for three minutes as they said goodbye, and he said something like, "If feels so real." Next date is with Jordan, the former football star, who takes her back to his high school to show her the pictures of himself playing football prior to receiving 25 concussions. JoJo painfully points out photos of his more famous football brother and Jordan high tails it out of there to take her to the bleachers. We meet Jordan's dad and his old mom, Darla, and his one brother and his brother's girlfriend, Lyndsey, who had her hair done special. Dan goes, Ohhh, she's prettier than the Bachelorette. The mom is extraordinarily beautiful, looks kind of like Blythe Danner (Gwyenth Paltrow's mom). Dad looks like a high school football coach who has been retired for 25 years. Brother is an older, more bearded version of Jordan, with very special hair....

Another book that I've come to late in life-- Madame Bovar y. Half the time as I'm reading it, I'm thinking about what my high school self would've thought about the experience, like how I would've had to read it in certain chunks for class, chapters one through three, and then answer three discussion questions or be on the look-out for obvious symbolism. The only book I remember somewhat well from high school is Silas Marner and the gold of Eppie's hair being a symbol that ties back to Silas' love of money. So as an adult, I can enjoy Madame Bovary and her sighing and longing without trying to figure out if the references to cherries means more than they first seem. Here's what I think about Madame Bovary, the character: she's sad and lonely and bored and has no purpose in life. She wants parties and she instead gets a new sash to wear for only her buffoonish but well-intentioned husband, who can't believe how lucky he is to ...

Next stop.. Argentina! Red flags, hoodies, unshaved faces, tattoos, ten pounds of hair gel, horses and carriages, roses flung down in anger, emotional roller coaster, mind games, spinning minds, disappointment, long eyelashes on a very short, muscular man, Chris Harrison and the date card, "JoJo" times 500.  Chris announces that there are no roses on one-on-one dates and this week is huge because it will determine the hometown dates. JoJo is driving out to the countryside and the date card goes to...Alex. They get into a black SUV while the rest of the dudes have to take a bus. Product placement of chips. JoJo feels taht she is spending the day with someone she feels really comfortable with, like her baby brother. The guys are rapping. As if they just made this up. James Taylor still has a busted up eye. JoJo is feeling the friend vibe from Alex. We're learning about the stereotypical gaucho farmer, both strong and not afraid to wear a felt hat. Alex should...

Them Bachelorette producers are fake-breaking the rules again by allowing Chad to return to the log cabin. Never before in the history of this show has a guy who has been fired been permitted to return for one last phony conversation with most of the guys eating bowls of Bran Flakes while wearing tight white T-shirts. Cue clinking of spoons. Chad goes hair gel to hair gel with the football player. Full moon and whistling at Pete's Cabin as Chad exits, only to reappear in that one episode where they tell all (read: recap what's already been viewed). Oh, wait, there's JoJo, kissing Tom Cruise's younger (and shorter?) brother, Alex. James T. still has a scar on his face from a pool accident with one of the blow up swans. The men throw firecrackers and cupcakes into Alex's face in celebration. Chest bumps abound. Jo Jo addresses the men wearing a sparkly mermaid dress and brandishing a fishbowl sized glass of box wine. Or is she wearing a pantsuit? Hard to say. Wh...

I'm guessing because there were two previews with nosebleeds. This is really a two hour PSA about steroid abuse sponsored by the World Wide Federation of Wrestling. JoJo is throwing a pool party in her super hot black bikini. The guys all jump into the pool and ED comes up covered in blood. Oh, that explains the first nosebleed. ED has a tattoo on his arms that seems to read "Adopt Dads." JoJo is not sure if Jordan is as into her as she is into him and his wooden necklace. Is this Survivor or The Bachelorette ? JoJo keeps kissing her own arm and her dark hair in a top knot provides too much contrast to her blond highlights. 911 to the hairdresser, please.  The episode is also sponsored by Billabong, which has furnished manly necklaces for all of the contestants. One of the guys confronts Chad about his aggressiveness and then the camera cuts to the giant blow up swans floating upside down in the pool. JoJo appears for the final ceremony dressed in a sparkly ...

Like anything else. Like putting stamps on envelopes, learning how to make chicken fricassee, writing a poem, bench-pressing puppies. Chad is into eating a lot of wheat and drinking vitamin water. We get it, everyone hates the Chadsters. Chris arrives to lay out the plan--coupla group dates, one-on-ones, nothing new, even though he said it was a little bit different this time. Ginger is wearing a T-shirt I think I got in my last Stitch. Chase gets the first one-on-one where he is supposed to "get physical." Of course it has to do with hot yoga. The teacher wants to know how long the two have been intimate (as she pretends to not know that she's on the show?). The teacher illustrates what it means for them to have an anger-gasm. Embarrassing. This is what gives yoga a bad name. JoJo feels that the date is super awkward. Wait until one of them farts. That always happens. Oh, wait, instead, they are making out. Here's who they are not like: Lots of previews about ...